Moving forward

It finally hit me that I would never see him again when I took a scoop of dirt and put it onto his casket. As I did so, I started to cry. It was the first time I had cried since his death. I just thought it wasn’t real. I realize now that it is. I think of the memories we shared and the vacations had. I think of the hours we spent talking on the phone and the nights we just layed in bed and talked. When I go to sleep tonight I will wake up and he will not be there. That is my biggest fear right now. He protected me in my sleep. You made me feel safe. I place a single purple rose on the casket and walk away. I couldn’t handle the thought that he is forever gone. I get in my car and drive to my house. I can’t say our house anymore, since the “he” in “our” in gone. When I get home I don’t even change into different clothes, I just go right to sleep. The next morning I wake up and drive to Dunkin Donuts. I am not in the mood to make my self a cup of coffee. When I return home, I take a long relaxing shower. Showers are the place I go to escape. That is so cliché but its true. The sound of the water hitting the bath title makes me calm down and forget all the bad things happening in my life. It is all that I focus on. The last few seconds of the shower I turn the water on very hot and stand there. I then get out of shower and go to sleep again. I don’t even bother putting clothes on. I don’t wake up until later that night. I put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt and drive to Blueport Diner. “May I take your order?’ a little old lady asks me. “My name is Judy by the way.” “A coffee please.” “Ill be right back with it.” The diner smells like bacon and I could hear it sizzle. “Be careful, it’s hot.” Judy says to me as she hands me my cup of coffee. “Thanks.” Judy leaves my table and I’m am now sitting there all alone. There is an older couple sitting in the booth next to me and a group of teenage guys sitting across the diner. “Honey, do you want anything else?” Judy asks me when she comes back over. “Another coffee please.” “Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? Sweetie, you look so skinny. You need some meat on your bones.” She says to me sort of smirking. “Do you have cupcakes?” “What kind would you like?” “Vanilla, Vanilla?” “Coming right up.” She says as she walks away and instantly brings me back a vanilla, vanilla cupcake. “Thank you.” I just stare at the cupcake. I do not touch it, I do not eat it. Cupcakes were me and Trent’s thing. Vanilla, vanilla cupcakes to exact. He would always eat the cake part and I would eat the frosting. Today I will eat both. I pick up the cupcake and lick the frosting off of it. It tastes sugary and sweet. Normally at this point I would hand the cupcake to Trent, but since I can’t I take a bite of the cake part of the cupcake and swallow. I try not to taste the cake, because it reminds too much of Trent. “Sweetie, are you ok?” Judy asks me. “You look very sad.” “I’m doing okay, thanks for asking.” I say as she places the check on the table. “Stay for as long as you want.” She tells me. “Thanks again.” I pay my bill and leave; I’m not in the mood to sit there staring at the napkin dispenser. When I get home I lie down on the couch and watch the TV show Bones. Trent and I would watch Bones together. I fell asleep on the couch, and I wake up at three in the morning. When I wake I am freezing. Usually, when I fall asleep on the couch I wake up with a blanket on top of me keeping me warm, and since there is no one to put a blanket on me, I wake up cold. I get up from the couch, walk across the house to my room and plop my self on my bed and I gradually fall back asleep. I wake up the next morning and look around my room. It is a total mess. Since Trent’s death, I haven’t been paying attention to anything else, including the neatness of the house. I rise from the bed and start to pick up all the clothes on the bedroom floor and I make my bed. I haven’t made my bed since Trent died. I felt like if I made the bed that Trent and I slept in, I would just be pushing him out of my life, forgetting him, which I wasn’t. I take my shower, but today it wasn’t as long. Instead of taking my time in the shower I just did what I needed to go and I got out. I put real clothes and makeup on and drive to Blueport Diner. “Welcome to Blueport Diner. You can seat yourself. Ill be right with you” Judy says to me in her happy-go-lucky voice. Last night when I came here I did not hear anyone great me. I must of not of been paying attention. I seat my self in a two-person booth, next to an old man sitting by himself. “Hello honey, Nice to see you again! What would you like today?” Judy says to me. “Can I please have a Coke with a club sandwich?” “Do you want fries with that?” “No thanks.” I say to her and she looks at me like I’m crazy for not wanting fries. “What ever you want honey.” Judy says as she turns around and walks away. Today the diner is busier, which means it’s louder. I can hear the one family laughing at the whipped cream face on the little boys pancake. “Here you go honey, Enjoy.” Judy says to me and she places my drink and food down on the table. She is smiling as she does so. There are French fries on my plate. I look up and I find Judy in the diner. When I spot her, she looks back at me. “You need some meat on your bones!” Judy screams across the diner. I start laughing. It is the first time I have laughed since Trent’s death. It felt good, to not take something so seriously. When I’m done with my food I place my napkin on top on my empty plate. “How were your fries?” Judy asks me as she places the check on top of the table. “Great. Thank you.” “Your welcome.” She says as she walks away.I pay the bill and I leave, but instead of going straight home I go to the mall. Trent and I would go shopping together and he would pay for everything I wanted. It felt nice having someone care about you so much, that they will spend their hard-earned money on you. As I walk in the big clear sliding doors the smell of mini pretzels overwhelms me. Trent and I used to eat those. I walk over to “Smoothie Sam’s” and order a coconut smoothie. I have always loved coconut, but Trent was allergic, so I never ordered it. When they are done making my smoothie I carefully pick up a pink straw and place it in my drink. I drink my drink, carefully tasting each and every sip.