Anxiety

A Story by jos1e1239

As the alarm rings in her ears, she wakes for a new day. She sits up as gracefully as a teenager can at 6:30 in the morning, and presses the button on her alarm. She squints at the streaming sunlight coming though her window. The light floods into the chamber, highlighting every brilliant colour hiding around the room. She gets up; slides her school dress on, carefully fastening up the buttons. Finding the hairbrush that had been placed on her dresser, she brushes her hair up into a simple ponytail, finishing off the look with a school ribbon. Orderlies completed, she glides to the kitchen. She hugs and kisses her parents; home is everything. It is the one place she feels safe.

After finishing her breakfast, she begins her trek to her bus stop. The fears of getting onto the bright yellow box flood back to her. ‘I can do this. It will be fine. I can do this. It will be fine’ Using just the tips of her fingers, she twirls the edge of her skirt crumpling and un-crumpling it again. Assuring herself, she jumps into the bus, taking the first empty seat she can find and slides over to the window. Plugging in, she knows that she has another full day ahead of her.

Morning bell chimes in the distance as she gets off the bus. Her first two lessons are English. Easy subjects make the morning less stressful. The noise around her escalates as the busy bustle of first period creates a mad rush for lockers and classes. The familiar questions begin, ‘What if someone bumps into me, what if I lose my books on the floor, What if someone says something to me, What if I’m asked where a classroom is, What if I make a fool of myself yet again? Her eyes dart around the room, unable to focus on just one thing.

The movement slows as the lesson begins. Ducking into the class, she slides a seat near the back of the room, hoping not to be noticed by too many people. Small smiles are exchanged between one or two peers around the room as they catch a glance of her eyes. But it is the smirks and giggles that keep her on edge. ’Head down, don’t speak. Head down, don’t speak. Head down, don’t speak.’ She recites the familiar motto to herself. She tugs on the lose strands of hair that have fallen from her up do, distracting herself from the rest of the rooms small talk. Keeping up with the work, she successfully avoids communication for the two periods. Mid sentence, the morning tea bell shocks her out of her trance. The noise in the room spirals as chairs are scraped across the floor and books are slammed shut. She quietly closes her books and picks her chair up to push it back in again. Avoiding most of the bustle she hangs back a little only to catch the teacher’s eyes.

“Hey, you did really well today!”

“Uh... uh… thanks” She stammers out shuffling her feet awkwardly. She starts to tug and twirl at the edge of her skirt, trying to sort out the mess of words that fly around her brain. Forcing herself to relax a little she says, “That essay was a bit difficult, but once I understood the topic properly, it was okay.”

“Yeah, it’s a hard one to grasp. Shakespeare was a confusing man.”

“Yes he was!” She confirms, now a little more confident with the conversation.

“Well you have a good morning tea, I am heading to the staff room.”

“Thanks, miss,” she walks out the door and heads over to her locker where she places her English books in the right place and gets out her food.

Walking over to the tree that she usually sits under, she sees that there are people there already. She has tried to make friends before, but it always ends up with her becoming an outcast to yet another group. A glimmer of hope flicks across her eyes as she sees them laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And she starts thinking to herself that just maybe this might be her chance to make some friends, but her mind thinks otherwise. Anxieties wrack her brain.

‘All I have to do is talk to them. I can do this.

Really? Can you do this?

Sure I can. A few words, that’s all it takes. Simple little words.

No, you’ll stuff up again. You’ll make a fool of yourself, just like you always do.

Maybe I won’t, it’ll be better this time. Maybe then I won’t be alone.

Like that’s going to happen, you’re going to be alone, forever.

No, I’m sure I can do it, I can get this right, I’ll make some friends and these ones will like me.

Just like the last ones, right? What’s there to like? You’re not good at anything!

Okay, I got it wrong last time, but I’m ready. I’m sure there is something worth loving about me.

Oh yeah? Name something.

Well, I suppose there’s always…. there’s always….

There’s nothing, you’re not worth their time. If you were worth something, the others would have stayed. You are just weird.

Weird is good… isn’t it?

Sure, if you’re planning on being left out forever.

But I don’t want to be left out forever. I just want to fit in.

You’re never going to fit in. You’re never going to be normal; you’re always going to be the weird one. ‘

And slowly, slowly, she begins to believe it. She turns to leave. The sun glares in her eyes so she raises her hand to shield her face. She starts to walk away, but she is stopped by a yell. She turns to see a girl from the group has jumped up and is running towards her. The girl’s hair flies in all directions and her smile lights up the airspace around her.

“Hi! My name’s Mary, my friends and I saw that you sit here alone everyday, so we thought we would come and make a new friend and give you some company. You don’t mind do you?”

“No, no, no… not at all… You guys really wanted to hang out with me?” She asks, confused. Her hand travels down to the hem of her dress but just as she goes to clutch her skirt, Mary grabs her hand and gently tugs her towards the group.

“Yeah! Come on over! They all want to meet you.” A smile crept onto her face as she shuffled over to the group sitting on the floor. The worries slowly melt and drain away.

It was at this moment that life at school was a little less stressful, and even though she didn’t talk much in the group, they all became good friends.