why jk rowling can eat my a*s:

this was written after the last harry potter book came out, and i like it, so i figured i'd just post it up here. it's a review/synopsis of said book. it was originally posted with two pictures; one of jk rowling in a bikini and one of some chick eating

ok, i'll admit that i was excited about the new Harry Potter book. i probably would have bought it if i had the money, as a matter of fact. But i didn't, and my roommate did. fortunately, he wasn't reading it, so i grabbed it and began to read, curious about how the saga that gripped the world since 1998 would end.

let me pause for a moment. remember that Harry Potter is the best selling series, pretty much ever. J.K. Rowling is the first author to become a billionaire. she has been knighted for writing harry potter. seriously.

anyway, directly previous to starting reading harry potter, i had been reading the novel for the new transformers movie. this is the most retarded book i've ever began reading. i could feel myself becoming stupid as the author, who will remain unnamed simply because i don't feel like finding the book and checking, used words big and small horribly wrong, and proved himself as mentally retarded as Stephen Hawkings just looks like he is.  i could not finish that book.  it was simply too horrible.  i thought as a refreshing change of pace, i'd try the deathly hallow's.  this did not work as planned

upon cracking open Rowling's newest novel, i expected to be stunned by her clever story, clear and crisp writing, and gripping characters. instead i was stunned by what seemed like a really long plug for her old books. the story was confused and skated over large parts of what the f**k was going on. by the time i finished, about an hour ago, i felt like i had wasted six hours of my life that i would never get back. unlike harry, who is magically not killed by a "killing spell" for the second time in his life at the end of the book, and gets a redo. oh yea, i'm about to ruin it for the three people who haven't read it yet.  trust me, my version has everything that was in Rowling's book, but it doesn't take a whole f*****g day to read:

Mad Eye Moody is killed in a really confusing fight scene in the beginning.
Bill Weasly and Fleur get married, but the wedding, predictably, is all mucked up by the minister of magic being "killed" (he comes back later out of no-f*****g-where) and a bunch of death eaters swooping down for no apparent reason, since they didn't know harry was there, and that's who they were supposed to be looking for.
harry hooks up with ginny, because he's a creepy pedophile who hooks up with his friends sisters.
harry, ron, and hermoine spend what feels like 200 pages wandering around looking for the horcruxes that voldemort put his soul into but not finding anything, or doing anything at all interesting.
eventually they find Godric Gryffindor's sword, which Snape led them to without them knowing they were being led.
oh yea, while all this is happening, dumbeldore's name is being dragged through the mud by rita skeeter, who had an appearance in another book, and, if i recollect correctly, was transfigured by hermoine and threatened that if she ever got anything printed... this threat was apparently forgotten by all involved. harry is all torn up inside because he doesn't know if dumbeldore was lying to him, because he thought dumbeldore loved him.
they rob gringotts goblin bank of the hufflepuff cup(?) which they magically knew was a horcrux. in the process, the sword is taken back by a goblin. they go back to hogwarts, because harry had a vision that voldemort had hidden the second to last horcrux there. he gets there as voldemort begins to realize that his horcrux's are being destroyed, and voldemort, in the space of ten to twenty minutes assembles an army of giants, giant spiders, and death eaters, who attack hogwarts. harry, all the while, is searching for the last horcrux, and after voldemort kills snape, harry take snape's memories (?) to the pensieve in dumbledore's office. after watching how snape wanted his mom's body, harry somehow realizes that the horcrux is in the room that pops up with whatever you need inside. he goes, but draco, crabbe, and goyle are all waiting for them inside, because they knew where to wait in the huge building (?) after fighting, crabbe accidentally kills himself while trying to kill everyone else, and they barely grab the horcrux as they get out of the room, after saving draco and goyle.
so harry goes into the forest, is avada kevandra-ed by voldemort, has a conversation with dumbledore in a heaven(?) type place (i think). in the corner is a kid who got fucked up, who is apparently a representation of voldemort's soul.
he comes back to life, plays dead while neville longbottom takes godric gryffindor's sword out of his a*s (since the goblin had it when he left the book) and kills voldemort's snake.
harry has a chat with voldemort that explains roughly next to nothing, then his expelliarmus charm makes voldemort's killing curse bounce back and kill him. 19 years later, we find that harry has been frequently banging his best friend's little sister, because he now has 2 or three kids, all named after people who had died. basically, a completely unsatisfying ending to a long, basically pointless book. and i don't even feel like explaining the completely pointless "deathly hallows" which is the name for three instruments (a rock, invisibility cloak, and dumbledore's wand) which constitute a completely irrelavent subplot.

if some parts of the above synopsis didn't quite make sense to you, this is because this book was nonsensical.  it is an extremely dissapointing ending to an otherwise extremely enjoyable series.

i beg of you, Lady Rowling, tell us it was just a jk and write a fitting ending to your books.

Author's Note

this is clearly a review/synopsis of said book. it was originally posted with two pictures; one of jk rowling in a bikini and one of some chick eating some guys ass. please keep these images in mind while reading/reviewing : ]