There's You

I can’t even close my eyes,

Because every time I do,

There’s you.

Or him.

Or someone I’ve never even met.

Touching me.

Forcing me.

All the control in the world, and I’ve got none of it.

And I’d like to say that I’m over it.

I’d like to scream to the world that “It’s not a big deal!”

But I’d be lying to you.

It wasn’t rape, it never was. I can never label what you did as such.

But,

The truth is,

It affects still me every day.

I can’t have the kind of relationship I want because I’m so damn scared

Scared that they’re gonna do what you did.

I can’t enjoy hugs,

Instead, I get anxious. I push people away.

I can’t even begin to think about marriage because once he finds out that intimacy scares me, he’ll be running for the hills.

You took my life and made it into something that I’ve got to be scared of.

Because this reaches farther than the borders you’ve set.

It has hand in my fear of people, it has hand in my hesitation to make friends, it has hand in my ideations.

But the kicker?

The real kicker is that you’ve taken something from my mind as well as my body.

I feel perpetually incomplete.

Like something just isn’t there, and it should be.

I can watch all the romantic movies in the world, I can stare jealously at the couples around campus, but that won’t change a thing.

Always scared, always checking my doors, never staying overnight anywhere,

This is you.

This is your handprint on my life.

The thoughts in my head,

The things that I want to do to myself, the things I see others doing to me in my head,

They scare me.

You’ve chosen this for me and I didn’t have a say in it.

I hope you enjoyed the few minutes of pleasure it brought you.

Because it’s made a mess of me.

I can’t even close my eyes,

Because every time I do,

There’s you.

So thank you.

And f**k you.