Figuring It Out

A Story by joe

Cali weather it’ scent fresh with a cool breeze the city a selfish gene.

The smell of cigarettes in the air ash on the ground, traffic its usual running, honking stagnant lines of red fumes endlessly rising.

An orange halo, the tumbling of clouds over sunny skies.

Sand in between my toes I lay in the sun burning to a Golden crisp later run into friendly waves chopping in the distance; washing and calming the heart.

There’s nothing like the Cali weather a unique strut to the certain way people swing their arms as if everyone's getting higher. Suavely moving in the calm of the heat.

Oh how we rise, I almost have to hold myself.

I’m skyrocketing through the city life speeding on the freeway; I’m so hype I've got to hold on to the steering wheel before I get off this roller coaster. Late night staying up partying beyond the sunrise and hollow skies.

Sunshine doesn’t stop the wishing of this endless routine lifestyle.

Stunning in the prime loosing myself in every direction, outlandishly living as if female shopping

The vacation was well needed I finally got my head screwed on tight.

For a moment I had begun to lose what little reality there was; gosh to be in a place where the smell alone welcomes you in and the people who understand the inner depths of me begin to question. People easily spoken to and replied by with natural responses.

“And if God choose I shall love thee better after death”.

Late night party staying up till the sun rises.

The eyes of desire sharp to the edge,

Yet still I’m tired and wired.

I feel like I’m ruined to easily my darling

Can’t you see I’m falling out of my mind, I’m addicted I just got to have it.

I can see you want to go again, I’ll do it, I just have to take you there

It’s like I can’t get away for too often, from your lips, soft like a flower;

Take time to apologize so you can heal before I begin oozing out of your mind and when screams of despise in your head begin to think of me

My ears bleed your cries are too loud, Baby

But I can’t stop myself from listening

In my car falling ever faster trying to make my way back home, time waited too long,

Conversations fail, now I need to have patience and just take time to apologize for the wasted time I spent holding someone else’s hand,

Mischievous since I was a teen,

I want you,

I have your number but I don’t need hang ups or mistaken calls, I want you right now, enough of self-indulgence it’s time for commitment

I’m not trying to f**k tomorrow, I want you right now and I'm sure we’ll be all night.

You got me kissing you slowly putting you against the wall then taking you down to the floor.

Back then wondering now reflecting realizing that they were moments of useless epiphanies and unnecessary clarity, thinking...

“Now that I've reached the point where my drinking has gone slightly above casual, I've got ambition and an honest man’s galore,

Hoping to tell her “baby I love you but I am still falling in love”

My heart loathes pain a neverending endeavour, how could of I ruined things when they've just gotten started

Thousands of miles away and my heart still yearns with no commitments to hold on to

Attached solely by my thoughts and desires of her, or is this a one sided love?

On the other hand depressed with thrills and temptation to enlighten this flickering soul

Am I just taking this all for granted by having thoughts of someone who may be an uncertainty

The thoughts of her lying in someone else’s arms like a fully bloomed rose’s first shed pedal

It hurts to write about you when I am trying to fix things knowing that at this moment it may be true”

Such a helpless romantic hopelessly lamenting constantly deserving to be loathsome of actions not taken and rash decisions

Too in depth with my emotions sensations rush to the top

A euphoria when I get lost with your thoughts

Why must you be so bold?

To look me in the eyes

A victim of solace may I borrow some of your courage for these insecurities show to easily

I’m down with it as if I’m addicted intoxicated by the smell of your perfume and the setting you give off so careless my tongue gets twisted by your ambience fragrant like a warm night in spring.

I’m going to love you like it’s a Saturday night

MY how my eyes have been deceived, to think you recognized me because I stood above others but truly it was because you thought I was lonely and stood shy of the rest.

Just like a wave it feels like you're overcoming me, engulfing my body.

Drowning in your arms.

Sitting on top of the wave watching as it crashes onto a cliff to high for people standing above to get hit by it’s colliding mist.

My eyesight is diminishing, what a blur this world is becoming I need to open my mind and get back in the roll, see what true perspective really is, I now see

So f**k you I know when you say no, even though it’s better left unsaid you hint but I just…

At least once a definite answer or else I won’t believe

Either I must be confused, but you sit by yourself, keep your hands on yourself and move your body away from me, laugh as if in disbelief of my honest attempts

It’s been almost a year and there’s been nothing but degenerate actions to much for me to recall, blasphemies enough for me to wish to not speak of, wasted time and lost reason in moments of impulse.

Witnesses I have too many to replenish this torn soul stained by acts of darkness.

I wish I never was acquainted to nothing but unwanted riches and faded glory of another time better with the old times of depreciated and depressed men such as myself.

I’m so hype where I almost self destruct.

How do I fit in so easily as if everything was shaped to fall into place

What’s with everyone and their feelings I’m all on this as if I don’t have none.

Trying to be the realist.

Hold my self when I look inside, it's running on empty I try to run my mouth until something comes out I didn't know existed, but words of apparition remain for me to figure it out...