Atta Jyacoren

Okay.
This is very well written. When I first saw it, my initial thought was 'I'm not reading all of that'. But I was soon captivated by your unique style of reading and your deep, round characters.

Let me divide it into several scenes.

The Lamb Scene.
We were thrusted straight into the action and the situation, the heroine standing up to a bitter, barren and cruel instructor. I have to say that this is a pretty stereotypical equation. Seen many times in alot of fiction. But it was pulled off marvelously. I find myself wanting to learn more about that instructor, knowing the root of his behaviour. I think he's a great character.

The Bar scene.
Great, Great, Great. The atmosphere is fantastic, the interaction with the chracters is great. I do somewhat feel like Jya went from Tispy to Hemrngrhgrg too quickly.

Mart and Kristoff
It was a bit hard for me to guess why Mart is so hostile towards Kristoff, he seems to want to distance himself from him. Perhaps that the more this story goes on, we'll learn more about Kristoff's background and understand that.

Mart and Rochalle.
Woah-- Took me by surprise. The mom hates her? Damn. That's one unlucky heroine. The Mother is written impeccably and I loved the way she acts, moves and speaks. Kept me on edge.

Jya and Kristoff.
Again, you deepen the personality of your character and build it into something that is both frustrating and likeble. I want to see her succeed, but I fear for her.

Is this a chapter? I assume it is!

Thank you kindly for the story.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Okay.
This is very well written. When I first saw it, my initial thought was 'I'm not reading all of that'. But I was soon captivated by your unique style of reading and your deep, round characters.

Let me divide it into several scenes.

The Lamb Scene.
We were thrusted straight into the action and the situation, the heroine standing up to a bitter, barren and cruel instructor. I have to say that this is a pretty stereotypical equation. Seen many times in alot of fiction. But it was pulled off marvelously. I find myself wanting to learn more about that instructor, knowing the root of his behaviour. I think he's a great character.

The Bar scene.
Great, Great, Great. The atmosphere is fantastic, the interaction with the chracters is great. I do somewhat feel like Jya went from Tispy to Hemrngrhgrg too quickly.

Mart and Kristoff
It was a bit hard for me to guess why Mart is so hostile towards Kristoff, he seems to want to distance himself from him. Perhaps that the more this story goes on, we'll learn more about Kristoff's background and understand that.

Mart and Rochalle.
Woah-- Took me by surprise. The mom hates her? Damn. That's one unlucky heroine. The Mother is written impeccably and I loved the way she acts, moves and speaks. Kept me on edge.

Jya and Kristoff.
Again, you deepen the personality of your character and build it into something that is both frustrating and likeble. I want to see her succeed, but I fear for her.

Is this a chapter? I assume it is!

Thank you kindly for the story.

Posted 8 Years Ago