From Pencil to Pencil

Just a love for people.

I would like to say

Looking at you did something for my soul

Though it didn’t

I would never know you

Not more than a gentle glance

And you smiling because of something I did

Even if it wasn’t in your favor

You’ve got a very beautiful smile.

And I know I’ve got nothing to say

And neither do you

But I’m fine keeping it that way

Because I love falling in love

With the little things strangers do.

Author's Note

This poem was mainly written for a person in one of my classes. I was trying to encompass the feeling of finding love and connection in the random small things that people do, even if you never see or talk to them again.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts or comments, they are always welcome. :)

Reviews

[JayG]

• I would like to say Looking at you did something for my soul

Why thank you. Something good, I hope. Usually I just crush them. 😁

My point? The words you posted are meaningful to you, because you have context. But to anyone else, it's someone unknown talking to someone unidentified about things unknown. Your goal was to tell the reader how YOU felt, but the reader comes to you to be made to feel, not know.

In short, you didn't make it meaningful to the reader. Instead of making them feel and care, you're talking to them without making WANT want to know.

Did you like something about this person? Then make the reader like her/him for-the-same-reason. Readers care not at all about our lives. They care not at all about what matters to us. They come to us for an emotional experience. So, we don't tell the reader that we care, we make THEM care.

As poets we have a superpower. We can make a stranger—someone we will never meet—laugh, weep, or feel anger, simply by having them read the words we chose and react to how and where we place them. But...only if we become a poet, and master the necessary skills. Poetry has been under development and refinement for centuries. No way in hell can we use the report-writing skills we were given in school to write poetry, because the methodology is to talk TO the reader, reporting and explaining. That works for a report, and other nonfiction applications, but poetry, like fiction, is emotion-based and character, not author-centric—an approach to writing that's not even mentioned in our school days because they're readying us for employment, not giving us skills in any specific profession or trade.

So, acquire that superpower. Dig into the skills the pros take for granted.

Some suggestions:

Download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Hsndbook. Lots of people swear by it. You can do that here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Check the Shmoop site. It's a great resource for all things scholastic. Log in as Student. Then use the button next to the midpage search window to select Poetry. They have lots of great poetry there, analyzed in depth to show why and how they work.

So, I know you were hoping for something a bit easier to take. But since we'll not address a problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[B. Stearns]

Jay Greenstein-

I want to thank you for your words, as I believe they were something I needed to hear. I will be honest, your review was something I was surprised to see at first, not only because of the pure length of it, but also because it was one of the first times on this website that someone had given me such in-depth feedback.

I’m glad you care so much about others’ writing and making them something that's beautiful and much more meaningful, not only to them but to the audience as well, though I would like to say that for much of my poetry, my purpose is not to make the audience feel. It is instead so that I can capture my thoughts at the moment so it is something I can keep for myself.

And you may ask me, why publish this, then? And writing this to you, makes me think because I do not have the clearest answer for that, but there are a few things that I know.

I do see your point, as I took the time to go through your website as well, perhaps I am too grumpy to truly accept your feedback to make me a better poet, but I also wanted to give you my own opinion too, as I felt it was only fair.

I know that whoever may read my pieces of poetry may not know the context, and this is also because I am not worried about giving it either. I am writing how the words flow from my mind to my pencil, and I often write without trying to make any sentence too exact either, because I find that in those moments I put too many boundaries on myself, I truly struggle to write.

So sometimes, I do write without revising or making it something perfect. I just feel I need to get that idea out there, no matter how rough it may be, because it either bothers me until I get it down, or I fear I will forget it.

I like to put my work out there. And if someone so as happens to find my words and resonate with them, perhaps because they filled in the gaps with their own imagination, or for another reason, I will be overjoyed. But I would also like you to know that I am completely happy if someone does.n’t.

After all, I did write these words myself.

But I will say, my opinion does not make your feedback go unappreciated, nor unwelcomed. I will strive to use it in all of my pieces meant for an audience, as it is something helpful and rather important I need to think about. I am a student of words and writing, and I know I will always have ways to improve.

Thank you,
Bailey Stearns

P.S. Apologies for such a long reply, but I thought this was an ample opportunity to practice my rhetorical writing skills. :)

Please have a lovely day.

[JayG]

Hmmm...so you write for your own pleasure, and then post it in a public place...which means you're pleasuring yourself in public. And you know what they say about people who do that. 😃

[B. Stearns]

Haha I see you point 😂, but personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with people sharing something that they enjoyed writing.

[JayG]

But are you sharing, or only pasting the the work on the wall? You’ve posted 16 times since January and other then this, received only two comments.

You’re saying things meaningful to you, yes, but unless they’re read, are they shared, or just presented?

In your story, Into the Recess, you open with, “I remember it.” For you, the words point to what you remember, stored and waiting in your mind. So it works, perfectly…for you.

The reader? The words point to what you remember, stored and waiting in *YOUR* mind. So for that reader, someone unknown says he remembers an undefined “it.” And that’s it, the reader’s first impression is, “This make no sense.” So most will stop reading here, because readers are volunteers, not conscripts. Unless it make sewnse to THEM, as-they-read, they turn away. And truthfully, I read that piece to the end and still had not a clue of what the narrator was talking about.

You can, of course, write in any way you care to. And I don’t critique a second time, so I’ll not bother you again. I do, though have an observation, that might be of use:

In school, you spent 12 years or more perfecting your nonfiction writing skills, but zero time on those of poetry or fiction. For most of the time, the purpose of what you learned was the be sure that the reader and the writer would be on the same page, so to speak—playing by the same set of rules. Punctuation is an example. It serves to help the reader “hear” what was said as the writer intended.

But because you haven’t been given the skills of either fiction or poetry, you and the reader are playing by a different set of rules, blocking effective communication.

A lot of the study during your school years was spent on things common to all the writing disciplines, like grammar, spelling, and punctuation. But the approach you learned was that of nonfiction. Using it, we tell the reader, “I cried at my father’s funeral.” And that’s as exciting as any report. But for fiction and poetry the approach is emotion-based and character-centric, and using it, we give the READER reason to weep.

So, after a few hours spent acquiring the techniques of the discipline, as you write you’ll be practicing skills that work a lot better, improving them with each poem or story, instead of simply hardening an improper approach to writing, further.

And now, having had my say, I’ll bow out. Feel free to use the little x under the post to delete this.

[B. Stearns]

I see what you mean, and I think you are right in the sense that I’ve spent far too much time only focused on the nonfiction aspect. As I am still in school, AP Lang no less, I think have spent too much effort of reflecting those skills into my fiction and poetry writing.

The only reason I felt I needed to share my opinion with you earlier was because yes, I do in fact find my writing meaningful, as you said.

As writing is something that I love to do, I appreciate your feedback very much.

If you had any recommendations for writing stories, because poems are something I tend to not return too or spend time perfecting, I would be willing to hear those out.

Thank you.

[JayG]

Fiction is something you're not taught, either. Remember, they offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction-Writing. There are lots of books on the subject, but since we'll not know if we have the talent to make a living via writing, I'd suggest going the do-it-yourself route, via some good books on the basics of fiction-writing techniques.

Given where you are now, Check to see if your local library system has a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's the second-best book I've found to date. And it's a warm easy read, like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing.

And she hits one point I've seen no other book on writing touch, why the line, "Susan smiled as Jack appeared in the doorway," should be avoided:

Since we learned that Sue smiled BEFORE she saw Jack, the viewpoint is the storyteller's, talking TO the reader, about the events. In life, cause must always come before effect. So, presented in Susan's viewpoint it might be: "When Jack appeared in the doorway Susan couldn't help but smile."

If Deb's book isn't available? Try Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader, though it is a University level book, and might be a bit of a dry read. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Either one will have you saying, "But that's so obvious. How can I not have seen it for myself?"

In fact, for a sample of the kind of thing you'll find in either, take a look at the article I link to below. It's a condensation of the most powerful way I know of to draw the reader into the story and make it seem to be happening as they read.

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

[B. Stearns]

Thank you, I will definitely take a look into those when I can.