Conductor

He liked to play dress up

wear costumes

and the other kids mocked him

they’d probably call it cosplay these days,

but there wasn’t a word for it back then (I’m old)

I mean, yeah, you learn early on

it’s not ok to dress differently

so when you do, you got to expect

something to come your way

and he was cool, he’d smile,

duck his head, go to class

he did it every day

and they mocked him every day

smile, duck head, go to class;

I never mocked him

to be honest, on the inside,

I was curious to see

what he’d wear each day

how far he’d push it

if there was a limit before he would bend

and dress like everyone else

like they wanted

he liked trains, and movies,

smiling, ducking his head

he was a shy creature

it was almost like he couldn’t hear them,

the chirps in the halls, the calls in the cafeteria;

he never turned to them

he never fought back in any way

I don’t know really how bad it got

only what I saw

and I didn’t have classes with him

I just watched for him in the halls

to see what costume he’d chosen for that day

and wait for him to smile into their teeth;

Then senior year, he was just gone

I heard a rumor months later he’d hung himself

and I couldn’t believe it

he always just smiled, ducked his head

and kept doing his thing

I thought he was impervious to it

I thought him something much stronger

than myself

and admired him

didn’t he know that if

he just knocked off the costume thing

they would leave him alone?

or would they?

did they just know weakness,

scent it on him

something I never smelled?

I like to think it was something else…

he wasn’t weak

he just refused to be anything but himself

until they just became too much for him

and it was time for the final smile

the last time to duck his head.

 

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

This somber tale has the ring of autobiography to it. Early on, we learn to be suspicious of the nonconformist; it's as though they are in some way a threat. The poor kid in this work seems as though he was desperate for attention, even the negative type. I have a feeling he came from an abusive situation. His tragedy was that he perpetuated beyond the home. An episode well related by the witness, a story to ponder.

[JR]

Thanks John, it is definitely autobiographical. He got me wondering about human nature... would they have left him alone if he had just conformed?