hidden in the chaos

This was a short story I wrote in one of my classes based on the picture below. hope you enjoy.

 

Hidden in the Chaos

                There were no crickets conducting business in the middle of the night, no thudding of goat hooves in the mud outside her window and everyone was quietly asleep so Macy-loo had no reason to be up so late staring at the zinc roof being supported by the backs of elderly bamboo. She lived in a small wooden house on Acklins Island with her husband and two sons.  There was a tiny thatch outside for a kitchen and fifty feet from it a bamboo bathroom which required much improvisation in its use.  As she stared up at the roof her recurrent thoughts floated down and saturated her mind once again. Her husband was a honest working man who packed sugar can on to the haling trucks but was only able to supply so much and no more for his family. She was never expected by her peers to be anything more than normal; a typical housewife who’s lifestyle would by no means come close to the infamous Cindy Cabbins who died of hunger after her husband past away.  They had no idea but deep down Macy-loo always wanted to be more.

                She turned on her side to avert the now boring view of the ceiling and in doing so accidentally nudged her husband who with the alertness of his youth sprung to mid stance and asked if everything was alright. She made her apologies but he went to check on the boys anyways. At times she worried he loved them more than her but she couldn’t make this argument verbalize itself for he had given her so much affection as well it would seem blasphemous. He returned from seeing the two boys lapped neatly on a sponge in the corner of the small room to her and sat beside her. He asked her if she was ok. She answered a polite yes but inside she was so annoyed by how jovial and positive he could be even with them sometimes struggling financially. He took out a can of tobacco dip and placed one in the top right corner of his mouth. This was her chance; it was the closest thing to him having a fault. She pounced on him verbally and argued him being able to afford tobacco in their current situation. His reaction was that it helped him maintain his calm which is very important. The onslaught continued for an hour until he finally decided to surrender to her. He agreed to give up tobacco, she felt good to win but it didn’t change their situation and regrettably she was beginning to hate the man who had showed her so much love.  He went to sleep but her eyes wandered the room all night while her mind wondered the world.

                A few weeks passed and Macy-loo was feeling less and less content with her life. Those recurrent thoughts were basically permanent now. She remembered being told of a place across the seas where food was abundant, clothes are fancy and towns are organized. After having to spend the day washing, killing and preparing a hog for dinner, she had made up her mind. She tried not to think of the repercussions, her children or her husband but instead focused on the better life she had ahead. She left home in the afternoon and went down to the bay to speak with the local boats men. She had set an appointment to leave at midnight. At midnight she laid in her bed awake once more but this time her husband’s black working bag was under bed packed with her clothes. She slipped out of the house without looking back and met up with the boats men at the bay.   They set out on a thirteen hour boat ride and finally arrived in Gin Town at one o’clock in the day. She liked what she saw; high buildings made of concrete, shops, stores and people in suits. She paid the boat men half of the money she had stolen from her husband’s savings and before they left they warned her to be careful in Gin town because it is unpredictable. She smile and ran off happily to her new life.

                A year passed and Macy �"loo got settled into Gin Town she had met a man who was very attracted to her,  he had money and position in the town but he also had a huge ego and an undying greed for money. She eventually became his wife for his money but there were some prices to play. She had to help him steal from other towns and even had to stoop to prostituting herself for him. She felt horrible but she never said anything about it until she found out she was pregnant. She finally got back her feminine vigor and blamed her new husband for allow strange men to impregnate her, she cursed him in every manner imaginable but his response was so shocking it sent her into tears. He instead of apologizing called her a harlot and unfaithful wife and said that he was going to banish her out of the house as soon as the baby was born.  From then on she fell into a mental trance and huge emotional distress. While she had stress he flourished and became the mayor of Gin Town, ruling with selfish and corrupt ideals. The town was starting to increase in crime and corruption as everyone realized the mayor was running a dog eat dog town. Riots and fights became so common that it was more like a Saturday evening formality.

                A few months after she finally had her ‘illegitimate spawn’ her husband came around the small backroom he was making her stay and ordered her out. Her face shrunk and now she was having the new set of recurrent thoughts she had been having since her baby was born. She took her baby in hand and did not take any clothing but walked mindlessly out of the house. She was thinking of her former life, of how her husband would be gentle with her. The contrast made her lose her mind and she strolled down the road with her head heated and a feeling of hopelessness baked in her heart. She stopped at the corner shop and purchased something then went on to Gin Lane in the middle of the Town. There was a huge riot taking place but in her current condition she did not have eyes or ears for it. She went and sat upon the step and took out what she had purchased. It was a can of tobacco dip. She thought of how she had threw away all she had and the impulse made her mindlessly toss her baby of the steps. With no regards for her now naked breasts she looked down at the tobacco, but was unable to use it, just as she had disallowed her husband to use it, she would soon disallow her life with a smile.  She will hide it in the chaos. 

Reviews

[eallen]

I enjoyed the story Samoda; the imagery, the similes and metaphors, your facility with language. You captured my interest as a reader and made me want to read more; and that leads me to my critique. As a reader, I wanted more. The story was too short to encapsulate the narrative arc in which your characters existed. You could also work on transitions, especially in how the first paragraph transitions to the next. It was a bit jarring and I had to reorient where I was in relation to the actors in the story and the narrative thread. There were also what I call word slippage—using “past” when you mean passed away. There were other instances a swell, but that can all be cleaned up with careful editing. Other than that, good work. Keep them coming.

[Rachelle]

I disagree with the previous reviewer. Sometimes, you just have to let a story tell itself without dialogue and still give us an insight of the character and her circumstances.

[CecilA]

Suggestion:

I believe this story needs some dialog. Your plot is very good. The ending seems hurried. Consider rewriting this while reading it aloud and I believe you'll discover what needs to be done. I don't think you need to highlight 'illegitimate spawn'. Consider:

A few months after she birthed her illegitimate spawn, her husband ordered her out.

Thanks for sharing this interesting story.