Thoughts on Thinking

a journal entry.

Thoughts of Thinking: Plagued by thoughts of beauty and mortality

 

Nothing is normal, except in the mind of the seer; continue life with an open mind, the power of a stranger is an amazing wonder. I have forgotten this for awhile. Striving for normalcy is not worth striving for at all. My journeys as of late have changed me. I have changed me. I loathe things that once I merely ignored and dusted off as necessary but annoying. But what is necessary? The only things that are necessary are what you make ever so. The last time I laid upon the soil of this marvel we call earth, as the leaves fell from their past homes and down to their new for their next cycle, was the last time I felt so alive. My mind since has been a seesaw. Juggling for balance or any sense of purpose that meant more than it had prior. Life is a game of spins. We take everything and spin it to work for us. We make everything what we need it to be, regardless to its original purpose upon creation. Does that take the wonder out of it? If we take something meant for betterment, and use it for a purpose of dismay; does that not kill the wonder of its existence? I have forgotten what was once important to me. But what once was important to me no longer feels relevant; the pertinence of things that used to make up my being; no longer seem so pertinent. As I transform with the world that transforms around me, I sometimes feel that I am transforming against the current. Sleep deprivation seems more logical than dreaming at times. Dreams are taunting when they are realized to be only that. When reality does not portray your dreams, life becomes a shadow of angst; angry that life is not full of what you want it to be. So why sleep, if all it does is build your dreams to outweigh your reality. Ambitions are not what I am short of I believe, but more or less a sense of know how. Wisdom comes with age and age is a scary form of measurement. It puts a time table on life. When your life has a beginning and an end marked by a number, it makes life measured. Life is not meant to be measured. If you are happy and content with who and what you are, then is that not enough? I do not believe it is. Autumn is the season of changes. It is also the season that seems to make my mind race more than any other time of the year. But autumn again is a form of measurement. It measures the year, which in turn measures your life. Seasons are relevant due to weather. Weather is the most powerful mood changer. When it is sunny it tends to bring smiles and joyous thoughts. When it is gloomy with rain and thunderstorms, it brings destruction, even if small; it tends to bring out sorrow. The sad things are the thought provokers. They make us question our existence. They make us measure our existence in accomplishments and failures. "Am I where I should be?" or "did I live a life of success?” Everything seems to measure me up. My mind is just as guilty as the days, weeks, months, and years. I think I actually measure myself more than my age measures my lifespan. Am I searching for contentment or over achievement? Am I an underachiever to society or merely to myself? Is everyone else measuring me as much as I am measuring myself? This is all self-inflicted. Life is not as hard on you as you are on yourself. None of us are so important that the rest of the world measures us as much as we like to believe they do. Not to say that we are not important in one scheme or another, but in the grand scheme of things; we are cause and effect. We do something, and it results in one thing or another. Everything we say or do has consequences appropriate to its weight. Weight is a measurement of purpose or size. So as it would seem, all my thoughts seem to bring me back to the arrival point that no matter where I look; I measure. I long for the day when my measurements no longer outweigh my effects. My causes shall define me. And then the only thing that will measure my effects will be my causes: I studied, therefore I learned; I listened, so I heard; I wrote, therefore I did. I want to measure myself no more. I am cause waiting to understand its effect; and I am a dot waiting for another which to I connect. Life is measured by all of the things which we allow to affect.

 

Sincerely

 

Me.

Reviews

[Conner G]

Ha, I enjoyed this peace. I think we all are thinking this in our lives. If you don't like where you are, change it. You are in charge of your life and you always have the power to move, change, and think. Keep writing!