No regrets I

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.” ― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Our last night at RS. You've been acting weird in the past few days and thank god i sat beside you on the bus. We had a precious 45 minutes chat. I showed you all the places we've passed by that I've known. My buildings, my story. At last we had some semblance of normal conversation. You don't know how happy i was after the few days of cold shoulder i got from you.

Halloween dinner. I did your makeup. I made you sit and face the light and put on the eye make up for you. I didn't realize you had such deep wide eyes and long, dense eyelashes. I touched your face as I put on your eye shadow and eye liner. It was hard to concentrate. I did your hair too, Kpop style. You said I can work in a salon.

I had to keep a distance during the dinner, and watched you from afar. You were so cute in your blue Topman T, dark jeans and brown boots. You and your goofy photo shots. 

We adjourned to PK's room for more drinking. You weren't there so I texted you. You came later, showered and changed into shorts. I offered you some makeup remover and helped you with removing the liner in the bathroom. It's so hard being a woman, you said. Your eyes were all red after all the rubbing. 

We drank more and got kicked out of the room. I went to the bar but you weren't there, so I went up and get you. They offered me a freaking moonshine plum drink. You took it out of my hand and downed half of it before giving it back to me. No more drunk, please. You looked at me, pleading. Of course you remember what happened last Friday night.

I dragged you downstairs. Your hands were so large and rough. I have missed them. I made you sit beside me and Mr A. You told me J looked like a hostess and LM had a second marriage. You were cute when you were drunk. We were friendly. I couldn't resist and touched your back as we talked. You kept giving me water and took care of me. We shared drinks like old pals.

You moved seats and came back. More beers and spirits. We moved to a smaller group. We were sitting very close together. I leaned into your ears and whispered. You know I like you right? Only last week. I never knew. You always teased me. I smiled. But we cannot. I know, I cannot too, I explained. But if not for all these, will we? For Sure, you looked at me and said. Do you like me at all? I thought of it some times... but we cannot. How about H? I asked. Surprised, I never, I really never, you said. 

I was locking arms with you. I showed you the Murakami quote about the spring bear. 

“I really like you, Midori. A lot.”

“How much is a lot?”

“Like a spring bear,” I said.

“A spring bear?” Midori looked up again. “What’s that all about? A spring bear.”

“You’re walking through a field all by yourself one day in spring, and this sweet little bear cub with velvet fur and shiny little eyes comes walking along. And he says to you, “Hi, there, little lady. Want to tumble with me?’ So you and the bear cub spend the whole day in each other’s arms, tumbling down this clover-covered hill. Nice, huh?”

“Yeah. Really nice.”

“That’s how much I like you.”

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

That's how much I want to like you, if only I can control my feelings. You read, but I don't know if you've got it. I leaned over and kissed your cheek sneakily. People will see, be careful, you said. I don't care. We held hands for a while casually. I put my head on your shoulder while laughing at others' jokes. It was around midnight. You stood up and said goodbye with everybody. I looked at you longingly. I was so, so into you.