if i could take back time

true back in March 82 i was about 22 in another world on top of my game unfortunately my sister wasnt. this may have triggers to suicide. the guilt is buried deep within me will never go away

the day started out like any other day. I got dressed for work. I drove to my hospital typist job in the Radiology Dept about half an hour away after I  said goodbye to mum kissed her on the cheek and Dad (newly retired) as he sat watching his morning news with vegemite on toast and strong tea. Mum sat near him they were inseperable. Loved each other. I didnt wake my sister i let her sleep 3 years older than me she had had  a major breakdown and was home from the Mental stay unit in a private hospital. 

Tormented by a new disease she had schizophrenia. We werent educated in this back in  the 80s it was new to us, no counseling was offered and we were very worried about her.

Getting to work that day I felt heavy burden laden. Felt guilty that i wasnt taking the time off to spend time with my family in their troubled times with my sister. The hospital was bustling busy and under staffed. I was typing a hundred plus reports in radiology a day there used to be 2 of us typing banging away at the old electric typewriters and some manual as well. The old dicttphone machine with its little slip of plastic was near breaking point. Sliding the next bit of plastic in to the machine to hear the next report my office phone rang.  I answered, a trembling voice said please come home I need you. Please. she was crying, it was my sister.  I said matter of factly that I could not leave work as there was no one there to replace me and said Ill see you tonight.  If ever I have made a major mistake in my God damned life this was the most important one. You see I was young, in a new relationship soon to be engaged and felt very conscientious towards my very important job. I was very close to my sister but I thought oh well i ll give her some time tonight.  Tonight never came for her.  But I didnt know that yet. I was in the next room 2 hours later in the dark room they called it where the radiologist used to sit and report and in a little dim lit office i would sort the x rays and bag the hand typed reports. Not like today where its all computerized on screen. Anyway i was just standing at the high counter bagging these x rays and a sharp electric shock entered the top of my head.  Iti was like i was being hit by lightening. I do not lie about this. I fell to the ground the pain was so great that it made me fall to the floor.  They thought that I had had a stroke and helped me to my desk. I then started to cry. But the strange thing was whilst this shock was going through my head undescribable pain my vision went completely black and I heard the words through my head or brain loud and clear ""now you will be happy Im gone"" and then i heard screaming inside my h ead.  I thought the whole thing had been a dream but unfortunately it had happened.  I looked at my watch and it was about 1.30 or 2. i cant recall now

I didnt go to the ED room as i recovered quickly almost instantly and started to type again after a cup of tea. I went home at the usual time as I drove up my street it faced onto a bush reserve I could see about 5 white parked cars quite expensive. and one police car.  I pulled up thinking that something was wrong.  My father came down the front stairs his face almost grey and told me that there had been an accident. I hugged him and said was it Lyn he said yes.  I said I know what time did this happen. He said about 2. I said I know i fell to the floor it was like she was saying goodbye.

I cannot describe the pain that day or how we all coped. WE didnt cope. It was like i was in a dream for the next week, month year or years after.  I have never fully recovered from losing my sister and will not describe how she did it but all i know is this. I felt her pain. I didnt feel anything like that ever again. The pain was indescribable. I will miss her forever and ever till i see her when I come to her at the end of my days.

PS i have never written or told publicly of this so please ignore grammar etc for now.

the guilt i feel has ruined my life and impacted my life and eventhough I have been forgiven by God in his mercy for not returning to see her that day and thus preventing her from doing what she did I cant rid the guilt of this

Reviews

[lil drummerboy]

This really got to me I will not lie i can not say just how sorry I am . And it is not your fault. And it will never be your fault.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

sorry it saddened you so much that was not my intention i put this up for suicide prevention and awareness as well.
so people would be more aware of someones pleas
i hope it gave you insight and sorry it made you sad. thanks for reading and your review, thanksx

[lil drummerboy]

I dont mind at all and yes it did

[peter Duggan]

Hi Julie. It saddened me to rad your story. I can understand why you have suffered since that fatal day, although none of it was your fault, my friend. Sounds like you have much intuition which will possibly come back some other time in the future. You must rid yourself of all this guilt, my friend. In the end it is destiny that decides who is to live and die. This is a great write, written with such wonderful passion. I enjoyed the read Julie....peter

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks for your kind words

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Oh my dear friend Julie, you have suffered and carried this burden for so long. It was not your fault.You did not want to hurt your sister. You did not know how dangerous her disease was. You could not have been her sentinel 24 hours a day. The hospital should have kept her longer instead of releasing her home without counseling. It was the disease that killed her. You were just a young girl trying to live your life the best you could. Believe me, your sister is clear in her mind now, forgives you, is at peace, and knows how much you love her. Please, please forgive yourself. You are a wonderful, compassionate, loving person. Your story is so eloquent, honest, touching and compelling. Every word, every image is sincere and heart-felt. I hope that writing it brings you some peace and comfort. Sending you blessings, friendship and healing light my dear, sweet friend. Xo annette

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks Annette xxxx
Yes thanks so much sweet girl you are

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Love you Julie. Xo

[Avia]

My dear friend. I really have no words. I can only imagine what that feels like. Thank you for sharing something so personal for you. I hope in some way, this has made you feel better. I pray that God will give you the grace to stop feeling guilty. Take care dear.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks avia
Thanks so much xxx

[Avia]

You're welcome 💝

[wordman]

this is such a sad but incredible write,i am sorry for your loss..i wish you all the best

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Ahh thanks word man yes if ever I’m having a bad day I compare it to that day the worst of my life and get on with the day

[barleygirl]

This is the most mind-blowingly honest thing I’ve ever read I my life. I am so sorry you have to live with this. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to carry your burden, but I can come close to imagining it becuz your writing is so crystal clear & vivid & intense. It almost feels like this short little vignette slams your reader to the floor with your intensity. It’s really a gift to share such an experience so openly & honestly. Thank you for sharing this & putting yourself thru it again as you wrote this out. It’s a stunningly good piece of writing, way beyond what the message itself is telling. I feel honored to have sat here this moment in time & clicked my way to this as the first thing I’ve read yet today. It feels that compelling. I don’t know what else to say. I’m honored to be your friend. No wonder you are such an astute & amazing reader & sharer of other people’s postings here (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks so much
I appreciate your comments

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks so much
I appreciate your comments

[Chris Shaw]

This is so terribly sad what happened years ago, with the illness and death of your sister. I can't imagine the pain it must have caused you, to know that you didn't respond to your sister's last request. But how were you to know? How could you possibly know what was about to happen? So you can't carry all that blame and guilt for the rest of your life. you deserve some healing, and I hope you get it. Maybe writing this down, will help you to start moving on. You need to.

Chris

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks for your review and kind advice

[Onlyme]

Juliespenhere you open your heart and soul to us all. And I really hear your pain and suffering and true lose and hurt. But you are not to blame for your sister's passing. It took courage and faith to open up and tell complete strangers something so deep and profound as this in general. As you said way back in those days. schizophrenia was unheard off it was a new disease. And you were young yourself. When you love someone they live on within you. Please stop blaming yourself. And get some cathartic healing from opening your heart and soul to us all. Free yourself. By letting your emotions go as you have done. Your sister would not like the thought you blame yourself for anything. Life sometimes is just so cruel because life is just like that. Sadly. Heal your soul. And free yourself of suffering. As your sister will be watching over you. And know you love her deeply and true.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks for your in depth reply and listening yes back then we just went bk to work to our daily life I wasn’t offered counseling or anything neither were my parents and that was the 80 s thanks again

[Onlyme]

I understand that. Back in those days. You just pulled your socks up and carried on. My mother in law. Way back then had a cot death. And exactly the same way. Both her and husband where treated. It was not the way. And sadly. If we could turn back time. I am sure you would have grieved and healed sooner from your sisters passing. And no need to thank me. More like the other way around. You spoke from the heart. And I listened. And heard you.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks
I think I returned to work very quick in a matter of days so I didn’t have to be at the house thanks again

[Onlyme]

You returned to work. Because it was the way of things. And how you did things. Back then. Not because you want to. Be kind to you Julie. Your sister love you dearly.

[Onlyme]

And would not like to know up in heaven you are blaming yourself for something that was not your fault in anyway.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks again
No I wanted to get out of the area the house etc to escape the sad

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks don’t worry I’m fine probably need counseling thanks

[Onlyme]

To be honest. I do think. Chatting with someone would help you explore and get it out more. And make you feel better in general Julie. If you ever need a chat. I'm here. As a friend. When I can be. We all need friends.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks so much

[Onlyme]

Know others care. And always will. hugs.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Wow 😮 thanks

[Onlyme]

No need to thank me. Just look after yourself Julie.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Yes same to you

[Onlyme]

cheers friend. look forward to hearing more from you. poem wise. wink.

[Onlyme]

I mean hearing your healing and happier.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

I’m at a standstill with those can’t seem to write maybe soon yes

[Onlyme]

Exactly time heals. This is a start. Expressing your feelings. As I said before. More power to you Julie. Your healing slowly but surely

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks for caring so much that’s unbelievable

[Onlyme]

Your a good person Julie with a great heart and soul. Why would I not care. Course I care.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Thanks again

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

that day haunts me to this day
If someone you know is saying they are going to kill themselves take it seriously you wont get a second chance i didnt