Reminiscing of a Once-Starry Night

Here is the first short story I've ever written, so please, critique would greatly be appreciated.

Logan lay in the grass field on his back next to Sarah. He stared up at the stars observing each tiny diamond sparkle as they lit up the black abyss. As each light flickered, in his head, Logan could hear a tiny bell make the faintest of tintinnabulations, an almost heavenly glow to the sounds in his head. There were fewer chimes this year. They had been growing dimer and dimer every year he came out to the fields. Now, he could only make out five or six definite stars, and maybe a couple of fainter ones. He couldn’t tell if those were merely an illusion in his subconscious, forcing him to reminisce about the stars that previously painted the sky, or if they were just there, moving ever so far away from him. It was as if they were trying to shout at him but all he could hear was their tiny whisper of a chime, barely able to catch his attention. He moved his gaze away from those ones because they were starting to multiply in his head, creating false images of what might not even be there. He remembered when he could see the shooting stars in the sky when he was a child. He would imagine himself riding on their magnificent backs like a giant dragon in the sky swimming through the black waters with no particular destination in mind other than tomorrow. He tried desperately to search once again for the intimation of his old friend, the dragon, and spotted the faintest of movements in the black blanket covering his world like a tiny flea moving on perfectly-bleached, white bedding. He squinted his eyes to get a better look at his returning comrade only to notice two red eyes floating next to the dragon. It was not his friend but a serpent’s deceitful, red eyes. Logan watched disappointedly as the colubrine lights passed through the air, roaring every step of the way.

Logan started to cough and Sarah glanced over and soothed him by rubbing his back as Logan abruptly sat up. Sarah slowly edged herself closer to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he calmed down. She gazed in his eyes and smiled. He smiled back. Her smile turned into a worried stare. Logan’s eyes weren’t the same as they were the last time they came to this spot. Every year at this specific day they would sit on the same hill on the same open plot and gaze at the stars. Not a single word would be spoken nor would it need to be. They each knew what each other was thinking in their sort of mutual telepathy. Sarah would always stare into his eyes and see the flickering lights in the sky reflected on the wet surface, her own enchanted mirrors. But for the last few years or so (she could hardly remember now) the lights have disappeared from within.  Her mirrors were losing their shine, forming opaqueness like that of a rusty, water-stained mirror one would find in a public restroom in one of the newly-opened fast-food restaurants.

Logan started to become uncomfortable. He glanced back up to the heavens, hoping something would have changed in his scenery but nothing had. He could see the sinister glow from behind the mountains, tricking him to thinking that the sun would rise any moment now; but he knew no sun was coming.

Sarah too glanced away from Logan and looked off into the distance where they parked their car. It was an old car with chipping white paint and the rust from within was seeping through to the surface. It reminded her of the first time she had discovered this hill. She had just learned how to drive and had a big fight with her mother about something that seemed so trivial to her now. She simply got into her car and drove. She didn’t know where she wanted to go but one thing steered her course. She followed the brightest star she could find. It was the North Star; and, like an explorer searching for the new land, she set adrift and sought her sanctuary, tears streaming down her cheeks mile after mile. Each tear drop that left her eyes glimmered as if she was producing tiny threads of silk with every stream. When she finally could go no further without abandoning her trusted compass in the sky, she parked and got out of her car. Sarah climbed the steep incline and at the apex found a boy her age laying there. At first she wanted to turn back, but then as she saw his face gazing up at the sky in awe, she edged closer. Logan heard the sound of footsteps through the grass and sprung up. To his surprise, a beautiful girl was standing before him watching him like he was watching the stars. He glanced back up to the largest star he found in the sky and almost chuckled to himself as it seemed to wink back at him. Sarah sat beside him and they both did not speak a word, nor did they need to. She knew everything and so did he.

As Sarah now sat there thinking back to that night, Logan was remembering the same night as well. He turned his face slightly away from Sarah as a tear rolled down his cheek and fell in the grass. Sarah didn’t notice it, yet she probably would not have even if she did look at him, for no light reflected off of it. It was a secret to the universe that only Logan and the grass that it nourished knew of.

“Sarah,” Logan managed to choke out of his dry throat.

“Yes, Logan?” Sarah replied after a long pause. She stared at her wedding ring which looked worn and dull now.

“Tell me an event. Something of the smallest probability of occurring. Something neither you nor I would ever fathom to be happening this very moment.”

Sarah thought carefully. She paused for a long time. Logan waited.

“We are meeting for the first time,” Sarah narrated, “and there is no moon out. Only the stars lighting up the sky: millions and millions of them.”

There was another long pause as Sarah waited for Logan to say something so that she knew he was still there lying next to him.

“Somewhere out there in this infinite universe,” Logan whispered, yet it seemed the loudest noise that Sarah could hear, “there we are: meeting each other for the first time. The stars are in the sky and we are the only existing people in the world. It’s happening out there somewhere, you know.”

For a brief amount of time, the sky lit up like the first night they were out there together staring at the sky. There wasn’t a single cloud in sight and millions if not billions of stars covered the black canvas, creating the images that the ancients used to stare at thousands of years before them. A couple of shooting stars streamed across the heavenly display. A large chime bell filled the air playing angelic melodies as each star harmonized with the other creating music that Mozart himself would bow down to. Both of them smiled as they gazed upwards. Not even looking at each other, they both knew the sight that was before them. It was dead silent. Logan reached and grasped Sarah’s hand tight in his own, caressing every wrinkle that was left on her old skin.

Logan then relapsed into his coughing fit, wheezing and choking on the stale air from his lungs, pulling them both out of their mirage. They looked up once again and watched the five or six stars ringing softly in the sky.

Author's Note

Please can someone tell me what they think of my writing style because I'm still new to this, but I want to try to become better.

Reviews

[MoriartyMesa]

I enjoyed this, nothing was forced, everything came natural. And to prove how much I liked it I have forwarded it to the bulk of my list (those who take em) My advice, don't write for anyone but you, and in the words of the Great Dean Martin.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv9PSkNkUfs


another words, like love and kisses, memories of your work are made of moments of chance, so roll the dice.


Keep writing.............

[dklp88]

I liked the style, and your use of words flowed very well. It wasn't forced, nor did it confuse me. You're descriptions were good as well.
However, my problem with the story in overall is the progression of it. The story seems to hinge upon one scene in particular. While there is nothing wrong with that, I do it all the time, the actual scene you chose just felt a little unfulfilling, and didn't have a sense of closure. If you weren't looking for a sense of closure, I still don't feel the piece ended in such a way to invoke the idea of lack of closure.
And I'm sorry if it seems as if I dwelled on your negatives more than your positives, because it was a lovely piece. Don't get me wrong. But you're so close to being there, that if you can improve on the few points that I've mentioned, your writings can become fantastic.

[MOON]

Lovely write , full of life.

[Kuhr Gred]

:) i can't comment due to amaze in this story ;)