I lower myself to sit upon the rusty old bench The dark gray metal is cold against my back. I gaze up at the clouds And smile. Because I know all will be well Now that I've escaped the trouble of my dull life. The sun is warm and friendly on my face, As well as the chirping birds overhead Singing their happy, cheerful tune. I run my palm against the cold, hard bench. Sharp words of chatter rise and fall Along with the soothing sounds drifting far from the speakers Nowhere near here. I let my worries melt away with the sound Like the colorful juices of the sweet ice cream. I try not to let sleep overwhelm me So I can marvel at the beautiful scenery of the park. I stretch my arms upward toward the infinite blue sky, Much like the tanned ferns reach up at the clouds beaming With opportunity.
I like the last two lines. Creates a nice image of the fern.
To offer a critique, too. I think it would be nice to have more description, more showing and less telling. For example, perhaps in "so I can marvel at the " you could describe the beautiful scene somehow, showing the beauty instead of simply saying its beautiful. Hope that is helpful!
Makes me want to go frolic in the park!
Posted 12 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
12 Years Ago
Thanks for the review. I'll take what you said into consideration...I guess you can never be TOO des.. read moreThanks for the review. I'll take what you said into consideration...I guess you can never be TOO descriptive. Thanks though :)
I like carefree poetry and this is exactly that. It captures very well those moments when we are free from concerns, fleeting as they may be for some, they are special and the imagery you used is perfect for this.
I like the last two lines. Creates a nice image of the fern.
To offer a critique, too. I think it would be nice to have more description, more showing and less telling. For example, perhaps in "so I can marvel at the " you could describe the beautiful scene somehow, showing the beauty instead of simply saying its beautiful. Hope that is helpful!
Makes me want to go frolic in the park!
Posted 12 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
12 Years Ago
Thanks for the review. I'll take what you said into consideration...I guess you can never be TOO des.. read moreThanks for the review. I'll take what you said into consideration...I guess you can never be TOO descriptive. Thanks though :)