Thank-You Notes

I know this might make me sound insensitive--

but I would like to express my belief that

thank-you notes

are overrated.

 

My mother told me

she once gave someone a gift

for a wedding, or a Bar Mitzvah, or something--

and she never received a thank-you note.

Since then, she has refused to buy anything more

for those people, no doubt thinking that

if they are unwilling to express their appreciation,

they are not worth rewarding.

 

It does not take a rocket scientist to know that

just because a person does not take the time to

write down their gratitude

does not mean that they feel no gratitude--

and it is easy to realize that

each person has his or her own unique way

of conveying this feeling.

And yet, people still feel that

there must be

an official, uniform statement of thanks

for every gift that is given.

 

Enter the thank-you note.

It has a noble goal:

to encourage people to thank each other.

Yet it has merely become

a rigid, formulaic,

static way of doing so--

and has even begun to whittle away at

our freedom of expression.

It presents itself as a blank slate,

an empty piece of stationery

just waiting to be filled

with thanks.

But when you think about it,

the thank-you note forces you,

just by existing the way it does, to

1) directly address the person

using the generic, clichéd salutation

“Dear [So-and-So]”;

2) write down your thanks,

however mechanically;

3) name the item or items

you are thanking them for;

and,

worst of all,

it strongly encourages you to

4) write a paragraph

about how much you enjoy the gift.

 

This paragraph is its fatal flaw:

although there are times when

the specific usefulness of a particular object

can naturally be elaborated on,

it seems that in the case of most gifts--

simpler gifts,

which are often the best kind--

a simple, “Thank you for [whatever],”

should suffice.

But when you reach the point in your thank-you note

when you have nothing more to say

about the object itself,

you will feel you must keep writing

until you fill up the card--

because we are all taught to believe that

a thank-you note filled with writing

looks so much better

than a thank-you note with just one or two sentences.

And so, in your attempt to arbitrarily fill the card,

you may begin blindly cranking out sentences--

sentences that have something to do with the gift,

or with the person you are writing to,

but that are ultimately written

just for the sake of saying something

and not for the sake

of saying

what you truly want to say.

 

This is how the thank-you note works:

It encourages people to express specific feelings

in a manner that will inevitably

seem forced,

as they are no longer free to choose

their preferred medium,

their own way of communicating gratitude.

Now, don’t get me wrong;

I’m not saying that thanking someone for a gift

is a bad idea;

I am merely saying that

the precise method of doing so

should not matter.

A handwritten thank-you note,

an e-mail or text thanking the person,

a quick “Thank you” told directly to their face

or over the phone,

are all expressions of gratitude

and should be equally acceptable.

 

But here’s the thing:

When someone hands you a gift,

it is only natural to thank them.

If you open it while they are around,

it may be appropriate to thank them again.

But is a third thank-you,

in writing,

simply for the sake of an “official” statement,

really necessary?

So, perhaps the thank-you note was intended

mainly for those other occasions,

when you did not have the opportunity to

thank the person

directly.

Perhaps its true purpose is to

make thanking them easier--

to eliminate the hindrances of

distance between people,

inconveniences in trying to reach someone,

and time going by

before seeing them again.

 

Which makes me wonder:

Suppose someone gave you a gift,

and you decided to wait

until the next time you saw them

to thank them.

And suppose you didn’t see them for

another month,

or two.

How would they feel

when you randomly thanked them for

the gift they gave you

all that time ago?

My mother tried to convince me that

it would be rude to wait that long,

and to simply thank them extemporaneously

as soon as it is convenient

rather than putting in the extra effort.

And yet,

I am inclined to believe that

they would be touched

by your mention of the gift,

however spontaneous,

however random--

because it shows that

you remembered the gift,

and remembered that they gave it to you,

even after all this time.

 

And so,

if you send me a gift

and I do not send you a thank-you note,

please do not take it personally,

or assume that I do not

appreciate the gift

and the thought behind it--

because perhaps I am merely waiting

until the next time I see you,

so that I can say

“Thank you”

directly to your face.

Reviews

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Obviously you feel strongly about this certain topic.
In a way I see where you are coming from.
This is a very deep very insightful piece.
Yes everyone has different ways of saying thank you.
Some people aren't very good at writing letters.
For some people they express themselves better in person, by talking rather than writing.
As you said doesn't mean someone is not greatful, just because they don't send out a letter, everytime they are grateful for something. Other wise there would be an awful load of letters.
Although a long letter expressing gratitude means allot more than a simple thank you.
Shouldn't be expected all the time though.
Great piece. Really eye opening, brilliant subject.
Thank you for sharing your views with me :)

[Northern Woman]

Wow. This is a really deep poem. You've wrtten a deeper poem on thank-you notes, then most poets can write on love or passion. Well done! Thank you notes have always made me feel a little uneasy and I've always been a bit awkward with them. I've always felt grateful, but didn't know how to express it. This is truly a lesson teaching poem. Thank you for sharing your wisdom on such matters :)