Introduction

This explains why Rowan relocates and changes her life completely.

Introduction

Dear Journal, 

My name is Rowan Hawthorn Stevens. I am thirty four years old and a widow.

I might as well start writing in you as I try to change my life. Why am I changing my life? There are just too many hurts that come back and slap me in the face... daily. The memories that will not stop surfacing, because of familiar reminders of how and what my life once was and had.

You see, I had a wonderful mother, father, brother, husband and the excitement of soon giving birth to a baby girl. Then my mother passed away from natural causes and my father soon followed her. They were up there in age and had Shawn, my brother and me late in life. They were extraordinary parents and taught Shawn and myself, the reality of life's challenges and the mystical, unseen, things of this world too.

We were raised within the Roman Catholic church, but our mother taught us a few Scottish traditions handed down through the past generations. We lived within a world of fairy tales, folklore and harsh reality of being good people and citizens. 

Our parents met, fell in love and married when they were both in their early twenties. They wanted careers and to be established financially before having a child. My mother's career choice was to be an interior designer and she was successful. She catered to the wealthy families of the area, transforming plain rooms in their homes into beautiful atmospheres for all to enjoy and admire. 

Our father became a medical doctor, but he was different than most who were in his profession.  He really wanted to help the sick get well and many of his patients he thought of as close friends. It wasn't unusual to hear the phone ring at any hour of the day or night, at home from one of his patients or to see him get up and go to their homes when all he really wanted to do was sleep. He was a good doctor, with a quality of compassion towards others and their needs. 

When they felt they were financially able to purchase a home, have money set aside and my mother to be able to stay at home, they decided to have a child. i do not think they ever planned on having more than one child, because my mother said, six years after she had Shawn, a special, unexpected gift came along and that gift was me. (Smile)

Shawn left home, after college to build his own career in artistic, interior design and ended up owning his own successful business and I went off to college to study criminal law, got married to Mark. Mark was my best friend while in school and then the love of my life. He was the foundation of my life, my heart and my whole being. He was a lawyer too and we worked for the same firm, but in different offices.    

We wanted to do the same as my parents by owning a home and money put aside before we had a child, but things did not work out as we had planned, because we were in our apartment with demanding schedules within our work when I found out we were going to have a baby.  We were excited and began setting up a nursery in the spare bedroom. All was completed in the nursery other than a string of moons and stars which needed mounted above the baby bed.  

Memories come back to haunt me about the day Mark had finished hanging the moon and stars. We had the day off together and it was a hot July day. We stood back and admired the twirling moon and stars that he had just finished hanging and decided we would take a ride in Mark's 1965, red, Mustang, convertible and stop off to have a sandwich at a neighbouring town along the coast line. We did not want to go far, because our daughter was due any day and we did not want to be far from the hospital.

Jacksonville Beach is beautiful and the road leading to St. Augustine is very scenic. With the top down, listen to "Mustang Sally" and just enjoying the ride, was erupted by a metallic blue pickup truck driven by a nineteen year old. Even though, Mark was not speeding, but he still could not avoid the truck which was swerving into our lane at a ridiculous and careless high speed.  Mark swerved to take the ditch before the truck could hit us head on, but just before entering the ditch, the truck clipped the driver's side of the car and we started rolling end over end, across the field and smashed into a tree, right side up. The last thing I remembered was seeing that tree just before impact. Little did I know at that moment, my life would suddenly be change, forever.

Silver, water sprinklers attached to the ceiling was the first thing I saw when my eyes began to focus. Reaching to my forehead, I felt the softness of a bandage wrapped around  my entire head and glancing at my stomach I noticed it was flat. "Did I have my baby?"  Was the question within my mind as I tried to ignore the pain throbbing in my head. A friendly nurse enter the room with a huge smile beaming, surrounded by a curly head of blond hair.  

"I see you are finally awake. Good afternoon to you. Would you like something to drink?" She said, while checking a machine next to my bed. 

"Did I have my baby?"

She did not answer my question.  She only said, "I will get the doctor. He will be so happy to see you are awake." Then turned and left the room. My mouth was dry and I wondered if she would return with water for my desperately need of something to drink. She finally returned with ice water and the doctor. 

When I was told of Mark's death from the accident and our unborn daughter killed too, the pain in my heart was unbearable. I thought I would never stop crying. The reality of it all was just too unreal and I wanted to think it was all just a nightmare, but it wasn't. My crying was replaced by silence. I did not care what was happening around me. I found myself doing nothing more than just breathing. My energies could be healed in time.  I had a bad bump on my head from slamming into the windshield of the car, half of my stomach was gone due to a puncture that penetrated through our unborn daughter as well and I could never have a child again, not ever. Other than that, the doctor said I was fine and my body would heal. He forgot to tell me if my heart would ever heal. 

Shawn, took a plane from Vermont to be with me as soon as he received the news of what had happened. He thought I would never come out from the comma and I was all he had left as far as family. The doctors assured him that once I came out of the comma I would be fine. they were wrong, I was not fine. Maybe physically I was fine, but not mentally and Shawn knew it. 

Once I was released from the hospital, Shawn escorted me to my apartment and he took the guest bedroom. He was determined not to leave until he knew I was going to be okay. Several months passed and all I could do was relive the day of the accident. It kept going over and over in my thoughts and my heart broke, over and over again, to know Mark's life and our babies life was snuffed out before they really had a chance to live. I felt so bad they had left me behind and their lives had been taken. 

Shawn removed all of Mark's clothing and then dismantled the nursery after finding me in it, crying profusely. He grabbed me by the shoulders and screamed in my face, "Rowan! You have got to get past this somehow! You have to go on with your life."  I slid to the floor when he released me and I sat in silence not wanting to live. 

Shawn had been with me for ten months and I was not getting any better. The tears finally stopped flowing, to only leave me in silence and not wanting to do anything more than just breath. Shawn then got me into therapy. The therapist was a very nice, fiery red head, with a turned up nose, which held light blue glasses. Her smile was easy going, sympathetic and somewhat fake. I spent months listening to her and yet, I did not care for one thing she had to say. Deep in my heart I knew she just did not understand my way of torment. I was not feeling sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Mark and our unborn child. I did not want to live, because I wanted to be with them. It was not because I felt, I deserved to die. 

What made me want to change my life from the state it was in, was seeing all of the worry, pain and sacrifices Shawn had given towards my recovery.  He had turned his business over to someone he trusted in order to stay with me, help me and see me living once again. Because of Shawn's love and devotion, i woke up wanting to do much more than just breath. 

Shawn finally was able to return home and I was planning what I was going to do. I decided, in order to get out of my hurt and since of loss, I had to make some major changes. The first change I had to do was not go back to the law firm Mark and I had worked. There were just too many memories in each and every corner of that place. I also knew, I had to find some other type of work.   

I got out my laptop computer, logged onto the Internet and searched places where I would like to live. I was going to relocate. A little town deep within the Ozark Mountains called Eureka Springs caught me eye. It was antique looking in a little Switzerland kind of way. It had enchanting old shops lining its cobblestone walkways, thick foliage surrounding it,  tall bluffs and natural spring water sources dripping constantly. The crime rate was almost null and void and that impressed me too. What really tugged at my heart was the enchantment of that town and its Victorian flavour. I knew this was where I needed to start a whole new life for myself, so I began the process of making that move before I chickened out.

I had enough money to make the move and live well until I found a job from Mark's life insurance, my inheritance from my parents and our small savings account. The first thing I did was obtain a new car. I chose a silver PT cruiser with very low mileage and very good tires. I began packing things I wanted to take with me and the rest of the items I offered in a yard sale. I gave the items that did not sell, to a local church. I packed my car with my clothes, personal items and my computer.  I then called a moving service to store my furniture and other items until I found a place to live in Eureka Springs. 

Now... I begin my new adventure. A new life and a new beginning.    

Author's Note

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