Revelations

T   h   r   e   e

Reflections

 

Claire

The test had been fairly easy. I knew right away I had passed it, but I had felt a wave of stress since the weird occurrence in class. The one thing that had made no sense was the brief point where I felt absolute relief. Everything seemed calm and tranquil, but before it had even seemed to start the weight came crashing down again. This time it stayed.

I looked for Avery the rest of the day; hoping maybe I could find him and ask him what was going on, but I never saw him. I eavesdropped on various conversations, all relating to Avery, but none of which contained information as to where he might be. The day went by slowly until finally, when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, the bell rang signaling the end of school. I jumped from my seat and practically ran home.

It was two weeks before Halloween and all the neighbors had overdid it on the decorations. There were plastic grave stones perched in the yards, skeletons hanging around here and there, occasional spiders and bats, and those handmade, paper towel ghosts that spun in the wind as they dangled from tree branches. It was tradition in our small town to always have holiday spirit, holiday meaning every holiday – including Halloween. Everyone bought and handed out pieces of candy or trick or treated around the neighborhoods decked out in many things to compliment their costume.

My house was, out of all them, one of the most decorated and well known for having the best candy. With that reputation I was supposed to carry it through, but I had no intentions of doing so. For the past three years here of living with my mom, I pretended to go trick or treating, but really sneaked out to the one place I felt I could call my own.

Right now, I needed some time to think in the quiet of my personal sanctuary, which is where I would hide out on Halloween nights, but I wanted to drop my school stuff off first. As I approached the house I saw something that I wasn’t expecting and forgotten about in the hype of everything with Avery. Brendan was sitting on the porch steps that led up to the front door looking down at the ground. He lifted his head when he heard me approaching.

“Hey, Claire!” He said excitedly.

“Hi, Brendan.”

“Where were you all day? I looked every where for you.” He said standing up.

“I was in school just like everyone else.”

“Why did you leave me in the hall on our way to second hour? I was going to walk you to class.”

“I had cramps and needed to visit the lady’s room, which you couldn’t have followed me into.”

“Ok. Well, you still could have told me where you were going.”

“When you’re not sure what type of embarrassment is in your future, it’s best not to wait and see.”

“I suppose.” He muttered. I had nothing more to say to him so I pushed past and fumbled with my keys to unlock the door. He turned and followed right behind.

“So, we still on for this Saturday?” He asked expectantly.

“I don’t know. I just found out I had a test on Monday and depending on how much I get a chance to prepare for it I might have to cancel.” I turned the key, twisted the knob and let myself in. I threw my bag and coat on the table and went to the fridge to retrieve a can of Coke. He sat down on the sofa hoping he could persuade me to sit along side him.

“Alright. Well, since you’re not for sure on Saturday why don’t we switch it to tonight?” He asked patting the sofa cushion next to him when he realized I wasn’t taking the bait. I took a sip out of my drink and set it on the coffee table. I reluctantly sat down not knowing what else to do. His arm was around me at once. I knew that as soon as he had me mesmerized I was his puppet. I couldn’t let that happen – not tonight. His fingers were twirling through my hair seductively. If I didn’t say something I would be under his spell in the next few seconds.

“I don’t get paid till Friday; I won’t have the money to splurge tonight.” Was all I could get out and even that was barely louder than a whisper. I could feel myself slipping away from reality far too fast.

“We don’t have to spend money to be together, Babe.” His lips abruptly pressed and moved between mine passionately. I could feel the force he was putting into each kiss. A hazy cloud floated over my vision and I had no control whatsoever over my mind or body, but he did. His warm hands were slipping underneath my shirt. My breath caught and I froze not knowing how I could respond back the way I wanted to. The haze was gone in a flash and out of no where I regained the ability to use my senses. I released myself from the hold he had on me by standing up. Normally I would have felt dizzy, but my legs were sturdy on the ground and I felt a new strength surging through me. I felt angrier than I ever had been by his actions and I could feel the hostile stare that had formed on my face as I glared down at him. He looked almost helpless as he was gasping for air in his vulnerable state.

“What’s wrong, Baby?” He asked looking sympathetic for my sake, but I could tell he was trying to make me feel guilty by his pained expression.

“I’m not your ‘Baby’ and you have no right to touch me as if you own me!”

“But I thought you wanted to be mine.”

“Not in the sense you seem to think you’re entitled to.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you can’t just treat me like I’m something you can do whatever you want with and it won’t matter! It’s my body and you have no right to even look at it without my permission.”

“I thought I had your permission though.”

“The only way you would have gotten my permission was through a crafty way of stealing it, because I have no intention of giving it to you anytime soon.” I could feel my face turning its awful shade of crimson again. He said nothing in response. He just stared at me as if I were sentencing him to death. I pitied him, I really did, but I didn’t feel any sympathy for him. A couple minutes passed before either of us finally spoke.

“What now?” He said. I thought about my choices that I had concluded earlier today and realized that out of the two only one would bring me true freedom even if it meant the after effects weren’t the most desirable. I knew fate had placed in my hands the perfect opportunity to free myself of this burden.

            “I guess it’s over.”

            “What do you mean you guess it’s over?” Now Brendan took on an angry expression.

            “Exactly what I said, it’s over. It never seemed to work out anyway so it seems best if we ended it now. The less time spent wasting time the more time we have to make something out of it.” I felt relatively calm and brave. There wasn’t one part of me that was fearful of his response. Just the fact that I was free sent my nerves rejoicing.

            “Fine. I’m sorry I ever bothered. You were a lost cause to begin with, but I thought that maybe I would help you out cause you seemed like a nice girl. Now you’ve blown your shot. I was going to give you everything, but you screwed your chance. When the day finally comes when you realize you’ll be alone forever with no friends or anyone who loves you I hope you think back to this day and remember the shot you gave up that could have changed the course of your entire life.” He yelled his long defensive remark into my face and I couldn’t help letting a chuckle escape from between my lips. His face changed to almost the exact same shade of red as mine had.

            “What the heck are you laughing at?”

            “Just the fact that my popularity isn’t going to change the slightest under these circumstances. I’m not going to loose any of my friends, Kayla will continue to stay my best friend, and everyone is on my side backing me up. They’ve all seen what you’ve put me through and wonder how I’ve put up with you for so long, They keep waiting for the day when I finally stand up for myself and end it. Today is that day. I’d very much appreciate it if you would escort yourself off my property immediately.” He looked at me with eyes full of hate, but obeyed. I compared Brendan’s and Avery’s eyes and automatically felt foolish for doing so. Avery’s held so much life and Brendan’s held more of a hopeless future. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” I said to him as he was about to slam the door shut leaving the house. I could hear the hard sound of his footsteps as he stomped down the stairs on his way back home.  Each one made my happiness grow. Freedom was something I hadn’t had for a long time and I had forgotten how amazing it felt. It was like being held underwater for so long, the entire time not being able to breathe, and then as you flail your arms you break through the ocean’s surface and air rushes into your lungs. It was relief of being free and happiness because of that freedom.

            I hadn’t been to my sanctuary in a month. Things just had been getting too complicated and it seemed like more and more things got piled on top of me. I hadn’t had the time. Now it didn’t matter what was happening I just knew I needed to escape. About ten minutes from my house was the town cemetery. Most of the town’s ancestors were buried there but sadly no one ever came to visit because everyone believed that the cemetery was haunted. The superstitious people never showed up and even though I felt bad for the dead that their loved ones wouldn’t visit, it was my chance to step out of my busy life and spend some alone time with myself. There was a big tree in the middle of the graves that probably had once been a little child’s tree house, now it had become my one place of silence.

            The evening was growing darker faster this time of the year and already it was rather dark out. I weaved through the graves to the tree and began the short climb up the branches. When I reached the wooden platform I sprawled onto my back and stared up at the twinkling stars that were now visible after the fall of most of the leaves. Here I couldn’t run away from my thoughts; they were the only company I had. My dad used to take me out late at night and help me identify the constellations. I remember how he’d make up new stories that went along with the pictures in the sky. Memories flashed back to his funeral and how I leaned over his coffin; fat, round tears rolling down my cheeks and plopping down onto his blue suit. Little dark blue stains variously found their place on his sleeve, reminding me of the stars we no longer would get to gaze up at together. Then I cried some more thinking I had ruined his jacket on top of the fact I would no longer get to wash another one of them for him to head off to work in.

That was three years ago. Now, I lived with my mom. My parents had both divorced two years before my dad’s death and I was living with him. My mom and I never gotten along the greatest. She seemed too involved with her life and less aware of my existence; my dad on the other hand seemed to always be my caretaker anyway and for that there was always a stronger connection between the two of us. After his death I knew I had no choice, but to come to the lovely town of Riverton and live with my mom. Looking back, I realize it was all silly because my mother turned out to be a fairly decent person after all who actually had a caring heart. Eve the town eventually ended up growing on me. I made new friends and started life over. The one exception for my happiness was the fact my best friend was no longer around and apart of my life. Only the memories of my father remained as they always would.     

The breeze was getting rougher and I had left my jacket on the table back at the house. That would be something I knew I would regret. Within in an instant an unexpected warmth, that I couldn’t possibly have thought would have come from me, flowed through my body. Instantaneously I felt content and without further knowledge I drifted off into the dream realm feeling warmth from the unseen arms that cradled me lovingly.

            A little chickadee chirped from a tree branch and I woke from my soundless sleep. It was strangely the most comfortable I had slept in a long time, and I didn’t toss or turn once, which was something that I had been doing a lot of lately. Riverton was known for its cloudy days so the fact that the sun shined brightly above me in the middle of October was quite peculiar, but so were a lot of other things that happened lately so I guess I would have to begin learning how to deal with it.

            My calmness was suddenly replaced with anxiety as I realized I had no idea what time it was and that I was probably late for school. I scrambled back down the tree and ran home. Running was a past time and when I was in junior high I was on the track team, but I hadn’t ran this fast in a while. The breeze felt good against my face, but I could tell I was loosing my breath a lot sooner than I used to. I needed to get back into this habit.

I reached the house and checked the time first thing. School started in an hour and a half which seemed very generous. I changed my clothes quickly, brushed my hair and teeth, threw on one coat of mascara and Chap Stick, slid my coat on, grabbed my bag, and was out the door once again. I slid the ear buds from my ipod into my ears and decided I might as well run to school also to give me a little extra practice. Maybe if I got there early I would be able to find Avery. That little sliver of hope provided a flood of curiosity and anxiousness that made the soft padding sounds under my feet become quicker as the trees flew by faster on either side of me. I felt like I was flying as I ran into the sunrise with a flood of expectations.

 © By Amanda Gloth