Love Kills 3: Ali's Secret Admirer

Has doing the right thing put Ali in danger

Ali sat at her desk, chewing her pen, staring at the paper in front of her, he dark eyes empty. A vision of hazel to anyone looking at her. "Ali. Ali," whispered a voice in her ear. Ali blinked, turned around and saw Mr Baxter. "Ali I need you to come to my office," he muttered.
Ali picked up her things and followed Mr Baxter out of the room. She could feel Kiefer's eyes on her as she left.
When she got to Mr Baxter's office there was a long silence. Mr Baxter played with his grey and brown goatee then said, "Ali, I've just received a phone call from the hospital." Ali stood with a questioning look on her face. Her hazel eyes begging Mr Baxter to continue. "Michelle died half an hour ago. The blood clot was putting too much pressure on her brain," concluded Mr Baxter.
Ali fell into a chair. She shook her hanging head. "You mean dead as in not alive?" she asked hoping that Mr Baxter had made a mistake. Mr Baxter nodded sadly. "What about Brad? Did that donor come through or is he dead too?" Ali asked biting her bottom lip.
"He's not dead. But I don't know about the donor. Sorry Ali," Mr Baxter replied. "Do you want to go home or see the school nurse? She would be more than happy to help."
"No," Ali said quickly and aggressively. "No thanks Mr Baxter. I'm sure I can cope for the rest of the day. But I think I will have to re-take my test though," she added as the bell went.
Mr Baxter nodded.
Ali left the office cracking her knuckles. She walked down the corridor to the hall to get her stuff. Outside the hall Ali passed Kiefer. He had he books and pens. Ali did not see notice he was there. She walked straight past him. She was in deep thought.
"Ali," said Kiefer breaking Ali's thoughts. His blue eyes shone as he was happy to see her but puzzled as to why she had ignored him.
"Huh?" grunted Ali. "Oh hi," she said sadly when she realised who it was.
"What's up?" asked Kiefer still confused as to Ali's cold attitude towards him.
As Ali was about to reply, Chet, Chad, Gary, Wyatt, Tom, Christian and Kevin came up behind them. "Hi Ali," said Tom. "You look happy today," he added sarcastically brushing back his recently dyed green and orange hair.
"Yeah so would you if you'd just found out that you've killed someone," Ali snapped.
The expression on everyone's face was turned to shock except for Christian, whose Mexican face showed anger. Gary was the first person to put his arm around Ali. Kiefer did not even try to stop him. Gary asked, "What is it? What's happened? Who's dead?"
Ali explained about Michelle. "I didn't mean for it to happen," she finished.
"We know that Ali," sympathised Chet. "We were more surprised to hear you snap than the fact you'd killed someone," he joked.
Nearly everyone laughed including Ali but excluding Christian. Wyatt interrupted the laughter by saying, "I have a question. What's happing with the cops?"
"Wyatt, you dofus! Don't you ever listen and remember things? Jees! There won't be any charges put on Ali as it was self defence," explained Chad. Then his gaze turned to Ali. His green eyes shone but were puzzled. "That's right isn't it?" he asked. Ali nodded.
"I know that really," said Wyatt embarrassed.
"Sure you did," said Kevin mocking Wyatt.
"I think she should be locked up forever and have the key thrown away," muttered Christian.
"What was that?" asked Kiefer.
"Nothing. Just talking to myself," lied Christian.
Ali studied Christian. To her, he seemed displeased about something. She couldn't help wonder what Christian had murmured.
While Ali was thinking, Christian ran off down the corridor. "Where's he going?" inquired Gary. Everyone shrugged.
They all went to their lessons. Ali was in the same class as Gary. She was sure Gary was watching her. She was bemused by Gary's earlier gesture. Why had he put his arm around her? Was it just to be friendly and understanding? But Kiefer was standing right next to her. It was so confusing.
As soon as the bell went, Ali got her stuff and ran to Mr Baxter's office. She had to wait in reception with Mr Baxter's delightful secretary, Miss Henderson. Ali had been told to sit and wait as Mr Baxter was in an important meeting and did not want to be disturbed.
Ali waited for ten minutes. During this time she had checked the content of her bag five times. Mr Baxter finally emerged from his office. He went over to Miss Henderson. He did not notice Ali. "Miss Henderson, can you send for Ali Smeedly," said Mr Baxter. Without lifting her head, Miss Henderson pointed at Ali. Ali stood. Mr Baxter escorted her into his office.
"Mr Baxter before you start, I thought you should know that I only came to ask if I could go home as I don't feel that well," said Ali.
"Ali, this is Michelle Joseph's step-mother. She wants to talk to you. I have already explained to Mrs Joseph that you are sincerely sorry about the death of her daughter," said Mr Baxter.
Ali glanced at Mrs Joseph then hung her head. "Mrs Joseph, I really didn't mean to hurt your daughter but she was going to kill me and or Gary Droid," Ali exclaimed.
"Sally," said Mrs Joseph.
"Huh?" replied Ali.
"My name's Sally and I understand why you did it. I just want to know how. I mean I know Brad Harley. No one has ever hurt him more badly than a black eye, let alone knock him out," said Sally.
Ali was confused but told Sally Joseph everything that had happened. Mr Baxter listened and his eyes widened the more he heard.
"Ali," Sally said. "I run a gym in the city. I would like you to come with me to the gym and have that punch of yours checked out. Would that be alright with you?" she asked.
"When?" Ali asked.
"Now, if possible," replied Sally.
"Well, Ali, you did want to go home, didn't you?" said Mr Baxter.
"Yeah," replied Ali. "But what do you want me for?" she asked Sally.
"To box as a sport," said Sally enthusiastically.
"No," said Ali firmly. "I don't want to fight people when I don't have to."
"Fine. If you change your mind, here's my card. Call me," said Sally handing Ali a business card.
"Ali you may be missing out on a major break," said Mr Baxter.
Ali nodded and said, "Mr Baxter can I go home or not?"
"Yes, off you go," said Mr Baxter, leaning back in his chair.
Ali walked into the reception, picked up her bag and went home.
As she walked she thought about Gary, Christian and Kiefer. Gary had been extra kind to her since the night in her bedroom. Why? She couldn't work it out. Christian. What had he said? Why did he run off? Kiefer. Why did he let Gary put his arm around her? Why hasn't he taken her out since that night? Ali couldn't answer any of these questions. A thought lingered in the back of her mind. Did she love Brad or Kiefer? It was a thought she didn't want to know the answer to just yet. To ease her mind, Ali put on her walkman, listened to the music and blocked out the world. She didn't notice Christian leaning on a signpost at the corner of the street.
As she listened to her music a song that came on made her think of Brad. She stopped the tape Brad had given Ali while they were going out. The song was their song, 3T ‘Anything'. Ali put the tape back in the walkman and continued to listen as she walked home along the buzzing streets of the Chicago suburbs.
When she arrived at her house there was a package there for her. Ali took it inside with her and placed it on the table in the living room. She took her bag up to her bedroom, dumped it on her bed and went back downstairs to open the package.
Ali sat on the couch and switched on the TV. She opened the package. Inside was a card. She opened it to see if she could work out who it was from. The card was a congratulations card. Ali opened it. She gasped as she read the message which was different words and letters cut from magazines and newspapers. The message read: "Congratulations you're a murderer. Hope you like your present." Ali dropped the card on the table and cautiously took out the polystyrene. At the bottom of the box was a wet lump of fur. Ali lifted the thing out of the box. She caught sight of it and quickly dropped it back in the box and closed the lid. Ali shuddered. She wondered who could do something like that. That sick? That twisted? Sending a blood covered cat's head with the brain out to her! What did the hanging brain mean? Was it something to do with Michelle? Ali became hot and sweaty. She found it hard to breathe. She tried to concentrate on the TV. It was the Oprah Winfrey Show. They were talking about hate mail. Ali quickly changed the channels to the cartoon network. She found Tiny Toons strangely relaxing. She began to breathe more easily and she cooled down.
When Ali had calmed down completely, she took the box and its contents and put it in the trash can down the street. As she walked past the house Brad used to live in, Ali felt a chill run down her back. The ‘For Sale' sign hung swaying in the breeze. She ran into her house, sat on the couch and watched the cartoons.
After about ten minutes the phone rang. Ali went to answer it. "Hello?" said Ali.
"Is that Ali?" the voice at the other end of the phone asked.
"Yeah. Who is it?" she asked for the second time.
"It's your secret admirer. Did you get your package?" the voice inquired.
"So you're the twisted psycho that sent it. When I find out who you are I'll beat you into a pulp!" replied Ali angrily.
"Now, now. I thought it was only fair that I sent you a thank you after you killed my sister," droned the voice sarcastically.
"I, I, I am sorry about that," Ali started to apologise. "I…"
"You didn't mean to, but she would have killed you and Gary. Wrong! She and Brad would have killed Gary and set you up. That was how it was supposed to happen. Gary only messed things up by turning up," interrupted the mysterious caller.
"But why?" asked Ali suddenly puzzled.
"Because you and Gary, your new found love, put them away," explained the caller with anger in their voice.
"I didn't. I didn't know they killed Sandy," said Ali frantically.
Just before the caller spoke again, a door opened. "Chris, I'm home," yelled a female voice. The mystery caller hung up.
Ali was left bewildered. Who was Chris? Why did he say Gary was her ‘new found love'? Was he referring to the gesture Gary had made earlier in school? How would he know about that? Questions built up in Ali's head. She began hyperventilating. She sat back on the couch and watched the cartoons.
Within an hour Ali was relaxed. She was so relaxed she fell asleep on the couch. She didn't even hear her mum's old station wagon clatter up the gravel driveway. She didn't hear her mum slam the front door.
Mrs Smeedly walked into the living room only to see Ali lying asleep on the couch. She shook Ali gently. "Ali, Ali. Wake up," Mrs Smeedly whispered.
Ali stirred. "Huh?" groaned Ali "Oh. Hi mom."
"What are you doing home young lady? Did you get suspended for fighting?"
"Not quite," said Ali unsurely although she knew it was the truth.
"What do you mean ‘not quite'?" inquired Mrs Smeedly.
Ali explained about Michelle's death. She also told her mum about Sally's offer.
"Boxing! Someone wants you to box for a living? What about your exams? What about joining the police force to be a forensic scientist or what ever?" Mrs Smeedly yelled at Ali.
"Mom, it was only an idea. Anyway Sally said I could do my exams so I could be a pathologist if I wanted to," Ali informed her mother. Ali handed Mrs Smeedly the card Sally had given her.
"I'll phone later," said Mrs Smeedly said doubtfully. "Anyway have you got any homework?" she asked.
Ali shook her head. "I'm going to be. Shout at dinner time, please, mom," she said with a slight yawn. With that Ali lifted herself off the couch and trudged upstairs saying nothing of the parcel or the phone call.
Ali moved her bag from her bed to the floor. She lay on her bed and thought about the questions that were roaming around in her mind. She soon fell asleep. She dreamt she was at school talking to Kiefer, Gary, Chet, Chad, Tom, Christian, Wyatt and Kevin. She was telling them about Sally's offer. Everyone congratulated Ali except Christian. He was scanning the halls for someone. Suddenly Sally appeared and called to Christian, "Chris. Chris, honey."
Wyatt said to Christian, "It's your mom, dude."
Christian ran to Sally. Ali woke up suddenly. "It's Christian! Sending me a dead cat! Christian's Michelle's step-brother!" Ali said alarmed.
Ali ran downstairs and opened the front door. "Ali. Ali where are you going?" shouted Mrs Smeedly.
"I'm going to see Kiefer," Ali yelled back as she ran out the door, down the drive, and up the street towards Kiefer's house.
Ali raced up the street dodging people waling home from work. Thoughts ran through her head. Would Christian hurt Kiefer? Gary? What would he do to Gary?
Ali reached Kiefer's house and knocked on the door. Mr Jones answered. "Is Kiefer in?" Ali panted.
"No. He's gone out with Gary Droid and Christian Arnold. Who are you?" Mr Jones inquired.
"Ali Smeedly," Ali said slowly, just getting her breath back.
"My son's girlfriend, right?" he asked. Ali nodded. "Kief's told us a lot about you." Mr Jones finished.
"Do you know where they went?" Ali said interrupting Mr Jones before he spoke again.
"The park," he replied. "Why?" He did not get a reply as Ali had run off in the direction of the park as quickly as possible.
When Ali reached the park she saw Gary, Kiefer and Christian playing catch. Ali composed herself and calmly strolled over to the boys.
"Hey Ali," yelled Gary. Christian and Kiefer turned around.
Kiefer ran over to Ali. "Ali, I'm sorry," he whispered. Ali looked puzzled. "Hi gorgeous. Give us a kiss," he said loud enough for Gary and Christian to hear before giving Ali a long passionate kiss. Christian looked furious and Gary looked shocked. A silence followed.
"Ali, gonna play catch or not?" inquired Gary breaking the silence.
Ali nodded. Christian shook his head and walked to a place away from Ali without saying anything. Ali left Kiefer's side and ran over to Christian. "I know it was you that sent me that sick parcel and the twisted phone call," Ali informed him coldly.
"I thought you'd figure it out after she came in and ruined it all. You're smart Ali but were you smart enough to realise I would finish what Brad and Michelle started?" he snarled pulling a small gun from his pocket. Ali took a step back and gasped. She stared into Christian's deep blue eyes. They had a horrible gleam of madness to them.
Kiefer and Gary wondered what was up and ran over to them. Christian whispered to Ali, "Lover boy's on his way."
"Which one?" said Ali sarcastically remembering Christian's earlier comments.
"Turn around and look," retorted Christian.
Ali turned around. Christian poked the gun into Ali's back.
"What's up?" asked Gary as he and Kiefer arrived by Ali's side.
"Nothing. Everything is perfect," Christian smirked. "I'm going to finish what my step-sister started!" He took the gun from Ali's back and aimed it at Gary. "Bye, Droid."
Just before Christian pulled the trigger, Ali knocked the gun out of his hand. The gun span across the grass. Gary slid and grabbed it. He held the gun and fired point blank at Christian. A bullet hit Christian in the stomach. Christian doubled over and fell on the ground. Gary got up, stood over Christian and shot him again. Christian groaned as all the life left him. Gary turned and looked at Ali. "Once apart, always together," said Gary." Ali didn't understand. Gary pointed the gun at Kiefer and fired. Ali screamed, ran and pushed Kiefer down. The bullet ripped through her skin. She held her arm. Gary dropped the gun, and started towards Ali. Kiefer leaped up and tackled Gary. They fell to the ground. Gary's hand stretched for the gun. Kiefer saw what he was doin and stamped on Gary's arm as hard as possible. Gary yelled and swung his good arm around. He hit Kiefer in the stomach. Kiefer was winded. Gary pushed him off and rolled for the gun. "No one stands in the way of mine and Ali's relationship!" shouted Gary. His green eyes full of rage. He lifted the gun and fired. Ali shrieked. She hadn't heard the shot, she just saw Kiefer's blue eyes roll up into his head and topple to the ground.
Forgetting about her arm, Ali rushed to Kiefer's dead body. "Why? Gary? Why?" she cried.
"So we could be together my love. You knew that," he replied calmly. His voice sounded strange.
"Gary, I don't love you. I loved Kiefer. I still do. I just thought we were friends. No more. Friends," Ali informed Gary.
Gary's expression changed from puzzled to angry to sad. "Then," he said, "I have nothing to live for." Gary lifted the gun to his head. "Goodbye my love. I'm sorry," Gary finished before squeezing the trigger. His body slumped into a heap on the damp, blood covered grass of the park.
Ali laid her head on Kiefer's chest and wept. Suddenly she heard the wail of police sirens. Ali got up and walked out of the park to meet them. She said who was inside and what had happened.
By this time a crowd of people had gathered around the park entrance. Ali didn't notice Chet, Chad, Wyatt, Tom and Kevin standing there. She climbed into a patrol car without looking in their direction. An officer took Ali home.
On arrival at her home, Mrs Smeedly ran out of the house to meet her. Ali walked past her, as if in a daze, and went into the house. The officer explained the situation to Mrs Smeedly.
Ali sat inside watching cartoons. Her mind was full of scenes from that horrific event. Mrs Smeedly came in after the officer had gone. She sat down beside Ali and said, "Right young lady. Pack your bags. We're leaving before you cause any more trouble." She hugged Ali.
Ali lifted her head and remarked, "Mom. This is a very weird city!"

Reviews

[David Marsden]

I agree with Jenny and another point is that there is more narative in this chapter and less dialoge. I think you still need to edit more out of the story though. I don't know if you are trying to write to a certain amount of words, for example to write for a competition, but if not just let the story roll on untill the finish regardless of length. I would edit out lots of words to make the sentences shorter and crisper. The story has lots of characters and the main ones should be brought out more so the reader can get an image in their minds of what and who they are. I know some of the character traits come through in the actions and dialogue but more could be added. I would sugest going through each paragraph and editing. I think you could probably get rid of twenty five percent of the word count and make the structure tighter and more gripping. The scenes could be more graphic also, put in more descriptive narative of the surroundings without over doing it.
The story and the plot is good and for a thirteen year old it's amazing. I don't know how old you are now but with an adult touch this story could be really brought to life. I said earlier that this chapter has much improved and I agree with everything Jenny said. So you have a great story ready for re-editing.
If you do a little research on the greatest female auther today; J K Rowling, you'll find that she re-wrote the first chapter of the Harry Potter series fifteen times. So keep on writing.

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you. I am currently rewriting this series. After almost 20years I'm hoping I can improve it.

[David Marsden]

I, m sure you can. I think when you write dialoge it's spot on. Just like two people conversing naturally, it comes across to the reader just like people speaking normally to each other. I know I've said this before but for a thirteen year old to write this is amazing. If you pick it up twenty years later you have all the elements there to carry you forward; the opening chapter, the middle and the end. Plus the strong plot line and the characters. I would suggest, if you don't already do so, is going on line and finding a character builder profile. This gives a ready made list of traits to use for creating and developing characters. All fiction writers use these or something similar. It's basically a list of traits such as; name, age, nationality, height, weight, hobbies, career, likes, sports activities, etc, etc, the list can be really comprehensive but you use as much or as little as you like. This helps you to get to know your characters and give you a reference point to go back to to check things. The more you know about your characters the more the readers will warm to them. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes to write the story, wether three days or three years.
Hope this helps and I would like to read the story some time in the future.

[Lord of mad men]

Very nice job! it ias long but i liked having something to read.but you did not have any were to stop annd pick up if a person has took look away from reading or to stop and think about what the story was saying but it was still good.

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you. I am working on a full rewrite of all three parts as they are nearly 20years old.

[Pink Pastel]

Very cool its better and more better:)keep it up...

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you.

[Jennie Baron]

Wow, murders certainly do surround Ali, eh? And now murder/suicide. The plot is getting more interesting.

You have more details about the characters and description of the action in this chapter, which is a great improvement. I have an idea, which you can take or leave, since it's your story, but have you considered making the characters a little older? That was my personal impression of them.

I suppose if you wanted to bring it up to the present day, Ali would be listening to an iPod or her phone instead of a Walkman and it would be different music! :)

One small thing I noted: When Ali says, "I'm going to be," was that supposed to mean "I'm going to my room"?

All in all, improved writing and a very imaginative plot! I like what you've done with this chapter, Jemma. And ending with "This is a very weird city!" is an understatement to say the least!

[Jemma Packman]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I have considered making them a few years older and will most definitely upgrade the technology.
Reading back over not only this but all my pieces, I have also noticed some typos which need sorting out.
Thank you again for reading. Using your advice, I am rewriting. Hopefully the end result will not disappoint.