Prologue

It was a typical early summer day in Ashship. The sun was shining down on the people walking the streets, and a light breeze cooled the air slightly. Ashship wasn’t a big town, but it wasn’t so small everyone knew each other either. This particular day, the streets were busy and among the masses was Summer-Rose Xander. Summer was only sixteen, but she naturally turned heads. Her tall, narrow frame screamed confidence; however, it was her strawberry-blonde hair and forest green eyes that captured attention. Attention Summer ignored. She didn’t want it, or need it, except from one person. The person Summer knew was the love of her life, her soulmate. Indigo Wyatt. Just the thought of Indigo brought a smile to Summer’s lips, so when she heard the familiar song she’d set as Indigo’s ringtone, she couldn’t contain the grin that spread across her face. She’d been waiting to hear from her girlfriend all morning and hurried to pull her phone from her jeans pocket to answer it. “Hey. Have you heard anything yet?” she rushed out.

“Well, hello to you, too,” Indigo giggled through the phone. Summer rolled her eyes. She knew Indigo understood what she was asking. “Don’t be rolling your eyes, Sums. I’ll answer your question after I get a proper greeting.”

They were in tune with each other. They could predict the other’s reactions, meaning Summer could almost see Indigo blushing once she heard what Summer had to say. “I’m sorry, gorgeous. I was excited to hear your voice and hear your news. I’ll try again, ok? Good morning, Indi, although it would have been better if I’d woke up beside you.”

“OK, that was better.”

“I’d complete that by giving you a kiss if we were next to each other. Possibly on both sets of your lips,” Summer smirked.

“Oh my God! Summer!” Indigo squeaked.

Summer let out a hearty chuckle. “And that would be the response I’d be after.”

“Sometimes I really don’t like you.”

Summer’s eyes widened. “I’m not on speaker, am I?”

“No, but Lexi’s sat next to me and can hear every word,” Indigo sighed. “She said you’re not old enough to speak like that.”

Summer let out a heavy breath. Although she was embarrassed Indigo’s older sister heard her, it could have been much worse. “I’m sure we’ll argue about that when I see her,” Summer groaned. “Are you going to answer my question now?”

“What question?”

Summer pinched the bridge of her nose. Her girlfriend really could frustrate the hell out of her. At times like this, it’s hard to believe Indigo was two years older than Summer. Indigo had already graduated high school and secured a place at a good college, but she had also applied for a summer internship with Ashship’s biggest law firm, Pichler & Partners. Summer knew how much Indigo wanted this position and supported her every step of the way. The only thing she needed to know now was did Indigo get it. “Indigo Wyatt,” Summer half growled. “Don’t play with me. Have you heard anything about the internship?”

“Yeah. I got the call this morning.”

Indigo dreamed of being a lawyer, and this internship was a massive opportunity, so the flatness of her girlfriend’s voice worried Summer. She hadn’t gotten a full answer and pushed to get it. “And?”

Summer needed all the information she could get to help Indigo in whatever way she needed. “Mrs. Platt called personally. She said that although there were other applicants that had more experience, she liked my passion and drive,” Indigo hummed.

It took Summer a moment to realize there wasn’t an ounce of sadness in Indigo’s tone. Indigo was trying to play her, but she didn’t care. She did, however, want to confirm her thoughts. “You got it, didn’t you?”

“I got it!” Indigo yelled. Pure happiness was all Summer heard.

Summer jumped and punched the air, ignoring all the strange looks she was getting from others in the street. “Yes!” she cheered. “That’s amazing. You’re amazing. Indi, I’m so proud of you. What happens now?”

“You get yourself here so we can celebrate,” Indigo laughed.

Summer gasped. “Indigo! Your sister is there, probably the rest of your family too.”

“Summer-Rose Xander, that is not what I meant.”

“Thinking about it now though, aren’t you?” Summer smirked. Her smirk grew when a soft whine caught her ear. “I’ll be there in thirty minutes or so.”

“That’s too long,” Indigo complained. “I’ll come get you.”

As much as Summer was desperate to see her girlfriend, she couldn’t let Indigo come to her. “Babe, calm down. I’m not at home, and it’s only thirty minutes. What’s the rush?”

“The rush is I miss you and want to see you. Don’t you want to see me?”

“You know I do,” Summer sighed. “I’m in town right now picking something up. I’ll come straight to you as soon as I’ve got it.”

“Are you getting me a gift?” Indigo asked, her voice laced with an excitement that made Summer chuckle. “You are! What is it?”

“It’s a surprise. Well, half a surprise now, and you’ll see when I get there.”

“I’d see it sooner if I came and picked you up?” Indigo tried.

“I promise I’ll make it worth it if you wait,” Summer countered. “Besides, I need you to calm Lexi down before I get there. I don’t want to argue with her today. Even though it is one of my favorite things to do.”

“Ok, I’ll do my best, but it’s Lexi, so I can’t promise anything.” Indigo’s giggles suddenly turned into a yelp letting Summer know Lexi had hit her. Summer was usually the target of Lexi’s wrath, but it was always playful. That’s just who Lexi was. “You need to hurry. She’s using my shoulder as practice for the back of your head.”

“I’m also stopping to get a crash helmet,” Summer groaned. “See you soon.”

“Not soon enough. Love you, Sums.”

“Love you more,” Summer replied before ending the call and sliding her phone back into her pocket.

She looked around to check where she was. She got so caught up with Indigo, she hadn’t been paying attention to her surroundings. On more than one occasion while talking to Indigo, either on the phone or in person, Summer had completely forgotten what she had originally set out to do. She wasn’t about to do that on this day. She had a plan and she was sticking to it. Looking at the door of the jewelers, she started to get nervous. What if Indigo didn’t like it? Shaking off the negative thought, Summer took a deep breath and entered the store.

 

Indigo dropped her phone on to her lap and grinned. Lexi shook her head at her younger sister. Indigo narrowed her eyes. “What?”

“Nothing. You’ve got that stupid look on your face again,” Lexi deadpanned.

“Leave her alone,” their mother, Henrietta scolded Lexi. “She’s in love. It’ll happen to you one day.” Lexi mumbled under her breath and folded her arms. Henrietta rolled her eyes then smiled towards Indigo. “Is Summer coming?”

“Yes, Mama,” Indigo nodded. “She said she’ll be about half an hour. She’s buying me a gift, and herself a crash helmet.”

Indigo’s father, Wilson, laughed and pointed at Lexi. Indigo nodded again. The Wyatt family was close. They knew almost everything about each other and supported each other in whatever they did. “She’ll need it after what I heard,” Lexi huffed. “Did she say what she was getting you?”

Indigo glanced around the room. Summer was right. All her family were with her. Her parents, Lexi, and her two older brothers, Ric and Gaz. Indigo always felt she was somewhat protected because she was the youngest, but she was never stopped from doing anything. “Couldn’t get it out of her,” Indigo shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I’m sure I’ll love whatever it is almost as much as I love her.”

A sudden sound of disgust turned everyone’s attention towards Ric. His face held a scowl that nearly sent a shiver down Indigo’s spine. “Sis, you know I love you,” he started, “but when are you going to grow out of this?”

Indigo was confused. “Grow out of what?”

“This phase of girls,” he spat, as if even saying the words burnt his mouth. “It’s been long enough.”

Indigo clenched her jaw. She’d had to defend her sexuality, and relationship with Summer many times before but she never thought she’d have to defend herself to her own brother. She knew he and Summer didn’t get on. She’d put it down to their polar personalities. Summer was outgoing, and Ric kept to himself. Hearing him brush off her feelings as a phase angered Indigo more than anything. “It’s not a phase,” she snapped.

Ric let out a disappointed sigh, shook his head and stood from the chair he’d been sat in. “If that disease is coming here, I’m leaving.”

“ULRIC?!” Henrietta bellowed, shocked at her eldest child’s words.

Ric flinched at not only the volume of his mother’s voice but also the use of his full christen name. He may have been twenty-five years old, yet he knew he was in trouble. “I’ve got work,” he muttered before grabbing a bag and rushing out the house.

Indigo’s grey eyes burned with fury. She would not allow herself to cry, not over the ignorant words of a bigot. Even if it was her brother. “I don’t know where that came from,” Wilson sighed. “We raised you all the same. People are people. We’re all the same underneath. I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”

“If you can get to him before Mama does. I think she’s got a few choice words for him,” Lexi stated.

Henrietta sent her daughters a small smile. “But if it is a phase, you’d do your favorite brother a solid and push Sums my way, right?” Gaz asked while wiggling his eyebrows.

Lexi rolled her eyes at his ill-timed attempt at humor. “Firstly, it’s not a phase,” Indigo growled. “Secondly, she’s five years younger than you.”

“Thought I’d put it out there,” Gaz shrugged. “Besides, she won’t always be five years younger.”

“Yes, she will,” Lexi scoffed. “How did you pass Math?”

“You don’t want to know,” he winked. “Anyway, I’ve got to go. Congrats, Indigo. I’ll be back before dinner. Love you guys.”

“Where are you going?” Wilson questioned.

“Practice.”

Gaz kissed the top of Indigo’s head before leaving. Indigo turned to look at Lexi. “What about you, Lexi? You got to go too?” Indigo breathed.

Lexi wrapped her arms around Indigo’s shoulders. “Not yet,” she whispered. Indigo let her head drop against Lexi’s shoulder. Her sister didn’t often show her soft side, but when she did it was usually towards her. “Mama? Pops? I was thinking we could go shopping when Summer gets here. If she’s got Indigo a gift, I need to get one. I will not be outdone by that little smartass.”

“Honey, that’s a good idea,” Wilson agreed. “However, I think Summer will have us beat whatever we get. Gifts from the one you love always mean more.”

“In that case, I’m returning your birthday present. Mama’s will mean more.”

“What? No… That’s not…” Wilson stumbled over his words. He shook his head on defeat when he heard all his girls laughing at him, even though to him it sounded like music. “I’m sure you get your cruel streak from your Grandmother.”

“And I’m sure you mean your mother.” Henrietta playfully glared at her husband. Wilson nodded but mouthed a silent ‘no’ as soon as Henrietta turned away from him. “Now that’s our plans sorted, what shall we do while we wait?”

Indigo snuggled herself further into Lexi’s side. She was still upset by what Ric had said, and a bad feeling suddenly hit her. She just didn’t know why. She’d feel better when she had Summer in her arms. No matter how she was feeling, Summer brightened her mood. When they were together, Indigo truly believed she could accomplish anything. She glanced down at her phone and smiled when she saw a text from the girl that filled her mind. “C u in 20 xx I love you xx”

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Jemma,

In general: I find it hard to say whether I liked this prologue so far. I have an idea that somebody got a job and that is it. If have no clue what is happening at the house. I notice that you introduce a LOT of characters in a short space of time. I have already lost any understanding I had of their interpersonal relationship. Consider slowing down a bit. Stick to two or three characters at most for this prologue and give them a description, make them come alive. What do they look like? What are their personalities. There are a lot of resources on the internet on how to create lively characters. Google them and see if they might help you. And realize that a prologue is your best shot at making your readers interested so they will want to read what comes next. This can be done by giving them an insight of events to follow. In your prologue nothing really happens, and I know I should be curious to find out what the gift will be, but there is not a lot of build up to that either. Make something happen! Besides that I also have a few suggestions:

Summer-Rose Xander walking through town when her phone rings. She answers it -> "... is walking"

experince -> "experience"

jewellers. -> "jewellery store"

Indigo, at home with her family. -> this sentence is missing a verb

Henrietta Says "ULRIC!" -> I think it is strange that when describing Ulric earlier from your allknowing writer's perspective you name him Ric and in the dialogue his name is Ulric. If you choose to make a differentiation, I would turn it around.

incase -> "in case"
sasy -> "says" 2x

I hope this helps.

Regards, Sesame.

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I do have to work on my descriptions.

[xansizi]

Hi. I found this very interesting. Although you introduce a lot of characters I think one of the interesting things you do is gint at theur relationships. Presumably, you will go back and fill in the gaps later. I assume this is going to touch on a lot of deeper issues around sexuality, relationships and family pressure. I thought you pointed to this very well. A little more description of character and setting will help visualize the scene better but i thought it was a good read overall.

If you get the chance coyld you please review my work? Cheers

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you. I will and it does but you will need to keep reading to find out.

[JayG]

• Summer-Rose Xander walking through town when her phone rings. She answers it and says "Hey. Have you heard anything yet?"

This, as is all the writing from here on, is a direct transcription of you telling the story aloud. The problem is that only you can hear the warmth and emotion in the voice speaking the words. The reader has not a clue of HOW to read a given line because they don't know what it will say until after reading it. And then, it's too late to place emotion into the words. Have your computer read this aloud to you and you'll hear the problem. Better yet, have a friend, who has no acting talent or knowledge of the story read it aloud. It can be a very humbling experience, though.

Worse than the missing voice, the reader can't see your expressive face, or see the gestures you visually punctuate with because storytelling is a performance skill and none of that performance makes it to the page.

And making things worse, because you start reading with the image of the scene in your mind it works, perfectly.

But for a reader? What good does it do a reader to know that someone they know nothing about, who is walking in an unknown town, asks a caller if they've heard anything yet? What have we learned? Nothing because you didn't even continue the line with, "About..." so the reader can know what's going on.

As it is, a person we know nothing about talked to another unknown about something unknown that should be celebrated for unknown reasons. Both girls appear to have reason to celebrate, but the reader has none, and to the bottom of this section never learns anything useful. Things happen, but without context. And you talk abut them as if the reader knows who the people are and what's going on. But they don't. So why would they WANT to turn to chapter two? Wouldn't it make sense to make the reader know and like the characters, and what matters to THEM?

Here's the deal: In your school days you were taught nothing about how to write fiction, only reports and essays, which are nonfiction. And because that's true, you're trying to use the skills of verbal storytelling, which cannot work on the page.

You're putting a lot into it, but because no one ever told you that scenes on the page are unlike those in film or stage you're working hard with writing skills that are inappropriate to the medium. After all, doesn't it make sense that if we want to write like a pro we need to know what the pro knows?

You're working hard on this. Doesn't it make sense that your story should be told in a way that best frames and communicates it to the reader? Your intent never makes it to the page. So the reader has only what the writing suggests to the reader, based on THEIR background, not yours.

Every profession has skills and special knowledge unique to it, as does ours. Eating out doesn't teach us to cook or care for the tools of the chef. Watching TV doesn't teach us how to use a camera, to direct, or write for TV. nor does reading teach us the skills of writing fiction for the page.

So keep writing, of course. But take the time to learn the craft of the writer. Your schooldays writing skills can only inform, but people read to be entertained, which takes different skills and approach. So visit the local library's fiction writing section and listen to the advice from successful writers, publishing pros, and noted teachers. What they have to tell you is gold. And it can give you the power to write gold.

You might benefit from poking around in my writing articles, for a feel for the various issues involved. They're written for the hopeful writer.

Sorry my news isn't better, but you're working hard, and I thought you might want to know. After all, we can't fix what we don't see as a problem. And as Mark Twain so wisely observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Pink Pastel]

Like the way you wrote it, chat style^-^

[AUU]

I love your character names.

I agree with the others in that it speeds along maybe a bit too quickly. The present tense makes for a hard read too.

I've seen you written so much so far, so it may be a bit of a chore to go back and edit it all into past tense, but it will also help you as a writer.

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you. Everything I've put up is completely unedited but it is something I will be doing at some point. I would like to put the full book up and get a general feeling of the whole story before I do. It'll give me time to put all advice and help into my other projects and hopefully improve those before I post them.

[Coffee Vampier]

Your poetry is someone I can see you have a lot of passion behind. With passion comes a lot of power and power can be hard to control. You have the potential to be an amazing writer, I am not just saying an amazing writer you aren't because you have talent.

1) It feels to rushed
2) You speed is fine but you are inviting too much at once
3) More detail about when and where this is taking place is important.

I feel you are doing great by expressing yourself which more then a few people would find hard to do. I Have often been told it takes a great writer to complete a book. Most people dont want to spend the time doing it. Great Job, Keep on keep on

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you. I know this needs a lot of editing. I'm not sure what you mean by inviting too much. Would you mind explaining a bit more?

[Coffee Vampier]

Yes. As in there are too many components at the same time. Rather being as there are too many people and conversation and not enough explanation as to way they are saying what they are saying and why it is happening. :)

[Jemma Packman]

Got it, thank you. I do tend to focus more on the dialogue than anything else but it is something that I hope I can fix when I get round to editing. It may take some time as I have some other projects I am currently working on.

[Coffee Vampier]

That's cool, I get that. I am currently working on four five books and my barbie one is not one that is formatted completely correctly or edited too well too. Mostly just something to blog about :)