Dreaming Up The Past

For the past week Ruth has been having dreams, or more like nightmares. Sometimes, dreams tell you what your heart really wants.

It felt like a slap to my face or a stab to my heart. My body felt stiff, rigid. I was stunned. My heart thumped wildly - as if it were to burst through my chest and fly away.

It was 11 o’clock and I was in our neighborhood park, near the swings. Darkness surrounded me with only the moons natural light to slightly expose my surroundings. Suddenly, I felt a touch on my shoulder. I flinched from its warm touch. I didn't want him touching me - I didn't want anything to do with him.

Anger was building up in me, I felt betrayed. My chest started to feel heavy. My hands were shaking and my hands felt clammy. Before I knew it, words were coming out of my mouth. "So you’re leaving me...”

Silence answered me.

"You’re gonna leave everything we have together." my voice cracked. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

The air around us felt thick and heavy. "When are you leaving?" I asked, staring at my feet. I didn't want to look at him.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning." he finally spoke.

"You’re leaving tomorrow morning?!" I yelled in shock. Hot tears were streaming down my face, turning cold from the fall weather. I turned to face him. How could he not tell me this earlier? What made him think that he couldn't tell me?

I searched my boyfriend's eyes for answers.

My eyes were stinging, "What made you think you couldn't tell me?" I repeated my thoughts.

I wiped my eyes and waited for his response. Tears kept running down my face. I was getting frustrated. "So?" I yelled, pushing his chest. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now. He opened his mouth, but he quickly closed it and turned his head from me, staring into space.

I stared at him. He really wasn't going to say anything. "Screw it. If you’re not going to tell me, I'm going home." I said irritated. I stormed off to the direction of my house, until he blocked me. I tried to make him move, but he kept his ground.

"Justin, move." I said coldly.

He didn't budge.

"Move or I'll knee you in the balls." I threatened.

He flinched when he heard my threat, but still, he didn't shift.

"Do not. Make me. Hurt you." I threatened again.

This time, instead of moving, he held my arms and starred at me. "You make it seem like I want to leave my life here, like I want to move!" he yelled, not taking his gaze off me.

Then, he turned his back to me, "Like I want to leave you."

I felt so guilty. I was making it harder for him. I knew that he didn't want to leave, but I just couldn't help but feel upset at him.

I sighed, "I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to... over react."

He chuckled, "You know that if I could, I would stay with you."

"If only you would."

With his back still faced to me, I walked over to him and hugged him. I never wanted to let go.

He took my hands in his and turned me to face him. He wrapped his slender arms around my waist, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, tip-toeing.

I looked up at him - I couldn't really see his face only saw his silhouette - and touched his face. I traced the outline of his lips, nose, ears, and then his eyes, I felt something wet, moist. Now I felt even worse, he was crying! Justin wasn't exactly the most expressive person when it came to emotions.

I wiped his tears away with my thumbs and kissed his chin. That was 'our' thing. Since I was a short 5'02 and he was a tall 5'11. I’d kiss his chin and he's kiss my nose. It was our way of saying sorry, or I love you, which Justin hadn’t said to me yet. Even though he hasn't said it, I knew he does. He's just shy to say it. Seeing him cry still surprised me.

He then cupped my chin and kissed my lips sincerely. I felt so much passion and enthusiasm in that kiss. It felt as if sparks were going through our lips.

Unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around me tighter, and swung me around in place. Freaking out, I held on to him squealing.

When he put me to my feet, I stared at him, now I could see his face.

"Okay, I wanna say something to you." he panted.

"Can you see my face in this lighting?" he asked, pointing up and down to his face. Somehow in the dim light, I did see his face.

I nodded. What was he trying to do?

His green eyes were vivid, his smile energized.

"Ruth," he started, "I've known you since we were two, and now that we've been together..." he paused and looked away.

"You know I like you, right?" he continued. I nodded, answering his question, but it was obvious he wasn't finished.

"No, I meant-I really, really like you." he said, looking attentively into my eyes.

Ahh, I could see where this was going.

"Oh Justin, what are you trying to say?" I asked him sarcastically, knowing fully aware of what he meant.

He ran his fingers through his un-gelled hair, like he always did when he was nervous. I observed him closely. Looking at him better, I could now see that his cheeks were pink, he was blushing! Seeing him like this made me giggle. Only he could make me laugh at these odd moments. He hearing my laugh only made him redden more, turning him a soft fluffy pink to as red as a strawberry. He looked at me upset. He really wanted to tell me something important.

I kissed his chin and smiled. He grinned at me, I knew I was forgiven.

He drew in a deep breath before saying, "I l-l-la-la-laff yoooh."

I busted out laughing uncontrollably; it was too cute and funny. He gawked at me, embarrassed.

He groaned, "Come on Ruthie, I'm trying to tell you something really important!"

I stopped giggling. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Carry on." I smiled trying hard to hold back my laughter.

"Alright, let me try this again." he said, clearing his throat and sucking another deep breath. "Ruth, I laaaoouff yooh." he tried to say once again, and like the first time, he couldn't say it.

"D****t, wait! I can do this! Let me try this one mo-" I cut him off, resting my fingers on his lips, "Justin, I get it. I love you too" I told him kissing his chin again.

I knew he was trying hard to say it, he knew how much it meant to me, and the fact that he said it, or at least tried to say it really made me glad to know how much he tried. He looked at me, disappointment on his face. He sighed, "How can you say it so easily?"

I looked at him. I told him what I felt, what my heart was telling me. "I can say it so easily because... You give me goosebumps when you smile, when you hug me. You make my heart flutter.” I paused at the words. “I know in my heart that I actually mean it when I say it. I can't explain how, but I know it's there, that I know that I love you."

I didn't realize that I was crying until he wiped my tears with his thumbs.

With his hand still on my face, he held my face and leaned down to kiss me.

After he let me go, he kissed my nose. A huge smile lit his face.

"Okay now, I know I could say it."

He closed his eyes and opened them, "Ruth, I love yo-"

My eyes shot open at the sound of the continuous beeping. I tried to find the snooze button on the alarm. Damn my cousin, Veronica for setting the stupid thing too early.

Another dream ruined or more like nightmare. I've been reliving that moment for the fifth time this week, and it's only Wednesday.

Two years have passed since that night.

Two years since he left.

Two years since he last said, "I love you."

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