Knock Knock, Mr Fox

A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger leads to a startling discovery

Once in a far off place, a young girl of 20 (which in this place was a year away from womanhood) was shopping in the market place for her brothers' dinner, when a handsome man, who she had never seen before, stopped her from going anywhere. "Hello fair maiden," said the man. "Could I interest you in coming to my mansion for lunch?"
Without thinking about it the girl said, "Yes kind sir, you can. When?"
"Today. Now!" said the man
"I have to get home to cook my brothers' lunch," she said.
"Do not fret my dear," remarked the man with a smile, "you will be back in time. Be at my mansion at 12 o'clock." After he said this he started to walk away.
The girl shouted to the man, "But I don't know where you live?"
"The one on the top of the hill south of the village," replied the man and continued to walk away.
The girl walked to her house, north of the village. When she arrived she put her basket on the table, turned and started to walk to the man's house.
When she arrived it was almost 12 so she knocked. A maid opened the door and invited her in. The man was waiting for her. They sat down to eat. When they had finished the man asked the girl to marry him. She said, "I would have to ask my brothers first."
The man got up off his knees and told the girl that she could look around but not to go in the door behind the curtain because it was locked. She did.
The girl passed the door three times. She had visited all the other rooms so she ventured to look behind the curtain. A plaque above the door said "Be bold, be bold or thou blood will run cold." The girl opened the door and as she climbed the stairs the door closed behind her. She soon came to another door which had a plaque which read "Be bold, be bold or thou blood shalt run cold." She went through and there were more stairs. The same thing happened with the door as it did before. After climbing more stairs the girl came to yet another door which also had a plaque but a different message. "Be bolder, be bolder or thou blood shalt run colder." Past this door were more stairs. The girl climbed the many stairs and came to another door which had a plaque that said, "Be boldest, be boldest or thou blood shalt run coldest." She passed through the door only to see bits of women's bodies scattered over the floor. The girl heard some one coming so she hid in a closest with the door ajar to see who it was. To her surprise it was the maid and a fox. She heard the fox say, "The girl will be next." The girl knew he meant her. The fox sniffed the air. "I smell human," it said.
"I'm sure it's just the bodies' sir," said the maid. The fox agreed and they left.
The girl cam out of the closet and took out her handkerchief and placed a hand in it. She wrapped it up and put it in her pocket. She ran down the stairs. She pulled the curtain over the door. She thanked the man for lunch then ran home to cook her brothers' lunch.
She told her brothers about her day and showed them the hand. Her eldest brother said, "Invite this man round and confront him. We will be here to help you."
The next morning in the market she met the man again. She invited him round to meet her brothers at 4 o'clock. He said he would be there.
Forgetting he didn't know where she lived the girl went home and prepared lunch.
The man arrived at 4 as planned. While eating the girl started to say something, "Last night I had a dream where you were a fox."
"Not true," said the man.
"In my dream it was true," she said and continued her story. The man continued to deny it until the girl presented the hand. The man leapt from his seat. The brothers drew their swords that they had hidden under the table and chopped the man's head off. Instead of red blood it was green. The body disintegrated.
A few days later the girl took her brothers to the mansion but it wasn't there.
Nobody to this day knows what happened to the mansion except the maid who has not been found.

Author's Note

I wrote this when I was 10 years old and would appreciate any feedback.

Reviews

[David Marsden]

The story is intriguing, I had to read it to the end again. One or two points I would like to make, firstly, try and make sentances crisper, i,e, "when a handsome man, who she had never seen before, stopped her from going anywhere."
Try: "when a hansome stranger stopped her".

Another example: "The brothers drew their swords that they had hidden under the table and chopped the man's head off. Instead of red blood it was green. The body disintegrated. "

"The brothers jumped up and drew their swords and with a mighty swish, cut off his head. Green blood spurted from his wound as his head hit the floor, rolling over with its eyes staring up at them."

See how this creates action and conjures up a gory scene in the readers mind.
The climbing the stairs and opening doors was a little overdone, but for a ten year old the whole story was fantastic. I would have been proud of this as a ten year old. Again I think this could be expanded, the story and the plot is interesting. Keep on writing.

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will be rewriting/editing this when I've got some other projects finished.

[Pink Pastel]

Okay fair maiden, on point nice______

[Mysana]

The story felt... strange. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't good in any traditional sense. And strangely enough, I've read a short story very much like this. Also, the fact that she even thought of accepting an offer for marriage after the first date was weird, and other things like that. I guess it was weird that she didn't explain her emotional response.

[Justin Robben]

Okay, so this feedback is a tad more difficult to impart.
Because, for a ten year old, it's quite good. It holds a fairy tale feel and generally follows and reads quite well.
Again, for a ten year old.

For an adult writer, there are things you'd need to spruce up. One or two excellent -points from Sesame. Too long up the stairs with the plaque. And the marriage part was unnecessary. And yes, please give us a *reason* why she needed to check after being told not to. I mean, we all know curiosity, the cat, and all that, but perhaps develop some clever reason for her to need to.
And it also seemed to move along a tad too quickly. From one thing to the next, rapid fire.
I wouldn't bloat it, or stretch it out beyond its worth, but some bits between the main parts to flesh it out might be in order, I dunno.
All in all, for a ten year old it was fantastic!

[Robert Parlange]

Not bad for a ten-year-old. It is like an old Grimm’s fairy tale. The originals were scary and gory. They were toned down over the years.
I look forward to the polished version.

[Sesame]

+ I like that you indicate immediately in the first sentence that 'in this place' other rules apply (e.g. the age for womanhood
+ Nice mistery
+ a bit gruesome for a ten-year-old to cook up I guess, but I like the horror theme
- Missing punctuation and some spelling errors
- the number of doors is a bit overdone, three should be an ideal number, the remainder do not add to your story
- the marriage proposal is a bit of a surprise and maybe also not necessary for your story (but indeed in this world other rules apply so maybe marrying someone after the first dinner is normal?)
- I miss some reasoning for why the girl would be searching the house?

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[Jemma Packman]

Thank you for the feedback. I will be rewriting this when I finish my other projects. Any other thoughts are more than welcome.