I am Tainted

I was in a crap mood so I wrote a dark piece.

I  am one of the tragedies of this earth.
Shoot my hands, shoot my feet
Poke out my eyes, pull out my teeth
Nothing can right the wrongs I've committed.
My soul is as filthy as my body
Stained with sorrow
Greasy with guilt.
My sins are grains of lead
Plentiful and heavy
Spreading along the coasts of all my old happy places
Weighing down all that used to be nice

Author's Note

I want this to stay a darker piece. But any advice as to where to take it from here would be great!

Reviews

[Inject Positivity]

Whoa! This is really dark, I think you have superbly used different descriptions of how broken the poet is feeling inside, the lines like "my soul is as filthy as my body" projects the darkness and pain beautifully... Excellent job mate...

As you have asked you want to add something to it, I would suggest you to add something more darkness like adding the descriptions about the Poet's dark mind and how it feels towards the world... A clever write and I believe you have accomplished what you were trying to do with this poem...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Junebug]

Thank you!!! I truly appreciate all your comments and advice. My first day on this website and I've already met so many kind people.
Your comments make me excited to work on my pieces again. Often times I get bored reading them over and over, but your words incite motivation and creativity once more.

[drcornelius]

Wow! So gut-wrenchingly clear. The first line jumps us right into the morass and the last line could almost me seen as a burial of all the good stuff. Powerful. As to where to go from here; you could explore what is the barrier between the writer and redemption.

[KISHOR]

Hi June,

My heart bled and my soul wept as I read your short and lovely poem. Frankly, it seems to me that you regret certain events and aspects that have entangled your life but let me assure you that you are a wonderful and taint-less soul no matter how badly you've messed up your life. And yes, do go and stay in the darkest place in the cosmos but one day I hope and pray that you will see the invincible and loving sweet light that lies in the deep cavers of your supreme consciousness. Say Cheers to life and go write a poem on Light instead of darkness!

[Nessly]

Hey! I enjoyed reading your poem. The imagery is so vivid and grotesque. It sent chills up my spine. I love how the narrator's sins seem to spread into all of their "old happy places." The poem ultimately gives it's reader the sense that the narrator could be them. I like the poem how it is but if you wanted to take it further and even darker, you may consider ending with the narrator's demise. I'm not sure if that's too dark, though. Again, great job using imagery to convey the narrator's message of suffering and torture within.

[Junebug]

Thank you Nessly, wow!! I have always hoped something I wrote would be effective enough to be considered chilling.
I like that idea. I could go with the beach theme and add an ocean of suffering or waves of despair or something, hmmmm. Thank you again.

[Nessly]

You're welcome!

[Aidan Oberholtzer]

This is awesome! A lot of emotion in this.

[Junebug]

thank you so much Aidan, I really appreciate you reading it