Snow In His Veins

I never thought

that I would see you in a casket

the color of dirt

surrounded by flowers

as if that would make it

any less horrible

but the white snow

it stole you from me

and you showed

that it was too tempting

to be

high

did you bleed from your mouth

I just want to know

did you scream and shout

because it haunts me

and it hurts me

but my love

your clouds and your snow

I swear to God

I didn't know

your arm was aching

your heart was racing

did you leave in pain

I just want to know

was it hard to breathe

did you try to scream

was your face stained red

like the color of the moon

when they told me

you were gone too soon

I saw your face

on the marble arch

but I guess love isn't a victory march

because honey if it was

you would still be marching

I crave your arms

your scarred arms

I crave your eyes

your brown eyes not blank like an empty sky

my love I miss your smile

your smile when you were on the ground

not in it

but you loved

being high

and you couldn't stop

even when it meant

your time was up

but I need you

you were only eighteen

8-21-14

Nana keeps using the present tense

but it just makes me remember

you crossed your white picket fence

too soon honey too soon

you're higher now

in kingdom come

I hope the weather is fine

because baby

it's snowing outside

Reviews

[V]

That was deep and beautiful again. So many good and lovable lines in here. I liked "did you bleed from your mouth". Adds a harsher tone to a softly and sadly written piece such as " did you try to scream" and following lines. "Love isn't a victory march" reminds me of the song hallelujah. I read drug abuse and it's severe and lethal consequences in it. I also really like the title. Well-crafted.

[Jupiter]

Thank you again, you're wonderful. When someone you love dies from an OD, a part of your heart dies with them. I wanted to express just how painful it is. I'm so glad you caught on to my references and the title. Thank you for reading (:

[V]

You're welcome. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[A hare off]

Snow is falling on the place where you smiled, where you grew, where you played and where you lived, now covering the ground where you lie, as silent as each flake weeping from a clouded sky. I felt a chill as I read this, sadness comes in a drift, deep and cold. Once again, emotions stand forward in your writing. It is obvious this came from a place very deep in your heart. Really nice.

[Jupiter]

Beautiful comment. You have a way with words (: Thank you so much. That means more than you know.

[jesserose99]

really powerful read, painful ache and longing felt. a underlying need to tell this person, 'hey you really screwed me up leaving me like this down here, seeing you like this. how dare you.' but also an underlying love that is truly genuine, the sting of those two things are deeply felt.

really tragic read, but well written.

[Jupiter]

You always leave such great reviews. Thank you so much.

[Elwyn]

Really raw, amazing write. I personally think the best device you used here was pairing a really morbid line (ie. "did you bleed from your mouth") with a really innocent and hopless "I just want to know". You want assurance that he passed peacefully but you're trying to prepare yourself for news that he didn't, but I think if you were to read this out loud I could hear your voice break on the "I just want to know" because you really can't prepare yourself for news like that. Those lines (in my opinion) had the most pain and sorrow in them, and they blew me away and broke my heart. Really well done.

"You're higher now" is also a really brilliant line. It's absolutely awful that he ended up (in a way, based on the word play) getting what he wanted. Just overall a really powerful line in a really powerful poem.

My only critique would be to add some punctuation. You used some endearments that could benefit from commas such as "too soon(,) honey(,) too soon". Or even "but the white snow(,) it stole you from me" so that you can direct where your readers take breaths and how this poem is supposed to read. Periods are really powerful as well because they signal a strong and final end of a sentence, thought or idea, and you may want to think about if the symbolism of using periods could benefit you in this poem.

But all in all, really amazing write and I feel honored that I had the privilege to read it.

[Jupiter]

Wow. You always have the best things to say. Thank you so much. What you said about "I just want to know" is exactly right. Thank you thank you thank you. And I will definitely work on punctuation. I think I wanted it to be read in a rushed way, with a lot of emotion, and I guess I'm "scared" of stopping the flow with commas and periods. But your tips sound so much better than I thought! Thank you for being such a wonderful, supportive friend, as always.

[Elwyn]

Rushed works too, though!! If that's how you want it to flow, then totally do it!! Especially if you ever wanted this to be a slam poem... hmmm... that would be INSANE to watch be performed. I'd probably cry.

[Jupiter]

Thank you lovely. I have been practicing this in slam fashion (;

[Carolynn]

This is so powerful it made my cry - I was right there experiencing every torment with you! Amazing poem

[Jupiter]

I'm sorry I made you cry :( but thank you so much. Thank you thank you thank you that means the world

[Firebird]

:-/ so sad and so powerful. I'm sorry for your loss...lost for words. There's nothing to say but I hope saying it brings you some relief.

[Jupiter]

Thank you for reading and reviewing, and thank you for being so sweet. Writing makes everything better(:

[onmyway]

I am sorry for your loss.. your words show the depth of love!

[Jupiter]

Thank you so much. What a lovely comment. Can't wait to read your writing!

[747]

Stanza 2 Line 4; 'is' should be 'it'
Stanza 5 Line 3/4; why did you choose the moon as your comparison? Generally the moon is a white/yellow colour, not red
Stanza 7 Line 4; again with the comparison not quite jiving. I would actually recommend here, instead of saying 'colourless' use 'empty'

Okay, other than that I thought it was exceptionally well written. You create a lot of empathy in your readers here. Drugs are a horrific battle and it always hurts when they win against someone you love.

Great piece.

[Jupiter]

Oh thank you for catching the typo! And I chose the moon as red because the night they told me that he was gone, there was some lunar eclipse thing going on that made the moon look red. I know it's strange, maybe I should change that, so thank you. And your last tip is great. I will change that asap.
Thank you so much. That means a lot. And thank you for visiting and taking the time to read and comment. You are wonderful!(:

[747]

No problem, I hope I didn't come across as too critical. I understand how hard it can be to write about personal experiences, and how much it can hurt when people criticize them.

For that line about the moon, perhaps you could rework it to mention what you just told me. Maybe something like... 'like that of the eclipsing moon' or 'like that night's blood red moon'
I dunno, just trying to help you come across clear to your readers rather than having confusion manifest and jolt them out.

I'm really glad you found my insight helpful. If you need anything else just let me know.

[Jupiter]

Absolutely not. It was so helpful and I'm just glad you took the time to read and review! I will definitely work with the moon line. And I will, same to you!!(: