Kevlar Love

Hey guys! I've been away for a little while, but now I'm back. This poem contains a story about loss and acceptance. Please enjoy. Sincerely yours, Jules.

Watching the television, blank screen blank mind
The waves keep expanding my numbness
Another sip, another day thrown away, I’m so blind
Not a day passes by without me missing him

Sirens, red and blue, chaos, confusion
People screaming, masked men shouting
The cops are still mingling but I’m outside
Watching those shouting men shoot and hide

Children are still inside
Explosions in the sky
The masked men scream
‘Some will die!’

I’m helping the wounded for nurses are scarce
The cops keep closing in on the building
Then a kid comes running out
A masked man points his gun

Within a split second
Without hesitation
A brave man jumps in front
Catching the bulled, saving the child

The man I love is now nothing more than soulless flesh
The soul I love is now nothing more than a grasp of air
One last cough
One last breath

Watching the television, blank screen blank mind
The waves keep expanding my numbness
Another sip, another day thrown away, I’m so blind
Not a day passes by without me missing him

Then a door opens, a child enters
puts his books on the kitchen table
comes running at me, yelling my name
he crawls into my arms

And the waves collide
To form an endless ocean
Two losses formed a bond
And together we have a love
stronger then Kevlar

 

Author's Note

Feedback is much appreciated!

Reviews

[TheUnrulyWriter]

Unique and emotional. I enjoy the contrast of subjects in the poem: loss and acceptance. Another thing I enjoyed was how this poem wasn't stuck in one singsongy tone and the stanza lengths varied. Very cool poem overall :)

[junXion]

Thank you so much for the review! I'll be sure to check your work as well :) Sincerely yours, Jules.

[apennylate]

I hear each line in a blank tone, as if in a black and white show... With intermittent splashes of color to boldly proclaim chaos entering and leaving... A great and engaging write with an excellent end, stronger than Kevlar, I might say... Strongly penned...

[JayG]

I think a lot of this story is still in your head, because without context for your meaning there's no continuity or images. In S1 you paint a picture of a person of unknown gender and situation who misses someone unknown for unknown reasons. What they were to each other is unknown, as well as how lomng it's been and why it happened.

But that aside, the reader expects to find out why this happened, or what the speaker plans/thinks.

Instead, we have what appears to be a confrontation between unknown "masked men," who are hiding and shooting for unknown reasons, and whoever uses sirens where this person is.

So our protagonist has, with no known reason, inexplicably forgotten about their missing someone and now is reporting on an unknown confrontation, taking place in an unknown city at an unknown era.

So...you know what's going on, where you are, and who you are. And because you do the piece makes perfect sense. And as you read, each line evokes emotion, images, and memories stored in your mind.

But take pity on me. I know none of that, and because of that, each line evokes emotion, images, and memories stored in YOUR mind. And since you're not here to explain...

Also: You begin as rhyming poetry with an ABAC structure But in S2 it becomes ABCC structure. In S3 it's ABCB. Then you abandon rhyming till S6 when it's ABAC again, as you repeat S1

The number of lines per stanza is also inconsistent. But structured poetry must be structured, because the reader expects the pattern to repeat, and provide a cadence, in the same way it does for music lyrics.

A really good introduction to structured poetry, and the language of poetry is found in the Amazon introduction to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's worth the time to read it.

Hang in there, and keep on Writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[slfisher89]

You paint a vivid scene of the love one's death. I like the words show a clear snapshot of the speaker's grief. You capture their feelings of pain, despondency, and attempt to escape into oblivion with alcohol well. I like the extended metaphor of waves and ocean. I like in the end two lost souls find solace in each other. The last metaphor comparing love and Kevlar (generally associated with a bullet proof vest) was touching. If it was an ending scene; I would be crying my eyes out. If this a song; it sound great with acoustic guitar.