Insight to Suicide

When everything falls apart, what's the next step?

 'Wouldn't it be nice, to never be alone in this wasted life?' - Cartel

 

        Everything seemed to be going downhill.

        “Everything will get better,” everyone seemed to be telling me. Oh, of course it would cause life is wonderful and just right? Why did everyone else suddenly become so wise when life took a downward spiral? I don't really mean that of course, that's just what everyone acts like. Especially therapists. Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you have the right to tell everyone what they're thinking. It makes me mad when they try to tell you what to do too. I t really irritates me when some stranger tells me how to run my life. Especially if you haven't been through what I have. I know that's the line everyone uses, but still you haven't heard my story. You may be thinking, “There's no story, you just some emo f**k who complains about everything! Just suck it up and deal with it!” Call me whatever you wish, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure it never matters to anyone who's willing to take their own life. If it's because you like to be proven wrong, you're amused by this, or you simply want to know; go ahead and read my story.

        I'm 17, and everything started shattering about three years ago. Age 14: Came to the brutal realization that my parents have always hated me. That was a pretty big hurdle for me, I mean I still haven't got over it. Who does? Who likes coming home to two people who hate your guts, who wish you'd get killed in some dramatic fashion so they could stop financing your existence, and they could get press exposure. I know that's what they want. They don't want to protect me with it, they just want to reap the benefits of the life insurance. Not exactly the warmest thing you'd like to come home to everyday. Some people are like broken condom babies, or just some, “wasn't supposed to be possible but was born anyway” type of baby. I was different, I don't really know the details of my origin but I think I have a pretty good idea. I have started thinking I was something like a failed abortion baby. Like they didn't want me, but for some reason the abortion couldn't take me out of this world. Like I was born to make everyone miserable, or at least, that's how my parents act. Moving on to age 15: Family starting dying off. Not all of my family hates me like my parents do, everyone in the family knows how my parents feel, but it's never discussed. Pretty much all of my family loved me, but in that year: one of my grandma's (mom's mom,) aunt, and my Dad's brother died. I was fairly close to my parents siblings, but my grandma and I were really close. I took a huge hit that year, and started question a lot of things in my life. Needless to say, religion was totally out of my life at that point.

 

        Last year, age 16: more family members die, and my best friend and I get into a life altering fight and never talk again. Not everyone that year was really close to me, but needless to say, going to another four funerals wasn't something anyone would want to do. My best friend was the closest person to me, and I had known him since we were really little. Then out of nowhere, we just started fighting. I've been so worn down and depressed, I can't honestly remember the reason we fought and ended our friendship. It really broke me down. I mean, if the funerals didn't do it, this was the breaking point. You probably figured I'd die there, but I'm still telling this right? This year: parents hatred is put out on the floor everyday, pet of ten years dies, and girlfriend of a year and a half dumps me.. Yeah, the coming home to a hostile environment was one thing, but this year made me think I had it good back then. My parents tell me they hate me, I'm worthless, they don't see why the family cares about me, etc everyday. I've already gotten things thrown at me, for doing nothing, and the school year has just started. Yeah, beginning of Fall, and s***s being whipped at my head. 'Don't worry,' I wanted to tell them, 'I'll take care of it.' Then Lulu, our German Shepard mix passed away. My parents kinda liked her, but I had a real deep connection to this animal. Just like that, she died. Yeah, that cut was really deep. As for my girlfriend, I really don't know what happened. She went on this whole rant about how it was my fault, and I was apparently doing something wrong. I pretty much figured she was just getting tired with me and was already scoping out some other guy. It cut me too, but not as deep as losing Lulu. Unfortunately, this really isn't where my story begins, this is just my back story. I thought this was essential to tell for obvious reasons. Oh, and so you would think a little bit longer before you call me an, “emo f**k.”

 

 

 

        That was past, so lets move to the present. I may sound mad, but I'm really depressed. The school year, like I said, just started and the way my thoughts are going I know I'm not gonna make it through. What's to look forward to when pretty much everyone you cared about in your family dies, you lose your best friend, and your parents want you to die? Nothing, so what's the point of living? I guess that's up to you to draw you're own conclusion, but for me it's a crystal clear, “nothing.” Everyone keeps telling me, “Oh things will get better!” I love how easy it is to say that, when everything is flowing smoothly in your life. Say what you will, but you don't really know. I mean it's not like I want to keep everything to myself, but know one really wants to know and if they did I couldn't tell them everything. It's too much to tell, no one has the time and will to listen to me for that long.

 

 

        Today was just a normal day of school. Leave in the morning, drive there, exist there. It was a pretty simple routine, but the few friends left were getting annoying. You pretty much know where I'm headed, and taking that into consideration, there's one thing that I never understood. Why do people get pissed at you when you're in a bad mood? You don't necessarily have to be pissed off, you could be sad or whatnot. What makes it okay to get mad at the person who feels like that? I never understood why a bad/down mood that was unintentionally transferred gets people mad and in your business. With that said, you can understand exactly what they are doing. Acting irritated and surrounding me with questions like, “What's wrong?” That question was so...generic. The only way you could really tell if someone really cared when they asked that question was by knowing them very well, or their body language. Other questions like, “Why are you acting like this?” or a very clever variation on the first question, “Seriously, would you just tell me what's wrong?” That may have come off a little more sincere, but it wasn't, I knew that and any intelligent onlooker knew that.

 

Silence.

 

 

 

I move past them to continue with my day. Mean/emo you might say? They don't care about me, you know that as well as I do. Plus I don't have to deal with them till after school, now and then is the only time I have to see them. School went by as it always does at the beginning of the year, deceivingly easy. I don't have to put forth much effort, nobody does. One week in, and your reviewing what you did at the beginning of the year, last year. I should be grateful, I've already been in one situation similar to this one before, so I guess I should be thanking whatever force made it this way. School continued as such for about a week, but I constantly thought about ways to end it, and how things would go down.

 

 

 

Pill overdose. No it usually doesn't work from what I've read.

 

 

 

Hanging. It maybe suicide but I still get a choice. There's no need for explanation really. I mean I wasn't a masochist, I just wanted to die.

 

 

 

Cutting vital places, and bleeding out. Pretty much the same downfall of the last one. No thanks, it was pretty much too stereotypical as well. It went along like this for the first half to the week. Things like jumping off bridges, toaster in the bathtub, and other stuff like that. They all produced the pain thing, you know, the thing that I wanted to avoid. I was pretty apathetic about life, and even dying. Still though, I just wanted to pass out of this world, quick and simple. I didn't want the attention that everyone else did, and I didn't want the press coverage my parents did. Then, on Thursday, it finally came to me.

 

 

 

Bullet to the head.

 

 

It was so fast, and simple I was almost b***h-slapping myself for not thinking of it earlier. I came up with a great plan too. Stand on the bridge, shoot myself, and my body drifts away and decays. Nobody finds me, nobody cares, and everyone gets what they want. I die, my parents get the press coverage that they want. There was almost a hole in my plan though: my family. I felt bad, cause I knew that they actually cared, but I've been to enough funerals to know that everyone moves on eventually. You have to, if you have a life to live, then live it. I know death isn't something you can leap over, but still eventually you have to move on. To be able to live you life at least, I know no one really gets over a close one's death entirely. So that's what was gonna happen. Tomorrow I was gonna walk around my town and then get it over with.

 

 

 

 

        'I remember the golden days, when all this was a mystery' – The Dresden Dolls

 

 

It's not like you think. The time passed like normal. Suicide isn't something you're excited about. You won't be living anymore. Sure, it's what you want, but it's not like you're moving into a new fancy house or something. So I just went home, dodged a few things, and got cut down several times before I made it to my room. I always thought of my room as a sanctuary, and that holds true in my house. Even though my parents hate me, they don't come in here. They're probably afraid I've got a spike pit installed, or some other trap in here to kill them. The truth is that I don't hate my parents, they feel all this malice towards me, but I don't have any towards them. Honestly, I want to love my parents, but I guess my life wasn't set up to let that happen. It was weird, one might think that I'd go insane and kill them rather then kill myself. That's obviously not the case, but the insane part still holds true. I mean it's unhealthy to want to die right? Regardless of the reason(s,) you can never want that, or society will sick their therapists on you. Then if that doesn't work, they prescribe pills for you and lock you up in a nice soft room. It's weird how society works, huh? You just want to do something that doesn't affect anyone else, and people you don't even know force their way into you business and then make your life even worse. I guess people are just naturally nosy, or since we are the smartest organisms we know everything. Of course that's not true, cause people really don't want to look deep into things. They don't want to find the flaws, and they are afraid to find evidence to confirm the fact that what they're doing is wrong. I guess I think about things too deeply. Or maybe everyone else wasn't thinking deep enough. I read until I fell asleep, and had to wake up into a big routine.

        I awoke the same time I always do. If someone was to record the last part of last night, and this morning, one would think that it's a completely normal day. I got ready and I left, back into the same old, same old. At this point you may thought there's a hole in my plan. No gun. Sorry but you're wrong my friend. My Dad had a 9mm handgun, that I'm sure he was gonna use on me if I ever pissed him off enough. This really wasn't the case though, my parents wanted to hurt me lightly. They wanted to convey a message, and hope I'd leave or get killed. If neither of those things happened, they would keep putting up the front to everyone that they were good parents. That's all they cared about, themselves. Then again, when you really get down to it, that's all anyone cares about. Themselves, that's really what life is about, yourself, you shouldn't live life for someone else. In the sense that you don't care what you do, or what happens as long as they're happy. I don't mean that like you shouldn't live like the permanent, deep love type living for someone.

        School was school, that's all that can be said for it. I mean, if you've been to school, you know what that means. There's unfortunately no breaking that down, it's just something to be understood. I waited till night to start walking around. My town was small, but like everything else, it had it's beauty. The season was mid-fall, when it was just cool enough to wear a jacket, and the leaves hadn't quite started falling yet. Everything was so beautiful, I took everything in as if my mind was a camera, and engraved the images in my mind. If these were to be my last, “memories” they were a lot happier then me or anything else had been lately. I wanted to take forever to walk around, so I did. I came back around elven-fifteen. I had left at seven on the dot, so I spent over four hours walking around. Luckily, my parents were asleep, so I crept into the basement. I knew where the key was, so I opened the gun case, and took it. I left, with leaving a piece of paper with that word “goodbye” written on it. I figured I should play into some cliché, why not? I'm not going to know what peoples reactions are. So, with gun in hand I headed to our town bridge.

 

'Crash, crash baby'

 

 

        Once I got there, I stepped up on top of the bridge (the edge.) I looked at the river that gave this bridge it's purpose. It was as amazing as the rest of the fall scenery, I took it all in like a small child. I saw the current move slowly, the foggy water as mesmerizing as the water in the ocean, and just the overall nirvana it brought me. I stood there, for an unmeasurable amount of time, just taking everything in. Then the given thought of, “should I really do this?” crossed my mind. Then I thought:

 

My parents want me to die,

 

 

 

I lost the closest friend I've ever had,

 

 

 

and pretty much anything alive that I loved got systematically taken away from me.

 

 

Throwing everything into check, I pressed the gun up against the side of my head. A single tear slipped out, probably for the fear of the unknown. For I moment I thought, 'Is this the right thing to do?' Most people would say that I could just start over after I've seen all this beauty in the world. Really though, I came to the conclusion that with that question, you'd get millions of answers. So I just chose my answer,

and I pulled the trigger.

Author's Note

I got a sudden inspiration to write this. I know what you may be thinking, and read this very carefully. I am in no way as depressed as the person in my story is, as a matter of fact I am not depressed at all, and I have absolutely no intentions of committing suicide. Those words are not a cover, this is the truth. Somethings may come from my life, but this is fictional. Honestly, things aren't going perfect right now, but this funk gave me some of the inspiration to write this story. Some people say they like reading my work, so that's kind of a good thing, right? Anyways I'll tell you about the story. I left names out of the story, cause I thought they were pretty unimportant. I just wanted to get down what life can be like, and what goes through ones head leading up to suicide. The main character is a male, since I am one as well, it makes it easier to write about. Oh and if you see quotes in the middle of the story, he's not saying them, that's putting them in there as a break of sorts.

Reviews

[MadasonBlue]

Ha. I thought the dry humor (intentional or not) was great.

"...So I just went home, dodged a few things, and got cut down several times before I made it to my room..."

"... Today was just a normal day of school. Leave in the morning, drive there, exist there. It was a pretty simple routine, but the few friends left were getting annoying...... Other questions like, "Why are you acting like this?" or a very clever variation on the first question, "Seriously, would you just tell me what's wrong?" That may have come off a little more sincere, but it wasn't..."

These were my favorite parts.
Super real. Great job.

[Starting Over]

I know what suicide feels like all too well! I wish I didnt! This was great write and you did a great job of telling people about what suicide is like for most people!

[Luna]

I know how this feels, unfortunately.
Extremely well written. It provides a good insight! Great job.

-Luna

[Call me Jane]

This seems real to me Cuz i have a friend who wants to kill herself.but good write anyhow :D

[Jaeda]

That seemed extremely real. Scarily so, and good work!
Also, your cynicism is hilarious.