My drug of choice

reposting

 

 

My Drug of Choice

 

         I'm sitting here listening to the new music  of Sixx:AM, and wondering how I got to this point in my life. And asking myself several questions:

 

1.        Why did I fall for him?

 

2.        Did I secretly know we would never be together?

 

3.        Was wanting him like my own drug of choice?

 

     For Nikki it was heroin, cocaine, and alcohol- three ladies he swore he couldn't live without.

 

    But now he does!

 

 I am sure as many will say, we are very proud of the steps he took to change his life-to save his life! He lost many things, but in the long run he gained so much! His Life! Each day he finds out that the rippling effects he has created are a good and wonderful feeling.

 

     From the pit of his stomach, he took a hard step back to reality. And now many others have been inspired to follow his lead. Many who thought you couldn't Rock & Roll, if you didn't do the drugs and alcohol! And if you listen to his songs, and see him now, he proved that it can be done. He took the baby steps first to prove to himself and his family, he could beat it this time.

 

     Then he went and showed all of his friends, saying “ Hey look at me- I'm clean and sober for good!” I'm sure many were skeptical, yet he is proving it each and every day. Even going before Congress-not only to admit to his life of debauchery, but to exploit the  horrendous drug problems prevailing the youth of today. Proving also that bands in the rock and roll industry can play without being stoned, or half drunk on stage.

 

  Of course, many turn a blind eye at what is happening. Not really understanding the harsh reality- drugs are bad, drugs can and do kill!  And it's not just the person doing them-it's a ripple effect in a bad way. First, it goes from the one taking the drugs/alcohol.... to their loved ones... family...fans and so on down the line. 

       On a radio show that Nikki was on, a person calling in, said “ Thank you, man you saved my life, you helped me get off drugs!” I am sure he hears that every day too. Hard as it was for him to take that step, share basically his naked soul by writing his book, “Heroin Diaries”, and sing such beautiful songs, he did it.  In which, I find personally sad, almost haunting; yet I feel everyone both young and old should listen to them. They are that good- each and everyone tells a story.

 

        I still plan on buying the book to read, I'm sure it will be one that needs to be read over and over again. Not just for entertainment purposes, but to realize he has shared a deep, dark part of himself that most would rather hide and deny ever happened.

                      ~~~~~~~~~

 

        Now back to my drug- of sorts. I am haunted by the feelings for “ him”. Each day wanting him to come back to me. I am slowly taking the baby steps to get over him. Yet a part of me will yearn for him, to say those dear sweet things we shared. Sometimes I think a clean break would be good. But when I close my eyes..... I see “ him”....I feel his presence...he will always be a part of me, in my heart. Maybe like Nikki- a scar that will always be there on our hearts! 

 

        I am trying to move on, but I want to do it guilt-free. I still don't have closure with him. I don't want to get “another” as a drug to help numb my pain either.

 

          I have many who want to help ease my pain. Even some that would be considered, “my heroin or cocaine” since they are married. For years I put up a barrier to my heart, after an 11 year loveless marriage. Then when I thought it was safe to bring it down- my heart was shattered. Much like a glass after it falls of a table into pieces!

 

          Several times I went away to get my mind on something else. Hoping that in time this pain I feel would go away. But the scars are there- forever to mar my soul. I was ready to lock up my heart and throw away the key. Then something wonderful happened! Yet I am taking baby steps. Even though I know this guy, I am getting to know him better, more intimately. Not in a sexual way, but in a mental and emotional way.

 

 

 

     It seems when I feel sad or down, he is there. And ready to give me a warm hug. He said anytime I need one just say so. I like him, like the way he makes me feel. But I am not rushing things, it's to soon to tell how he really feels about me.

  

       But I don't think I will be able to say those 3 special words again. I told the guy that broke my heart-it was like he stabbed me with a dagger. I even wrote a poem about it, and painted a picture of a heart with a dagger. The poem is called “Black Rose”, in that a beautiful rose, has whithered up and died, turning black! And the handle of the dagger is a black rose!

      Many have said “just get over it!” or “there are many fish in the sea.” But I wanted this fish, “ him” for the rest of our lives. Yet his words come back to haunt me- “ I want you as a friend....... but we can never be together!”

 

        It hurts.... I hurt-God how I hurt. 

 

       But I will brave this storm of heartache. I now keep myself busy, and when I get sad.... I think of my friend. We talk,laugh, play games and tease each other. I help him to get through some tough times, and he in turn is there for me! And he gives great hugs, too.

 

         Even as I sit here knowing he is most likely working, he is on my mind. He can make me smile from where ever he is at. I think I am being to really like him.

 

         It's not like I need a man in my life. I have done fine for years, but to have someone to talk to, and have them enjoy what you're saying would be nice. Someone who is willing to give you a hug and kiss, not because they have to... but because they want to! I think we all just want to have someone care and be there.

 

         For many who are thinking the old adage-sex,drugs, and  good ole rock n' roll go together can look at Nikki Sixx. He is a member of the rock group-Motley Crue, and now his own band- Sixx:AM. You can look at him and see there is a life, a good happy one to live without taking drugs! One of his songs is called “Life is Beautiful,” which tells you to look out and see there is a beautiful world out there. I am happy to still be alive myself, due to some health issues I have.