Bongo Blackpool and Benidorm

I have known Bongo my who life simply due to him being one of my uncle Teddys friends.He is of average height jet black hair stocky he was a character everyone knew him he had the gift of the gab a del boy type laughed like a hyena but was a real pest when drunk a real pest.
We had been out and decided that we would go to Blackpool for the September weekend.We had both been there before but never together I met him on the Thursday night we had a few drinks I stayed at his house and in the morning we were off.
I was around 21 at the time and Bongo in his early thirties I had always travelled to Blackpool by car and was more than a little surprised when we arrived at the bus station.There was people everywhere a coach would pull in load up and pull out.We didn't mind we had a bag of cans we opened one each and waited our turn.
We get on the coach and sit down I was excited I was going to Blackpool and I was going with Bongo.The coach had just turned out of the station and we opened can number 2.A can of beer opening makes an unmistakable noise and I could feel people looking at us it was only around 8am.Alright Bongo a voice came from behind my seat I swear he knew everyone.It was some guys who came from an area next to ours.Bongo started blathering away then they started playing cards I wasn't in but I was happy enough there was still 4 cans each.
During the journey a female approached us and asked if she could buy a can for her husband. Normally we would have just given her one but we were out.I was just about to do the same thing Bongo tells her.The rest of the journey is going to be long.
We arrive Bongo tells me we are going to a hotel he stayed at before because the guy was sound.I was a little worried if he thinks this hotel owner is sound that really means he doesn't give a s**t I know what Bongos like with a drink.
Our taxi pulls up we are right in the centre barry I think to myself not far to crawl back.
Colin the hotel owner was at the door as we arrived hello Bongo he says he really is unforgettable.
Any rooms
Sorry Bongo we are full you should have phoned
My shoulders slump here we go door knocking carrying bags I just want to go to the pub.
Go up to Cheers it's just on the left she will take you
Thanks mate might pop in for a beer later
Ok Bongo
We walk up to Cheers it's not even a minute up the road.
Ring the bell then
You ring the bell
We both hated the initial bullshit like asking for rooms filling in forms pretending to be nice as Apple pie.We got a room it was bunk beds I wasn't caring we had a room the hotel was clean only problem was the landlady was stark raving mad.
He was very neatly putting his clothes into drawers nicely folded he always did this mine would remain in my bag for the duration of our stay.
It's not to bad he says right next to everything
Aye but she was a bit nuts
He laughs Aye
What did she mean by don't mind the dummies
What dummies
No f*****g idea she said don't mind about the dummies
F**k nose
We head out.
We are at the pleasure beach it was called noahs ark I remember going on it when I was younger there was a little waterfall coming down the side I pointed it out to Bongo.He is over the fence and doing his dance under the waterfall he would put his hands up to hear height palms out and spin around that was his dance.
Time for a pint we are walking along the promenade I turn to say something I can't believe my eyes I laugh.
What
I'm still laughing
What is it
Your f*****g green
He looks down at himself he is green all over his shirt face everything.
Straight into the first pub into the toilet to begin operation clean up I still have a photograph of him standing there in his boxers there is someone standing in the background using the urinal.
We go down for breakfast I am chocking for a pint I know he will be too she is there she tells us where to sit then says don't worry about them that's the dummies.There was about six young guys sitting having their breakfast I look over she says don't worry they can't hear you.Bongo and I had both gone over the top before many times but I couldn't believe what just happened Bongo just burst out laughing then I did.She comes to take our order we are both staring at the bar any chance of a wee pint Bongo asks.
You can have pints instead of breakfasts
It was a done deal pints instead of breakfasts any day.
Sunday morning we are walking around praying that somewhere would be open Bongo goes into a newsagent works his magic and reappears with 4 cans.We sit on some steps behind the tower next to a car park and start on the cans.A young female walks past and she tells us we are disgusting I reply that she is just jealous Bongo repeats my words but adds on f*****g slapper it is only half 9 maybe she did have a point.
The cans are ersed we start walking along the promenade
What's going on over there he points at the Foxhall bar
There is a large group of people all standing in line and going in it looks like they are having a party.There was at least 30 young guys and girls all going into the bar they were spraying silly string on each other and it looked like they were having a good old time.They were all deaf and dumb there must have been something on that weekend we look at each other f**k it we join the end of the line.I motion to the guys in front of us to give me the silly string he obliges we spray each other we are in.
It was only around 11 and we had made it into a watering hole I was delighted Bongo holds 2 fingers up and points at the tap.2 pints are placed on the bar this is magic I think to myself Bongo hands money over.
The barman returns and gives him his change
CHEERS MATE
It was like the scene from the movie the good had and ugly right at the end I looked at Bongo did he just say that the barman is looking at the 2 of us I look at the barman Bongo looks at me I look at him.
What's going to happen please don't throw us out he just turns and walks away.Your a f*****g dick
We both burst out laughing its going to be a good day.
I go to the toilet sometime later and there are 3 of them in the cubicle once again I am in disbelief the dummies are rolling a joint.
It's our last night and we are in the Jaggy Thistle bar we have both pulled but I'm wrecked last thing I remember was holding onto the bar for dear life.
I awake my head is fuzzy I can hear voices im on the top bunk there's is definitely voices.peering over the side I look down Bongo is lying there with a big grin
Alright
Aye fine you
There are 2 heads in the bed I look behind me only one head in my bed last night.Going downstairs for breakfast you have to turn right at the front door I assume Bongo is going to bid farewell to his big and we could go get out breakfast/pints.No he brings her straight into the room Mrs Marple is over in a shot.She is raising her voice at Bongo if that woman has stayed here then she is paying to stay here.
I just want my pint so I sit down and leave them to it.Money exchanges hands and we have breakfast hmmm that's better.
Ready to leave now have we forgotten anything hope I take a piss in the cupboard f*****g boot I say, the beer has me going Bongo is doing the hyena laugh.
At the bus station Bongo declares that he is having a heart attack I tell him to get on the bus but no,he is now talking to other people I can't be fucked with this.The bus driver is now involved and before long an ambulance has arrived Bongo enters.20 minutes later he reappears and we get on the bus I don't even bother asking what happened I know it's a weeks binge drinking not a heart attack.
The bus has no toilet and I have to go we are in the seats right behind the driver but I have to go I get an empty can and try to cover myself with the curtain.Bongo lets the couple sat opposite us know what I'm doing.We swap seats he does the same now we have 2 cans full of piss and nowhere to put them.I take the good cans from the plastic bag and replace them with the bad ones I wrap them the best I can.We stop at the services for a break someone makes a remark I don't know if it's piss or beer I look down the bad bag has toppled over and has been leaking its running down the stairs.
We were to meet in a bar in town after I had finished work Bongo was self employed so he was fine.I couldn't wait to finish I had been looking forward to it for a while especially after talking about it for so long.There he his yapping to the barman.
Alright Bongo
What do you want
Pint please grassyarse
We grab a seat.
I 've done it he says
Done what
Booked it I've done it already
What
We were supposed to meet have a pint go to the travel agents book the holiday then get pissed.He was more excited than me like a big kid sitting there rubbing his hands he gets the paperwork out.
Why does it say Manchester to Alicante
Because we are flying from Manchester
What
It's all they had left for Benidorm she tried everything but the only flights left were from Manchester so I just took it.
That was that then I was happy I didn't have to go in and book it I hate doing things like that I was happy I could just sit in the pub I wasn't to happy about Manchester.One new years I went to Majorca with another friend and we flew from Birmingham going there was great the train having a laugh your feeling good because your going away it's the coming back that was the problem.
We meet in the bar at Waverly station Bongo is high as a kite telling anyone who would listen that we were going to Benidorm I wasn't making eye contact with any of them I'm not with him.
There is a little hill you have to walk up to get to Hotel Monaco as it's not on a actual road.We are nearly at the main doors.
Bongo says I hope it's not all the blue rinse brigade
What the f**k is the blue rinse brigade
All the old duffers you know
I didn't know I hadn't even thought about it.In we go up to the desk I look around I nudge him.
It is the f*****g blue rinse brigade
He looks around we both start laughing.
The ground floor brilliant I couldn't have been happier no lifts or stairs to negotiate straight in turn left find the right door.
Let's go he says he hasn't even unpacked first time ever we walk outside turn right and we could see the sea.
Look at that lets go back in and put shorts on .
Shorts on we walked down to the beach and went into the first bar we saw Harleys it was called it had a biker kind of theme.There was a pool table at the back so we went for a game Bongo is good better than me although I can beat him on occasions he is good at snooker also with a high break of 88.Talking bullshit and having a laugh enjoying our game and enjoying the beer even more I'm waiting on my turn I start looking around reading all the motorbike signs on the walls then suddenly I stop.
Bongo
What
Bongo
What
There is a f*****g snake over there
Aye right
There is a f*****g snake over there
He stops looks
F*****g hell
In the corner in a large glass tank there was a snake a massive f*****g snake.
Harleys became our local our first port of call and a few times our last near the end of our holiday we weren't even paying for our drinks.It's around 4 in the morning on day 4 we are both lying in bed awake he has the dt,s I can tell.
Out in the corridor we can hear people coming in the blue rinse brigade were worse than us.Someone slams a door Bongos entire body leaves the bed I swear like he could levitate I start laughing.
It's no funny
It was he had it bad
Were you the one who trained Shakin Stevens
F**k off
Still shaking at around 11 I get him some water we sit and he drinks some 2 minutes later he is bringing it back out.
Let's go out
I can't drink
Just for a walk clear the cobwebs it might make you feel better
Ok
How can I get him in the pub I will think of something.At the end of the beach there are a couple of roads one going up a hill I suggest we walk up there.Hopefully there is a nice quiet little place up here that I can entice him in.
You have to cross the the road he takes a couple of steps I grab his shoulder and shout in his ear.I knew he would freak out and he did I was laughing he retreated back to the pavement holding his stomach.
Don't do that again
What a wreck I wasn't great either I needed a drink then gold pure gold halfway up the hill I saw a sign The Triangle Bar this was my chance.
Bongo often reffered to a females private parts as the triangle or hairy triangle.
Look Bongo the triangle bar there might be loads of women in there he didn't take much convincing.The place was empty we had 2 pints each and a toastie back on track where to next my man.
If there is a dodgy bar full of crazy people anywhere on the planet then he will find it,like a magnet he is pulled towards it this was not the first time he has found a nuthouse and taken me with him.Double doors one side locked he pushes the open one and walks in I follow.It's big bigger than it looked from outside the bars on the right there are 2 women sitting on stools at the far end talking the guy behind the bar is talking to another guy it looked serious.Something isn't right but I can't put my finger on it I'm half pissed it's dark there is a woman standing in the far corner just standing there.Pints lovely we sit down I'm not paying attention to anything just interested in the beer and talking crap.I must have blinked there are now 6 people at our table they are just there like magic.I'm sitting in the corner on the long seat I can tell the guy and girl sitting opposite me on the chairs are a couple I can't work out the others ,at this point I'm not bothered I'm drinking Bongo is doing his stand up routine and I'm chipping in with the one liners.
Billy Idols White Wedding comes on and he is up dancing away it's a good song the Bongo dance is well under way.I think the blonde sitting next to me just moved a bit closer who wants a drink I ask.
I put the tray down on the table and sit back down I take a big drink should have got a vodka as well, there was a problem a big f*****g problem the blonde which I'm now certain has moved even closer is a guy a he/she a tranny whatever you want to call it a man with tits a very ugly man with tits and I just bought it a drink.
Push the table over and run,the toilet window,just jump straight through the wall my mind is racing how am I getting out of this one it's moved closer again almost touching now.Somethings happening on the dance floor there is a women dancing with Bongo a big women a big black women he is doing all his moves she grabs his arm and starts pulling him away,I have a good look around f**k f**k f**k we are in some sort of brothel.
Come on Bango lets go behind thee curtain she is pulling him and he is resisting he slides on the floor.
Let's go behind thee curtain Bango
Naw your alright
It's a tug of war in transfixed its funny el Bango has pulled problem was so have i.He gets free and runs for the door that's all I need I'm up and right behind him Oprah is right behind me.El Bango is in the road behind a car she is on the other side.
Come back in Bango we go behind thee curtain
This is to good to be true I'm pissing myself although I do still have one eye on the door in case my floosy appears.
Come back in Bango I do it for nothing
I tell him to go back in,get to f**k was the reply.It goes on for a few minutes they do a couple of laps round a car then she gives up muttering something as she goes back in.
Why didn't you go back in Bango she was going to do it for nothing
No f*****g way not even with your dick
I thought she was nice
Get to f**k
You will sneak back when I'm sleeping won't you Bango
Will I f**k come on I need a drink
No problem Bango I come for nothing
We can't stop laughing and are talking about it in the next bar he is now Bango I can use this for years,I say nothing about my new girlfriend.