Nothing

Theo arrived late to the power lines. He carried the bat and the bags under his eyes from last night along with him. He still wore my father's clothes and the gash on his forehead. The few among us that obtain more energy from getting high, like it's an energy drink, went over to him immediately. I watched as he raised the bat, threatening them, until they backed off. With him acting like that, they did. It was evident he was in no mood for anything except getting high tonight. Maybe go home and get drunk was on the agenda as well. He joined Derek and me in our usual spot and placed the bat in his lap.

"You were right. I should've gone last night," he whispered to me. I could see the bruising from where his face had been swelling. It was beginning to turn the characteristic dark purple. He looked over at the joint in Derek's fingers and held out his hand for it.

Derek regarded him cautiously and handed it over. "You look like s**t man."

"I feel like it," Theo replied. He brought the joint to his lips and took a long drag off it, holding his breath for a moment before letting it out.

"What happened?" Derek asked. I shot him a glare and gave him a sharp elbow in his side.

Theo shook his head. "I don't feel like talking about it. Can we just leave it alone?"

Derek coughed, clutching where I had just jabbed him before nodding. "Yeah, no problem."

We left it at that and the others had gotten the message as well. It wasn't too much of a trouble to leave him alone, this neighborhood gets more than it's share of nighttime police sirens.

Just as Theo was beginning his fables Derek sat up. "Hey, wanna go to the porridge?"

Theo glanced up at him actually contemplating the idea. It took him a moment before replying, "F**k it, you want to come Dana?"

I stared at Theo. "You're serious?"

"Yeah. Couldn't hurt."

Derek was beaming at his achievement. "Come on Dana."

I sighed, searching for an excuse to keep the two of us here.

"Suit yourself," Derek said and stood up.

"I'm coming," I said. The words were uncomfortable and created a sour taste in my mouth.

Theo helped me up and slung the bat over his shoulder before following Derek.

"We're heading to the porridge, come whenever," Derek told the two Mitches.

I didn't really know what I hated about the boys heading down to the porridge, the idea that one of them could die of hypothermia or drown, or if it was just one of those stupid dare-devil ideas. I always saw them running home hooting and hollering down the street. Their skin turned that corpse blue, sometimes even frost formed on them. I was surprised none had lost fingers or toes yet.

"You're going to want to let it out, but hold your breath until you come back up," Derek said. He had been speaking the whole time. "It's going to be cold."

"No s**t Sherlock," I said.

"If you don't want to come you don't have to Dana," Derek said.

"I'm here aren't I?"

“Then stop complaining.”

Theo watched the exchange between us, mumbling the fables Derek and I were used to. His bat laid over his shoulder. His knuckles alternatively turned from red to white as he toyed with his grip on it. He watched the two of us with a calculating gaze. I could see he wanted to say something beyond the mumblings, but the lake came into view as we emerged from the treeline.

In the moonlight the lake was this brilliant blue, the glow stick kind of blue.The pure white frost in the dark water reflected the light from the moon and made it all glow. Some areas had just a small dusting of white, the beginnings of an ice layer, and others had thick columns of ice that ran towards the depths of the lake. These thick columns had pure white air bubbles trapped within them.

Derek pulled Theo down to the shore. I took off my hat and began to unzip my coat as Derek bent down to scoop a handful of the slush water.

"It's perfect!" Derek exclaimed, "C'mere man, hold out your hands."

Theo dropped his bat in the mud and held out his hands. As I folded up my jacket I heard the inevitable shout as Derek poured the slush into Theo's hands.

"Christ that's freezing!" He was already rubbing his hands off on my father's sweatpants.

"Told you. Like snow right?" Derek asked. His eyes danced with glee. “Dana come over here!”

“I’d rather be surprised,” I said. If I had felt how cold it was I would’ve backed out. Even without my jacket I was beginning to shiver. I crossed my arms over my chest looking to the rocks we'd dive off of. Years worth of algae and this winter's frost covered them. Great.

"Alright then," Derek said. With one pull he got his shirt off and tossed it a few feet up from the water. He stripped down to his boxers before noticing Theo standing beside him. Theo raised an eyebrow waiting for an explanation. "Well? Come on you don't want your clothes getting wet and frozen."

At the prompting Theo began to undress as well. He put his pile of clothes near Derek's and placed his bat on top.

"You too Dana." Derek smirked at me.

"F**k you." I groaned and peeled off my skinny jeans. Gooseflesh raised in response to the biting cold air. My shirt soon joined the wrinkled pile in the sparse grass. I kicked off my sneakers and put my socks inside them before setting the shoes beside my other clothes. My skin was turning pale white as the blood retreated. At least the three of us all matched in our ghostly pallor.

It couldn't have been longer than a minute before the other boys started appearing. Theo and I stood in the growing crowd of half naked, drunk, teenage boys. I ignored whatever looks they were giving me. I've known most all of these boys for half my life. If they really thought that a bra meant there was some part of me they hadn’t seen in a bathing suit then why bother? Derek greeted the others, caught up on the five minutes of socializing he missed in the walk over, and looked to Blondie who was already perched on the diving rocks.

"Jump!" shouted red-headed Mitch

“This ought to be good, watch,” Theo said and elbowed me.

Blondie looked around the crowd to be sure all eyes were on him before he took an ungraceful leap into the water. The slush rose in a splash that showed exactly why we called this the porridge. As the ripples spread across the lake the others boys shouts echoed in the air. Seconds after Blondie’s resurfacing and cuss about how cold it was the others scrambled onto the rock. They pushed and pulled each other off into the frozen pool. In a tumult of shouting and laughter, they jumped and dived, they resurfaced gasping for breath. I hadn’t even noticed Theo was already standing up on the highest rock preparing to jump. Contrary to the others he was fixed to the spot, not out of fear, but in his eerie manner of calm. The other boys, still in the midst of their adrenaline high shouted up to him.

“Come on Theo!”

“Jump!”

They never paused from swimming to avoid reacting to the cold. Their voices shivered for them.

Theo was up on the rock looking over the edge. It was almost as if he was calculating the drop. It was only a moment, but it seemed an eternity.

“Come on man!”

Instead of the usual leap of faith, Theo walked right off. Like a lead weight dropping out of the sky. The boys were whooping and hollering while my heart jumped to my throat. I felt that crushing pressure of worry in my chest. His body hit the water and time froze. The snap of the surface tension breaking against his skin echoed through the lake. The sound of the boys ruckus faded away and my friend silence held me in his embrace. My eyes were glued to where Theo had disappeared under the water. Why wasn’t he coming up?

Just as I was about to launch myself into the water Theo appeared from the black depths, gasping for breath. I released the air I was holding in.

Theo shouted over to me, “Come on Dana!”

I hadn’t seen that spark in his eyes before. They were illuminated then with the moonlight reflecting off the water. It made them glow like the lake and made him look crazed. The subdued Theo that went into the water was not the one that came out. He was ghostly pale yet filled with a colorful life. A colorful life that was screaming in his lungs and pounding in his chest.

I scaled up the diving rocks ignoring the cat-calls and whistles. I wanted this all to be over and done with. It was a dumb idea from the start. Nevertheless, standing up there on the rocks you almost had to look around. I won’t deny it. It was beautiful. I scanned over the glowing water, the boys waiting in it’s embrace, some already running around on shore getting their clothes, all of it. Theo met my gaze and gestured for me to join him. So I jumped.

There was nothing. The fall was a brief moment in time before I was plunged into this  all-encompassing nothing. I couldn’t remember if I had felt a shock of cold or if I was already numb. I couldn’t remember if my contact with the water had made a sound. I didn’t know if I was sinking or if I had stopped. The world was black and silent, truly silent. Everything, every word, every name I had ever known was gone, there was only nothing. Sluggish thoughts began to penetrate this world, words that had some sort of meaning. Up. Air.

The floodgates opened and my nothing was ripped away as all at once the world returned. The cold penetrated my every nerve. The numbing sting of it was so extreme that it burned. I screamed as my lungs began to feel it. I knew better than to breath back in. My ears were ringing. There were parts of me I couldn’t feel. There were parts that were burning and freezing all too much at once. I could feel the rapid beating of my heart. It was trying to burst out of my chest. My lungs were shriveling. My thoughts began to shriek at me. Up. Air. My feet kicked without my control and my arms pulled at the slush above me frantically. Movement was becoming harder. The water seemed to only get thicker. I came in contact with something solid. It grabbed me. I felt myself being pulled and suddenly there was the feeling of air. A freedom of movement that I had lost for that time in the abyss. There was never a sweeter breath that I had drawn. I let it fill my entire body. I felt like sobbing from relief.

“I told you to hold your breath until you got back up,” Derek scolded. “You alright?”

“Fine,” I replied, “I’m fine. Never again." My teeth chattered with violent speed. I actually worried that I'd cut off my tongue.

Derek smirked as if I didn't almost drown. His lips were a blue violet color. "You're fine."