A letter to my friend

My aunt passed away a few weeks ago, didn't wake up from her sleep at the young age of 53. She was my friend, my god mom and will always be my favorite aunt. I wrote a tribute to her. Enjoy

Dear Kaiki,

Thank you for being the light of my life, my roommate as well as my buddy. You taught teaching me how to be powerful, brilliant and talented as well as a go getter and told me to chase my dreams no matter the cost, as long as it would make me happy then it would make you happy. You made a great difference in my life as well as thousands of others that I believe you pat yourself on the back for that. I will miss you at Teacher’s College and watching you teach as I stood waiting behind you for you to give me my next challenging task. I will remember watching from the window, many teaching lessons of yours, trying to understand how you have so much energy at all hours of the day and how although your body has ached and you were tired, you knew you had to put in even more effort. While I was taking down your lessons from the wall that you took extra effort to make sure there was color and appeal, people made B-lines and cut each other because they wanted to stay behind to talk to you about how great your lesson was and the positive feedback that they had wrote reviews about you, where my next assignment was to sort out all of those hundreds of reviews of your sessions. I would wait by the door as I was listening to you hand out papers and assign books relating to how teachers could help themselves understand and grasps certain concepts of yours… How they can be better educators for their students, other teachers as well as for the world. Seeing how people would want to take a picture with you because they saw you as revolutionary was revolutionary.

Thank you for letting me into your office, a quiet get away where I would hide when I was dreading to work that never had seemed to end. Ever. When I was in your office, people would knock on your door looking to talk to you for your opinion and your guidance and you always gave them the time of day. When you didn’t catch me in your office you would always catch me in the kitchen making tea or getting some snacks that were already picked out by your co-workers. I tried to understand how we both ended up being the last people in the building when I saw you working from 7 in the morning- late at 10 pm. I ended up being friendly with the janitor who had made his daily runs collecting trash after a long work day, as I am sure you did as well.

 I will miss getting you Starbucks, as you seemed to text me your order daily, and it had always seemed to be the same thing, and you passed that order onto each assistant of yours. I would head onto the subway or walk to TC, hoping not to spill it so you wouldn’t get mad. The hardest tasks during working with you was when you had asked me to clean your whole room, the room is pretty big and there are thousands of pictures, DVDS, papers and books you wanted me to organize. When you had told me what to do, I had panicked because there was so much to do, and I forgot already. But all you did was repeat the directions, and patiently waited for me to finish. As I was trying to give this task to my sister and trying to persuade to her how it was going to be easy my aunt told me I couldn’t and she gave it to me because she knew I would accomplish it, as well as Hannah having other work to do. It had still taken me a while to figure out what the directions were and the way my mind processed that information wasn’t fast enough and I had continuously tried to avoid even being in that office and tried to figure out other less difficult tasks to do. The next summer goes by, and I still haven’t finished your desk but you had brought that up that it needed to be cleaned. When I had come back a summer later, it was all still in the same place just waiting for me to start what I had finished. You had same the same directions as the summer before, and I started taking notes and tried to understand exactly what you wanted me to do. I didn’t want to throw anything out that was important because I didn’t want you to feel like I failed you.

You sat down with me physically showing me what you wanted done. You had believed in me from the beginning to the end, providing support as well as independence because you knew what I was a capable of no matter my age or weakness.  Because of you, I have begun to take difficult tasks and cut it into smaller parts. I remember this summer apologizing and trying to write down steps. I was telling you it’s hard for me to process, and that’s why I hadn’t gotten it done. I said I was trying to be slow and understand and I’m sorry that it was taking forever. You insisted that it was fine, and you had even understood that my mind takes a longer time understanding directions and helped me break down tasks into smaller and smaller tasks might be useful. From you, I learned to be proactive and determined until I reach success.

I would come into your office wanting to just get a few minutes in to talk to you even if it was for a few minutes that whole day. I would ask you again for directions of what building I should have been in, what’s another task, when can I take a break? Why doesn’t Teacher’s College have free food, not just during the institutes, but in general? Who’s that person with the kids, again? You would ask me, what’s that you’re eating for lunch? You’re moving again? When are you going out to Quogue? You came in an hour late today, I thought you were coming to work at 8? Run out and get me Starbucks. I have work to do… I haven’t slept in days.. I woke up at 5 a.m. You cared about everyone that worked for Teacher’s College and you would go above and beyond for each and every one of your former colleagues. You are known to be a leader, but I will vouch for you saying you were a follower as well. You followed and nurtured your family and friends through difficult times, and you had followed us all into milestones little or big. You followed your family from childhood to young-adulthood, young adulthood into grown-ups. Thank you for always following as well as knowing you had cared. From the beginning to the end, you had never left our sides. You held our hands, kissed our foreheads as well as placed your hand on our legs to know you protected us.

This summer institute, you went through hundreds of cut out evaluations from teachers who were part of the institute where they learned strategies from not just you, but other instructors. I came into work, and I saw all those cut out evaluations into big envelopes waiting to be sent out for my next job for them to be put into their mailboxes. I put them in their mailboxes, and later you have asked where all those folders had gone, I said I already put them in their mailboxes. You told me that I have to take them out because you needed to write comments on them. I gave them all back, and you spent your time providing positive feedback on the front of the folder as well as what people have said about the institute as well as the class in general. As I was waiting for you to finish each one, I went back and forth to the mailboxes as you continually wrote on the envelopes saying, “great job!” “that was a great session” “nice work!” You gave credit when credit was due and you made sure you signed your name at the bottom. I knew that besides me, you were everyone’s cheerleader and you wanted to make sure they had someone who saw and believed in them showing what work still needs to be done as well as celebrating the good. You were a cheerleader that we all needed. I loved seeing you comment and liking pictures on Facebook providing only the most positive and incredible help. When we would be sleeping, you would be on Facebook at any given hour scrolling through your feed and your comments were always powerful and comforting knowing how much you cherished the important people in your life and seeing pictures or videos of them had lit up your day.

 I know how much you valued the most important people in your life and I wanted you to know how much value you have continuously showed in mine. You would get me digital cameras as well as art supplies because you knew how much I wanted to aspire to be an artist no matter the length of time that passion had started and left: if it was for a minute, a year, a month, you provided me with all the materials for a creative and open mind. You knew that with many pushes, trials and errors, I would succeed and you always told me how proud you were of me. Little did you know, you were also an artist. You were incredible and provided insightful vision and you wanted to provide readers, teachers, families, friends, the world how the world should have the same vision such as yours. You provided color, blacks and whites and your clothes were never dull and boring and you passed away wearing a dress filled with abstract colors, shapes and designs. On top of that, you provided a great sense of depth and had people analyze your work, your theories, your revolutionary sense of the world and how to make it a warmer, kinder space to live in. In a dark and grey picture, you could see the lights that others had to take a second look to see. Even if they didn’t see it, you stood and made them look until they noticed. Thank you for being the color in my life that provided me so much love when the pictures were grey and the world seemed dark. It will continuously be a darker scene with you not being there to paint the picture. Your world was your canvas as you had a paintbrush and Starbucks in your hand and always continued to work on it and to critique it and give it millions of reasons for it not to be boring but more thought provoking where you made people think, feel and understand it all differently. Before you had left us, you ended up signing your name at the bottom with your initials, KT, and washed your hands and next, you headed out to the art supply store for an even more bigger canvas.

Your canvas in heaven is a clear canvas where you can start again providing color and warmth to something that has started out as nothing. You are giving it life, context and value.

You had continuously told me how much you will always support me with whatever I want to do and that I could tell you anything. You wanted each of your nieces and nephews to have a strong support system that was safe and non-judgmental. Although things have changed since we have lived in the Bronx, you were always a safe haven for me and you needed for me know that.

You knew all the answers to all my questions little or big. You were a mom to me, you were my God Mom. Thank you for spreading love and kindness throughout all the people in your life as well as continuously giving. On a day out with the Tapinians, I remember when I started crying at the diner because I heard you wanted to adopt and I didn’t want you to have a kid. I knew that kid would have all the endless love that you provided us with for so many years, and I would get jealous of how lucky that child would be. I think I may have stopped you on that kid track as you did not have that kid, but showered your love even more to all of the members of your family and friends, and your friend’s kids as you had wanted all of us to know how much we meant to you. With you in the world, the world provides value and a sense of kindness and warmth. You were a huge advocate for me when at times, I was a loss for words. I am now at a loss for words and I wish you were here to be an advocate again for me. I still don’t know how you had put in 110% each day like you did especially at times when you just wanted to quit, so you left me with a question that will never be answered.

Going out to the Hamptons, it’s a pretty dark place for me. I don’t have any friends out in the Hamptons, and I cut back going to the beach because I knew I had nobody to eat and sit with. I stopped going to play tennis because there was nobody to play with and I was sick of hitting the ball against the backwall by myself. You strengthened my tennis skills when we had practiced together and been tennis partners. I don’t remember winning, but I remember gaining a tennis buddy as we both encouraged one another and you kept telling me to keep going and, “you’ll get it next time”. When you come to the Hamptons, it doesn’t become lonely anymore and I know I can walk down with you to the beach. I have you to eat with and have conversations with as you wait on me because you never left me until I was done eating. I can go to the beach more with you here. I will miss when you are with me as you attempt me to go into the ocean with you and you have that sense of pride and jump around flailing your arms about how you finally went into the ocean after all summer. Although you aren’t here, I know I can still be able to sit next to you at lunch at the beach as well as have our toes in the sand.  You taught me recently how to drive and I can proudly say I had learned from you. You had also taught others how to ride a bike, that was one of your specialties, as many others. The training wheels are off and the car is in full gear now. I’m sure you are driving somewhere listening to this with the heated seats heating up as I speak. You became able to let us pedal, steer and stop the breaks as we please and practiced with you. Now, we have to practice stopping the breaks when things get though, pedaling and continuing to go full speed ahead as well as slowly pushing our foot on the brake looking left and right to figure out which direction we will go next and continue on to steer. Thank you for letting us take the wheel as you had watched us time and time again. Now I know you are watching us take the wheel and I know you are right next to me guiding me along my journey.

You taught others how to be independent, leaders, go geters, how to speak their minds and so much more. You wanted for us to make sure that family comes first, always.

As I lived right across from you in the old apartment in the Bronx, you were my friend next door that I could hang and play with whenever you weren’t working or busy. We screamed through our kitchen windows to each other and you saw my continuous laugh and giggle at your jokes. You let me pet your cats and showed me the lesson of being gentle and to not be afraid of mostly Daisy, a cat that would hide in your room under your bed and scratch and claw at who comes near her. Safe to say, both of your cats miss you and Daisy has learned to come out of her shell. As you did work on the computer for hours, I would sleep on your couch or wait until you came home again to hang out. We bonded at the Blue Bay Diner as you would let me get as much whipped cream on my hot chocolate as I had wanted. You knew that the little things had made me happy and wanted me to be happy. You would come back from places and you would bring me keychains and you had always thought of me even when I wasn’t around.

When we moved from the Bronx to Manhattan, I knew how much you wanted us to stay. You got upset about how we were going to leave you, and how different it would be that we weren’t across the hall from you anymore and you were on your own more. Something I never told you was that since we moved, 8 years ago, I had mentally felt like our relationship did a 180 and I felt a disconnect and I felt like things had really changed between us because of both of our feelings were on the line. There were times where I felt less in your life because I didn’t see you as much. But really, we still continued to hang out, get our nails done, go to the movies, just the time with you became even more valuable and more significant. Although I knew you had the best intension of wanting us to always be close to you, I want you to know we always will be even if we were farther away.

In 4^th grade, I had this big research paper on the Colonial times. I had some notes, but I still was very behind. You had called me asking how my paper was going around 4pm, the day before the paper was due, and I told you I didn’t start it, but I am planning on it. You took it upon yourself and you worked on it with me. You ended up doing a lot of the work and my notes ended up being useless. The point was, you never wanted me to fail. You always checked up on me, even when I thought I had everything under control. You made sure the research paper was an A+ and put in 110%, then afterwards, had started on your actual work. You ended up helping me with the paper and we ended around 2 am. Thank you for trying to read my handwriting as well as never letting me fail.

I will never forget the many times you took me to get our nails done, get drinks from Starbucks, going shopping, getting smoothies and how much you wanted to be a part of my life for as long as you were here.

I will miss your persistence and your drive as you had shown others how capable someone can be in less than 24 hours, and do the same thing the next day. You let me have a jewelry box that has the letter “K” on it. When I wanted you to keep it, you wanted me to have it although it didn’t have my name on it. You said, no it doesn’t, but now you know that you got it from me because of the “K” It lays in the living room right now, a place for comfort where I know you are here with me. Thank you for checking in with me through text, because you never knew how facetime worked. You also went above and beyond the “aunt role” as well as making sure that when I was on the bus going back to college that I was okay and how you couldn’t sleep until you knew that I had gotten home safe from coming back from thanksgiving break. You said, “Good. Text me when you are in your room so I cannot worry” “It was so good to see you roomie and spend time together. I love you to the moon and back” Now, I know I can go to sleep knowing you are safe and in a better place.

You had tried to protect me from parts in the world that were bad so I wouldn’t see it. You covered my ears and eyes because you didn’t want me to hear things that would upset me or frighten me. You never wanted to hurt me and you always wanted to make sure I was safe and sound. You wiped away all my tears and always wanted to know if I was okay and wanted to connect with me. You braided and brushed my tangled knots and were always gentle. You had gotten my hair out of my face so I can see. You were my hair cutter when I only trusted you with scissors, possibly a job you have in heaven. You never treated me or belittled me because of my height, age or any of my weaknesses. You had taken me to a candy store after I was crying in defeat after I had lost another fight to my older sister. You would let me cry on your shoulder and you kept telling me not to cry, as I continuously kept crying. You were a shoulder to cry on as well as a lap to sit on when I had gotten tired. You would hold me in your arms and I would rest your head on your chest as I had ended up falling asleep or closing my eyes. You continued to talk to others at events as I sat on your lap and I could feel the vibrations in your voice and well as your heart beat.

You knew who I was as a worker and knew my learning disability didn’t stop me from understanding and taking on challenging tasks both in and out of the workforce. Now the most challenging task that you made me take on, that I never asked for, is to continue life without you by my side. But because of you, over my 18 years you gave me the tools, the strength and the energy that you had had and you knew that I would be successful each and every task if I had applied all the tools I was given.

You loved playing games with me such as hide and seek, connect the dots, mysterious crimes, board games, charades as well as puzzles. You had given others the tools and the pieces to put together who you were and who you will be and what you had stood for. I am continuously getting signs from you that you are still sending pieces to this puzzle that seems to be a puzzle with more than a million of pieces that are so minuscule, but I know that when I connect them all it will direct me to you. I have been trying to understand you and getting to know you on a deeper level. You saw that our conversations had started out talking about what computer games we were playing next and how you always offered to drive me home at all hours. Our conversations ended when we were talking about how college was and how we had both grown as people both physically and intellectually by our words as well as our bodies. I know your puzzle is fully complete and you never left a piece out just some pieces take longer to find. You left this world with all of your pieces, all of your colors and all your sides knowing all of us will end up piecing you together. You were always good at hiding and right now, you are hiding all over, not just in heaven but you are hiding in plain sight. We just have to open your eyes and start looking. Your game of hide and seek has provided many clues this week as you letting us know you are still in it to win it. My trophy would be finding you. And when I do, I would know it’s you because of your continuous laugh and your smile and grace as you open and close your bright big beautiful blue eyes that were always hard to oversee. Although it may not be soon, it will be sometime that I see you but I know you will always be hiding just waiting someone to find you. Thank you for being a challenging puzzle, something I look forward to connecting the pieces.

Thank you for being my best friend as well as my roommate. This thanksgiving, you had made my bed for me by putting sheets on it because you refused for me to not have sheets on my bed. You never wanted me to sleep without sheets, a pillow to rest my head on as well as a blanket for warmth and comfort. You are now relaxed more than ever. The room is no longer spinning, your headaches are gone, your body doesn’t hurt and you do not have to take Tylenol or Advil for your pain as you await long and hard for your body to not to feel the way that it has been feeling for years. You have a coffin to rest in, a pillow to place your head as well as a forever bed. because you are feeling better, I know I can now rest that you are going to be ok.  You will continue to always mean the world to me as well as those who you have dedicated your life towards. Thank you tremendously for making others stronger, I wish you just stayed stronger, yourself. To finish off a card, Kaiki would say, Love you Lots as well as, All my Love. Thank you for seeing colors when the pictures were dark and cloudy. You will continue and always will be my favorite aunt.

Sincerely, your roommate, Goddaughter, loving niece as well as your lifelong friend of yours.  I love you with all my heart and I will continue figuring out your puzzle as well as clues and hints of your next mark on your canvas. Thank you for making this world a kind and beautiful place filled with only hugs, laughter, acceptance and unconditional love. May you rest beautifully in peace.

 

Lots of Love as well as All my Love,

Jules

Author's Note

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