Her Cancer

Free verse. Written after I learned my cousin had cancer.

I cannot move, my legs are stuck in my denial,
what a horrible substance.
I want to move, but I'm perplexed:

To move back would be to go into ignorance.
To move forward would be to go into certainty.

My right leg is eager to step ahead, reaching for facts.
My left leg is afraid of the actuality that she might die so young.

If each question were a step toward knowing,
Then I belong where I am.
I haven’t asked a single question about her condition,
my strength is lacking,
my courage is nonexistent.

To see the adults around me cry breaks me.
If they can’t handle this, how can I?
I’m not as emotionally seasoned as they are.

I would be heartbroken if I knew
she was going to die
so I haven't been able to ask any questions so far.

If I can't move, I'll stand still,
here in my denial,
unable to do anything of use.
And I will stand here,
possibly forever
until the adults approach me and tell me how she'll be.
If she'll get better or worse, that's all I need to know.
Only then will I move forward.