I don't want to hate you

Years ago I thought you were ready for me
that you would rescue you from my life of obscurity
I wouldn't have to want to be wanted anymore
truth evaporate from your words years ago
crumbled like the Marigolds I preserved when we met
I was broken, but still whole, young, free and you
found me in my drug induced, catatonic daydreams
and said you would be my tourniquet
but I'm bleeding now because of you...
The rhythm of our hearts was written in epic lengths
plans were made as we became one complete person
now we've separated and I can't help feeling illegitimate
because I feel like I mean nothing to you.

Reviews

[Mia Pow]

This brings back a few memories i wish could be forgotten...but i learned from them so they remain a part of me. Fantastic details! They quickly draw you in!

"plans were made as we became one complete person
now we've separated and I can't help feeling illegitimate
because I feel like I mean nothing to you."

[Theta S. T.]

"I was broken, but still whole, young, free and you
found me in my drug induced, catatonic daydreams
and said you would be my tourniquet
but I'm bleeding now because of you.."

I love these lines...

"plans were made as we became one complete person
now we've separated and I can't help feeling illegitimate
because I feel like I mean nothing to you."

i hate going though and making plans with someone just to be let down in the end it really feels like you waisted your time on the whole thing for nothing

~~theta

[Brianna Brie]

and said you would be my tourniquet
but I'm bleeding now because of you...

I love the image you created here...this is a sad, sad heartbreaker poem. Well written!

[Troilus]

I think that the image which grabbed me most was the bleeding in spite of the tourniquet. The imagery and description of feeling you give to this poem is very effective. The capitalized Marigolds also shine in this poem. The first line is so powerful that one could not possibly resist diving in, and I felt rewarded by the complexity of bittersweet feeling throughout the poem. The ones we have loved often make the most difficult and rewarding poems, don't they? D****t. Good job, T.

[Troy Baham Jr.]

crumbled like the Marigolds I preserved when we met
I was broken, but still whole, young, free and you
found me in my drug induced, catatonic daydreams
and said you would be my tourniquet
but I'm bleeding now because of you...
The rhythm of our hearts was written in epic lengths
plans were made as we became one complete person
now we've separated and I can't help feeling illegitimate

i didn't even notice the rhyming in this at first. YOU ARE A BEAST. this is some pretty deep s**t and i love the way you tell us about whatever happened but you make it so vague that we really have no idea what really happened between you two.

[REALIZE]

This was crazy. You had so many lines in here where you had me like "damn"

"The rhythm of our hearts was written in epic lengths
plans were made as we became one complete person
now we've separated and I can't help feeling illegitimate"

You got me from the beginning, yes, but those lines above, took me. You can give so much personality to a piece which is difficult to cultivate. Mix in a little emotion and heart you have poetry at its best here. Great Write, love

[Moray]

You had me with the first line. You speak of epics in this poem, and the nature of that first line is epic in and of itself. This is how Stories (yes, with a capital S) are told.

Like others have mentioned, "The rhythm of our hearts was written in epic lengths" is a standout line. I only wonder about "lengths" -- if that's the word you mean to use, or, because we're talking about rhythm, you might rather try something that more closely relates to rhythm (whether it be in music or language). You know, something like...verse...or progression. Fool around with it, see what you think.

I like the idea of the "you" in the poem finding the "I" in a state of daydreaming...whether, like a fairy tale, he comes upon her in her sleep (sorry, just assuming sexes for ease of discussion); or if he actually enters her daydream -- the latter of which puts a whole new interpretive spin on the poem. Anyhow, the idea of meeting someone in daydream is a wonderful articulation of that L word, and how it can affect one's vision. We see things as we want them to be, not necessarily as they truly are.

I did have some issues with "drug induced" and "catatonic" because they seem so contradictory to the description of the narrator as being still young, whole, and free in spite of her brokenness. It's unclear as to whether these are literal or metaphoric drugs we're talking about. If they're literal -- well, that's a whole nother story. But if it's metaphoric, well...I feel the poem could do without it. It seems you need only mention "daydream" to get the idea across -- that this is someone who has been wounded in the past, but who survives by living in something of a fantasy world...medication, illegal drugs, daydreams, etc. It's just my feeling that "daydreams" alone is sufficient to express the escapism at work.

I really like the lines that follow this tough spot: "and said you would be my tourniquet/ but I'm bleeding now because of you..." I like the implied removal of the tourniquet leading to the bleeding. I don't so much like the use of "but" in the beginning of the second line, though. If it were me, I would say, "Now I'm bleeding because of you..." I'm not sure why; seems a little cleaner, maybe? One more nit-picky thing, and then I've gotta run: I don't care for the passive voice in "plans were made as we became one complete person". It removes me from the narrative, the emotions, etc...and I want to be right there with you, to the bitter end.

[Super Nova]

Man this is tooo true... u put ur all in a relationship because u THINK its gonna be what u need...but when its over u feel less than u did b4 u met the guy! I love it. simple.

[My Poetry Is A Part Of ..]

Relationships are a B***H!
Be it family or love alwasy hard to deal with.

KUDOS

PEACE!!

[Lionel Braud]

The rhythm of our hearts was written in epic lengths

it seemd like you invested a lot in this relationship. i like your word choices to explain these feelings. tourniquet, epic lengths, drug induced-catatonic state.