One Man's Treasure- Installments 1&2

Ocotillo gets a call out of the blue from the his runaway wife who he has been trying to find for months.

ONE

Ocotillo slid the wallet-sized picture along the table so the waitress could get a good look at it.     

“I was wondering if you have ever seen this woman?” He asked, smiling.  

The waitress squinted for a minute and said “Why, she famous or something?”

“No, she works here.  Or she used to work here, I think.  I just need to talk to her.  Her name is Nora if that helps,” he said, looking expectantly.

The waitress chewed her gum vigorously, like a cow, and looked down at him with more than a hint of suspicion.  “You need to talk to her?  About what?”

“She has my little girl.”  

“You some sort of deadbeat dad or something?”  

Ocotillo felt like he should defend himself but he didn’t.  “No.  So, have you seen her?  I haven’t seen my daughter in two years.  It would mean so much to me if you could help me out.”

His pleasantness seemed to put her at ease.  Her posture changed and Ocotillo felt a wave of hope slip over him.

“Sorry, Hun.  I’ve never seen her.”  

The wave crashed.

Ocotillo paid his bill and left his coffee half full on the table.  He rushed back out to his old VW Microbus and drove down the 14 South.  It was going to be a lonely, long trip to his apartment in Mission Viejo.

When he reached the 5 freeway, his cell phone started playing Three Little Birds by Bob Marley.  He picked up to answer without looking at the screen to see who it was from.

“Hello?”

“Ocotillo, we need to talk.  It’s me, Nora.”

TWO

“Nora?  Hey, where are you?  I need to see Haley.”  Ocotillo spoke while trying to navigate around cars merging onto the 210 Freeway.

“Don’t start.  Nothing has changed, ‘Tillo.  I just need to talk to you-inform you about Haley, her situation.”  Nora’s voice was firm, trying to be businesslike.  

Ocotillo’s response was animated- “Her situation?  What is it?” 

“Now, I don’t want any help.  I don’t need you trying to play no hero, okay.”

Ocotillo’s eyes narrowed.  “Nora, what’s going on?”

“Now, I’m only telling you this because you might be her father.”

“I am her father.  She looks just like me.  Jeez, Nora, tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing that you can fix.  Nothing I want you to try an’ fix, okay?”  She sounded like a she was reasoning with a growling pit bull.   

“No, not okay.  Nora, you wouldn’t have called me if you didn’t think I could help.  Don’t try to pretend that you’re just trying to throw some charity my way.”

Nora breathed a heavy sigh into the phone.  “Fine.  But you’re wrong.  You’re daughter- my daughter has cancer.  A brain tumor.  The doctor’s say she has less than a year.  You, me, nobody else, can fix that.”   

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Reviews

[pia Z]

Hey there! Thank you for sharing this story!

I'd really recommend you take more time setting the scene. I'm all for short installments, but you've got some really high stakes introduced right off the bat and not a lot to let the reader in on the characters in this situation.

Also, try and show more and tell less. Rather than tell me that 'Tillo looks expectant, for example, describe his actions in such a way that I know as a reader that he IS expectant.

All of this will help set up the bombshell that Nora drops over the telephone. She's obviously a very callous person if she thinks telling a man about his daughter's brain tumor over the phone is a good idea. I want to hear more about her before she makes an appearance, you know?

Look forward to reading more!