Confidant

       Several days passed and things seemed strangely uncomfortable for me.  I could feel everything starting to intensify as each day passed and it was starting to become unbearable again.  I was having trouble sleeping even.  In fact, I awoke from the same nightmare for days on end; I kept seeing Travis on the floor at my feet begging for his life. 

My nights seemed to become more dreadful, because my nightmares seemed like so much more than just dreams.  During the morning I felt more lucid, more in control than I would throughout the rest of the day.  It was like being two completely different people, and as much as I told myself not to be the monster---craved it and wanted to continue to only satisfy myself. 

Alana knocked at my door.  

"Ryan, hey, are you awake?"  She called from the hallway.  I thought about ignoring her, hoping she would just walk away.

"Ryan, come on you already slept through class, and you have to go to work in a couple hours."  Immediately, my attention jumped to the alarm clock at my beside, it was already one thirty in the afternoon.  

"I'm up!"  I said, trying not to sound too cranky.  

When I got to the door I saw Alana, she looked awful.  She had dark rings around her eyes as though she hadn't slept in a week.  Her hair was half-up and half-down, she was wearing a pair of loose gym pants and an all-too-big t-shirt.  I thought about asking her what was wrong, or if she was feeling okay, but instead I dismissed the thought and continued into the bathroom to get ready for work.

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My thoughts were so unclear, I could hardly focus on driving.  I had to slam on my breaks multiple times on the way to work because I was so unfocused.  I had a million thoughts floating around in my head, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't talk to just anyone.  I didn't know who to trust with such a valuable piece of information.  I needed help, between my conflicting issues with this ability and then the odd feelings I had for Anthony---I was a mess.  

My phone started ringing, and I thought about ignoring it all together, but something told me to take a glance at it.   

Daniel?  I thought to myself.  I hadn't heard from him since right after the accident.  He moved away to New Jersey shortly after my accident had happened.  His girlfriend, Dawn who was also one of my close friends, got an internship at a hospital in New York City and he got offered a job in management at a Best Buy there.  I was surprised he took the job because he always seemed uninterested in management but since his family lived in New Jersey and the job would put him closer to her he decided to take it.  

He was the one person I could count on for anything, no matter what he was there and that made him more than just a friend or a best friend even.  I always considered Daniel to be more like a brother.  He tried to keep in touch after his move, but when I stopped talking to everyone I also stopped answering my phone.  I guess he stopped calling because he got tired of getting a voice-mail, but we would still text from time to time.  Thinking of this made me feel guilty.  

How could I have shut him out?  I hadn't even thought of trying to call and talk to him, figured he would just ignore my calls in return.   

"Hello?" I answered.

"Ryan?" the voice came the phone sounding all too familiar.

"What's up bro?" I asked.  

"Well, I just moved back to Savannah, I got a transfer back to the Best Buy here and I figured we could chill."  He said.  

"Yeah, um, when do you start back to work here?" I asked curiously.

"Tomorrow." he answered me quickly.  

"Well, we could do something after I get out of work tonight or tomorrow before we both have to go in.   Are you working days or nights?" I asked him.

"Well mostly nights, but since I am an Assistant Manager now I'll probably have to work both, so just text me when you get off tonight and I'll let you know what's good."  He told me plainly.  

"Alright, I'll talk to you later then."  I said trying not to sound too excited that my best friend was back in town.  

I thought over my previous thoughts, and realized this was the perfect opportunity to talk to someone about everything.  His call was exactly what I needed, and being able to talk to someone I knew I could trust with absolutely anything made me feel so much better.  In fact, the brief conversation over the phone helped to relax me quite a bit, but the feeling only lasted a few short moments.  

As I pulled up to work I noticed Anthony leaning up against his car.  His expression was interesting and it became even more so that when he noticed my arrival.  It was as if all sense of focus and clarity escaped me as soon as I laid eyes on him.  It was difficult for me to get a good grasp on how to feel about him, just in general.  It took so much focus to live with my intensified senses, that blocking out any kind of regular thoughts or feelings had become as natural as breathing to me.  It was actually a bit comical really, being that at one time I was such a "people-person" and now, basic human interaction had become so challenging for me.  

There was a parking spot two spaces away from him that was empty and I had to fight with myself on whether or not to park there.  My first thoughts were to just find another spot, but my curiosity superseded.  I pulled into the spot feeling anxious and nervous all at the same time.  

What if he doesn't even acknowledge me?  I paused before turning off my car.  I casually got out of the car and started to walk toward the front door of the building.  

"Hey Ryan." I heard his voice call to me as I walked past him, but I continued towards the door.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked me.  I stopped even though my thoughts were to just ignore him.  Instead, I turned and walked back over to him.  

"What's up?"  I was looking in the direction of my car. 

"I don't really understand you, do you have a problem with me?"  I could see him staring at me out of the corner of my eye.  

"No, I don't even know you."  His statement made me feel almost insulted. 

"Well are you a jack-a*s to everyone you meet?" Anthony's face was scrunched into an angry and confused expression.  I paused to look at him but he directed his attention to a group of people that were walking past us.  

"I guess I'm just a generally cold person."  I snickered a little.  

"Pfff, really?  A cold person wouldn't have jump-started my car the other night, and told me to keep the cables."  His eyes met mine and I looked away quickly.  

"I had no use for them."  My response was quick and slightly defensive.  

"You wouldn't even talk when I first met you.  Something has clearly changed since then.  You can't expect me to believe that you were always like this, something had to make you this way!"  He was still looking at me.  I imagined he was probably waiting for a good, reasonable, explanation.  

"Why are you so interested, anyways?"  My voice came out a little louder than I had intended.  We were looking dead at one another now, but he must have been at a loss for words.  

"I'm gonna get inside before I'm late, you may wanna do the same."  I said and walked away.  Every step I took closer to the building felt like walking on hot coals.  I could feel the aggravation from my conversation with Anthony and it made the pain of each step I took feel worse.  I felt like such an idiot for being such a jerk to him----it made me angry just thinking about it.  The fact that Anthony was trying to figure me out frustrated me.  

I finally clocked in and got to work, but I was completely distracted.  Several customers came in, but I could only pay half of my attention to them.  I kept looking at Anthony out of the corner of my eye, he was so diligent.  Work seemed to be dragging on tonight and I was almost, definitely, ready to get off and go spend some time with Daniel.  I tried to busy my mind with thoughts of things other than Anthony and it proved to be a difficult task.  

Alana crossed my mind and it made me feel guilty, not the kind of guilt that was easily dismissed either.  Rather than feeling completely uncaring about the situation that was beginning to surround me, something suddenly had me completely lucid and conscious about everything.  It was strange; sort of like the feeling someone gets when they're between awake and asleep, that feeling that makes them realize that everything they had just experienced wasn't real.  This was similar, except that; I had realized that everything I was experiencing was completely real.  What I hadn't realized is that I was staring at Anthony like an idiot.  

"You know when you stare at a picture like that it's not so weird, but I can't say the same about staring at people."  He said to me with a grin on his face.  I shut my eyes and held them tightly closed for a moment.  

"Oh, sorry I guess I got lost in thought for a moment."  I thought my response would be a little more clever than it was, but it was the only thing I could think to say.  

"Ryan!"  Leonna's voice came suddenly from the other side of the service desk.  

"Hey!"  I said, startled but grateful that she had interrupted the almost awkward conversation I was about to have with Anthony.   

"What's up?"  I asked her.  

"Well, you know the other night after John left to go get cigarettes?  He never came home and I haven't heard from him in days.  I don't know what to think.  I am really worried."  She said quietly, trying to keep the conversation between just the two of us.  I glanced over at Anthony and I was almost certain he was eavesdropping.  

"Well have you called any of his family?  Maybe they might know where he is."  I asked her.  I could hear my pulse in my ears and it almost seemed to drown out my own words.  

"Yeah, no one has heard from him."  She answered me quickly.  

"Well Lee, maybe you should file a missing persons report.  Although I wouldn't if I were you, damn woman-beater."  I said and my voice trailed off. 

"What did you just say?"  She asked, sounding a bit disturbed by my remark.

"I said, maybe you should file a missing persons report."  I half-repeated myself, even though I was certain she had heard what I said the first time.  She looked at me in disbelief and then walked off in the direction of her department.  

"She's pissed."  Anthony said just loudly enough for me to barely hear him.  I wanted to throw something at him.  

Nosy b*****d.   Instead of entertaining his remark I went straight back to work and, luckily, the rest of the night seemed to carry on a bit more quickly.  I wondered, briefly though, about if Leonna suspected that I had said or done something to John.  

I quickly left the parking lot that night, that way I wouldn't have to spend any extra time getting my brain picked by Anthony again.  I drove to one of my favorite bars "Rudy's", I needed a drink after the day that I had.  I thought about inviting Daniel,  but I figured we could just have lunch the next day or something.  I had other intentions for the evening.  When I walked in I walked over to the bar and sat down waiting for the bartender to acknowledge me.  

"Hey!"  Elisa's voice broke out from behind me.  She sat down on the bar stool next to me.  

"Hey Elisa, what are you doing here?"  I still hadn't taken my attention off the busy bartender who was now walking over to me.  

"What can I get you?"  The man behind the bar asked me sounding a bit hurried.  

"I'll take three shots of your best vodka and a sex-on-the-beach"  I told him just as quickly, then turned to face Elisa.  

"Wow, hell of an order.  Something you wanna talk about?"  Elisa said sounding a little concerned.  

"Not really, actually I'd rather just have my drinks in peace so I can try to forget about the day that I have had, it's been a long one."  I looked closer at what she was wearing; still in her scrubs from work.  

"You know I have been meaning to talk to you about everything, I mean since you've come around and decided to start talking to everyone again."  Elisa said, and I could hear in her voice that she had been there for a while.  

"Look, I am tired of everyone trying to figure out what's wrong with me.  Isn't it obvious?  I nearly killed one of my closest friends.  No, I am not over it, and no I don't forgive myself.  I know it wasn't my fault but I still feel guilty and I am tired of everyone trying to tell me not to!"  I told her quickly.  

Her look showed nothing less than disapproval.  I took my attention off of her and quickly to my drinks that had just been set at the bar in front of me.  I quickly threw back all three shots and started on my drink.  

It was then that I noticed the beautiful woman staring at me from across the bar.  Slowly she sipped on her drink, never taking her attention off of me.  She was gorgeous; beautiful wavy blonde hair and the most amazing creamy-white complexion.  I dropped two-twenty dollar bills on the bar, grabbed my drink and started over to her.  

"Hey, I'm Ryan.  Mind if I join you?"  I introduced myself and took a seat next to her before she could say anything. 

"Well my name's Riley and, please, pull up a chair."  She said laughing a little.  Seemed like she had been drinking quite a bit too, which made it easier for me to make a good impression.  

We got carried away in conversation for a while, talking about where we worked and things we liked to do.  It was pleasant to have casual conversation with a stranger, definitely something I hadn't done in a long time. 

I caught myself staring at her perfect skin several times, my heart was racing, despite the alcohol I had consumed.  My head was pounding, and my blood was rushing.  Riley was smart and sexy, and my intentions were sinful at the least.  

"So did you come alone?"  I asked her, trying not to stare at her perfectly shaped breasts that were practically falling out of her top.  

"No, I came with friends but I don't see them, they might have left"  She said peeking around me and looking around the bar.  

"Let me give you a lift home."  I said to her trying to sound more innocent.  She looked at me, probably thinking about the statement I had just made.  

"Okay, sure."  She said reluctantly.  Before long we were pulling up in her driveway.  

"Do you wanna come inside?"  My night looked like it was already turning around, that was exactly what I was hoping she would ask.  Before we could get in the door the heat was turning up and we were kissing like mad animals.  We stumbled through the hall knocking what sounded like pictures off of the walls.  Images started to push their way into my mind, but I paid them no attention.  We fell onto the couch still kissing.  I ran my fingers through her hair, it was so long and silky. 

She started to undo my belt, and I could tell where that was going.  I lifted her skirt and slowly slid her panties off, the touch of her skin felt as smooth as it looked.  I slid in closer to her and started to caress her breasts with my lips.  My body was practically screaming with excitement, and before long I was inside her.  Every thrust felt ten times better than I could remember from before the accident----this wasn't so bad after all.  My ability made touching terrible and amazing all at once.  

She moaned lightly, and ran her hands up my back.  She started kissing my neck and slowly worked up to nibbling on my ears.  This was so much to take in, but it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt.  More images pushed their way through, it was a classroom full of kids.  Woah!  Definitely not the images I wanted at the moment.  I tried to block them out, but they pushed forward harder.  

"Riley!"  I said. 

"Shhh,"  She responded quietly.  This was not exactly how I had imagined this would happen.  Suddenly my mind was overtaken by hers, and still I was thrusting myself into her.  It was as if I had no control over my own actions.  My body screamed for more, and so did she.  Her moans grew louder.  Images of a loved one in the hospital came through, and before I could think suddenly images of Travis at my feet flashed before me.  I was pushing this into her with every thrust and suddenly her moans turned to screams.  

Her screams were not screams of ecstasy, but instead screams of terror and she began to push against me.  But she was no match for me, she was growing weaker and I felt stronger with every thrust.  Images of Travis dead at my feet came through now and she was seeing everything I was thinking at this point.  

I couldn't feel her moving anymore, in fact her body felt almost lifeless.  I shook her lightly. 

"Riley?!"  I asked, sounding a bit alarmed.  I got up and started readjusting my clothes.  Oh my god!  I thought to myself.  Had I really screwed her to death?  She wasn't breathing.  I needed to do something, but instead my instincts told me to run.  I couldn't run, how would this look, someone was going to find her.  I was fighting with myself, I felt to great to care about any of the consequences, but I didn't want to go to jail.  I called the police and waited for them to arrive.  

The officers on the scene seemed a little disturbed at the whole story.after all how often were people fucked to death?  It was nearly dawn before I ever got the chance to leave, and when they finally finished up all the questioning I rushed home.  I was a little disturbed at the whole situation myself.  How was I suppose to have sex with anyone if they all ended up dead, I mean I didn't even get off.  What a waste of time!  I tried not to think too much on the whole ordeal, it was late and I didn't want to sleep the whole following day away.  I decided a nap would suffice 

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Morning came quicker than I had hoped and I awoke still feeling annoyed.  I was frustrated with what I had experienced the previous night along with the fact that I had almost no sleep.  I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat for breakfast even though it was already early in the afternoon.  Alana wasn't home and that was rather disappointing, I was hoping to see her hopefully back to her usual self.  

My doorbell rang suddenly several times.  Who the hell is that?  I got up and walked out to my front door and to my surprise it was Daniel.  I opened the door before he could ring the bell again.  

"Hey, I'm surprised you drove your lazy Puerto-Rican a*s over here!"  I said jokingly, and initiated out regular handshake and hug that we always did when we greeted each other.  Daniel was well built, quite muscular and a very attractive man, despite what he liked to admit, and he nearly squeezed the life out of me with his hug as usual.

"Funny, so what's up man, I thought I would hear from you last night."  He asked sounding playfully serious.  

"Yeah, sorry about that I decided to go out for a few drinks after work, I had a really interesting night and needed to get some things off my mind."  I explained.  

"Relax Ryan, I was just messin' with you man."  He said as he followed me back into the kitchen where I was eating a bowl of cereal.  

"So what's wrong?  You don't usually drink so something's gotta be up."  He asked me, as he poured himself some cereal and took a seat next to me. 

"Well, there's this guy at work that I kinda find interesting.  But he's doing the whole 'try to figure me out' thing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Then I met this girl last night and I took her back to her house."  I told him pausing before I could continue.  

"A girl huh?  Was she sexy?  Did you hit it man?"  He asked joking around as we always had.  I looked at him trying to figure out exactly what I was going to tell him.  

"Hey man, you alright?  I was just kidding.  Oh, and if you like the guy at work why don't you actually get to know him.  I hate to tell you Ryan, but people figuring someone out is actually normal bro."  He said.  

"I did hit it man.  I fucked her to death!"  I told him.  He looked at me and almost choked on his food.  

"What do you mean?"  He asked me still laughing.  

"I mean I killed her, like she's dead."  I told him with the most serious expression I could put on.  

"Oh, you're serious!"  He said now looking a bit more serious as well.  

"Yeah, and I killed Travis too.  Something's wrong with me man."  I told him.  

"It's been ever since I got out of the hospital, every time I touch someone, something bad happens to them.  I can see their thoughts and memories and I can feel myself draining their life .  I have no one else to talk to about it and I knew I could trust to tell you."  I explained.  He looked at me almost in disbelief.  

"You don't believe me?"  I asked him.  

"Well, I mean I don't know.  You touched me just a minute ago."  He responded quickly.  

"I know that's just it I can't control it.  The only time it seems at ease, or I feel like myself is right after I do it to someone."  I explained in my defense.  Quickly I explained everything that had been going on since the accident, with my strange new ability and just in general.  I told him what happened with Travis, Alana and Leonna.  I even told him what I had done to John and he seemed to take it well.  It felt so right telling Daniel about everything, and as usual he was perfectly helpful in his way.  I loved that I could count on him; he was my best friend, brother and now more than ever before, my confidant, and he assured me that he would help me figure everything out.