oak abode

i would not like to express my own opinion on my peom until iv heard yours (:

 

Oak abode

 

The maple leaves fall outside my house

In piles of gold,

 And red

Deprived of a strong wind to blow them away

I must deal with them instead.

 

As I rake the leafs into my plastic bag

Each crumbles under pressure,

Though with bewilderment,

 I notice one,

Who has kept itself together.

 

Baffled and captivated

I take the leaf indoors,

Brush off the specks of dirt

And grime,

To examine it much more.

 

Its body is a deep blood red

With hints of golden hue,

Glossy,

As an hour glass

Turned freshly anew.

 

Its meager veins so frail

 And dim,

Wrap its body tight

Although,

 Innocently small enough

They are ready for a fight.

 

Each vein births from the taut stem

Then journeys  left or right,

A decision,

 For the vein alone

With hidden plans insight.

 

 

 

Spreading to the leafs finger tips

The veins bulge with a request,

As if,

Mocking the leafs immature body,

Demanding,

 It be the best.

 

Forcing the leaf to make a choice

Between the tree

And ground,

Should it adventure out on its own?

Or stay at home safe and sound?

 

Not that it even matters,

Whatever it may choose,

Set high above or fallen below

Eventually,

It will lose.

 

 

One day,

 that leaf will deteriorate

As the edges begin to crisp,

The skin will turn a wrinkled brown

And slowly start to chip

 

 

 

With days of wisdom in its veins

It will float on a winds last breath,

Gently,

Land on a bed of leaves

And slip into a cycling death.

 

                                  J.B<3

Author's Note

this is my first rough draft, any commentary would be great. grammar issues you may spot,opinions on symbolism, suggestions,likes,disslikes.etc.

Reviews

[insanity]

I have to say I really do like this, sometimes people force themselves into rhyming and it just kills the flow of the poem but here it's used to accentuate and ultimately help bring the reader in and get them to really feel what the narrator is seeing/feeling when describing the leaf. I almost feel like the leaf is viewed as a problem in life and that since there isn't anything that will just make it poof and go away you've got to turn and face the music and deal with it. I could be a bit off in reading it that way but that's where the strong wind line lead me to.

You also show the preciousness as well as the fragility of not only human life but life in nature as well as the journey from birth to death, along the way amassing knowledge, amassing wisdom but also getting worn down by the events that happen around you, that happen to you. Eventually we all crumble and fall from our perch to join our friends on the ground where we flounder and slowly slip away to go back from whence we came. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we are born from the earth like the leaves and will go back to the earth like the leaves do as they decay.

Just a few notes:
-You mistakenly wrote leafs instead of leaves toward the beginning of the poem
-"Spreading to the leafs finger tips" I believe it should actually be leaf's instead of leafs.

Other than those two minor errors I think everything else looks great and I for one would be very interested to see the finished product since this is off to a very good start.