I cannot

I remember grabbing your large, rough hands and dragging you to the dance floor of the bar. You said you couldn't dance. After a few more rounds you were embracing me from behind and swaying to the music. This felt so right but I realized I can't have you, so I started crying, and then I bawled. 

I turned to face you and threw my arms around you. I laid in your chest and touched your body for the first time. You are so well built. I love your large, broad shoulders and trimmed waist. You're so sexy. but i can't have you. And I bawled and bawled. You held me tight with your left hand and stroked the back of my head over and over again. I didn't wanna let you go. You held me tighter. You smelled so good my dear.

It was time to go home. We hopped on a cab. You continued to stroke the top of my head...We went into the elevator, and you asked if I wanted to talk to you. Of course I do, you silly.

You sat on my bed, I told you to come over and lay next to me. You looked at me, our faces were inches away. I put my arms around your neck, I felt your shirt collar, the necklace you always wore, your neck. I caressed your neck and the back of your head. You smelled so good. I asked which perfume it was, you told me it's Jo Malone.

We were breathing heavy. You asked me if I have problems with my boyfriend, I said no. You asked me what it was. I said I don't know, but of course I do. You asked me if you could help. I said you couldn't, but of course you could. You told me no matter what it is, it'll get better. I continued to bawl. Tears streamed down my face as you wiped them inwards. 

Our faces were inches away. I caressed your neck and the back of your head. I held your face in my hands and touched your soft lips. I wanted to kiss you so much. I looked up to you. I cannot, you said. So near, yet so far. Pained, I assured you I won't do anything to you. You won't, but I will, you said. But why? I asked. Because you're a man and I'm a woman. Let's pretend we're brothers and sisters. Don't worry, nothing will happen to you. But I cannot, you said. 

You told me if we continue like this you would want to kiss me, and once you start you won't be able to stop. I kept caressing your lips. I can't stop. If I could have my way I'd just kiss you then, as you were just inches away. But instead I said don't worry, nothing will happen between us. I said we're brothers and sisters, you said we're friends. I guess this isn't the first time, is it? You asked me how I'd know. I told you my secret, and made you promise to keep it. 

I buried my face in your chest, arms around your neck. I don't wanna let you go, ever. Your phone rang and you had to go. I told you to just take the call here. You said you didn't want any problems with your girlfriend. 

I asked you if you'd ignore me when you see me in the morning. You said I can call you anytime and I'll have you in my life, for the rest of my life. I asked if you'd hate me. You said you'd never hate me. But I told you I'd hate you if you leave. Your phone kept ringing. You tried to get away. I'll hate you, I said. Then I felt you kissing my forehead, and I saw you getting up and leave. I heard my room door closed. 

From then on every time I see you is a torture to my soul. My heart wanted to kiss and touch you so badly, while my head made me pretend that I don't give a s**t so you'll not run away from me. I hate myself for this, I really do. If you don't know it by now, P, I think I've fallen deep in love with you. If only you can...