Prologue

This is the beginning to my book.

He was on his way to class, independent living, when he started to feel strange. Every hair on his body erected to full length. He stopped beneath a skylight. The morning sun shone through beating the warmth of its rays into his body.

He tilted back his head allowing the warmth beating his body to flood his face. It wasn't until a wave of malevolence washed over that he took notice to the time, 9:10 am. His eyes flashed open soon enough to have just seen a shadow pass down the hallway.

Quickly he followed the hallway in the direction he'd seen the shadow disappear. He was approaching the south stairwell without knowing if it had ascended or descended a floor. Slowly he approached the entrance to the stairwell, when a voice sang out. It was the voice of a little girl; a little girl that was sobbing uncontrollably.

Her words were so muffled he paused his movement to listen. It took only a few seconds to make out a cry for help.

"Save me," she cried. "Please hurry, I need you." At that he ran for the stairwell entrance, unsure if the "you" she meant was him or not. He didn't care, she needed help.

He entered the stairwell; air rushing past him. 'Someone must have the upper door open' he thought. A sudden cold chill slowly and eerily crept its way down his spine. His senses were on high alert as he slowly made his way to the flight of stairs leading to the level above. 

A shadow came into view, and all the air that had been moving ceased all motion. As if it could sense his presence, the air began to move around him. Slowly it lifted his feet off the floor. Eyes locked on the shadow, he noticed a slight twitch make its way down the shadow's side.

A strange energy surged through the air, taking him in its grasp, stretching to fit around him. This energy, he recognized it from somewhere; it was light, like a sea breeze, and held an essence of power. 

Falling. The feeling suddenly over took his senses. He was falling into an abyss, darkness swallowing him into its never filling stomach. 

Death. Death gripped his soul, drinking away his life, like an alcoholic puts down the beer. His life was slipping away and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He felt one last twitch of his helpless soul before darkness over powered his senses, never again to be enlightened.

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think!

Reviews

[Peaceworker22]

Here's a good question, why does he follow the shadow? What motivates him to do so?

[Jon Settle]

I realized after I wrote this that I didn't include a motivation for this so I added a reasoning for this act into the plot line. Like if I were to reveal anything about the mystery in this I would reveal many things that will be later revealed in the plot line of the story.

[Peaceworker22]

Good, now you're getting somewhere. : ) I'm glad to help anytime.

[Peaceworker22]

Wow, this definitely kept my attention. I could visualize every single detail in this story, and you just brought me into a whole new world. Good work!

[Jon Settle]

That's the whole idea!! lol

[Talismanic]

In the penprints of tragedy - hero will fall - hero has a vulnerable pre-disposition - hero makes a fatal error.
You clearly have passion and direction for this story. The last line is a silencer, we will really empathise with this guy. Keep finding your style and show it like you mean it:)
E.g. one query: 'Every hair on his body erected to full length.' I know you mean the goose-bumps, hair-raising, cold sweat, shivers, creeps etc. but the wording here isn't verry exact... and it kind of put this dragon-ball-z image in my head which really doesn't fit. Try to create a sense like, 'Static electricity. The hairs at the back of his neck stood straight, his scalp crawled....' But always up to you.
'Her words were so muffled he paused to listen.' (stay active - overwriting often weakens a sentence).
Above all, keep going... Everything's promising:)

[Jon Settle]

Thanks for the advice!! :)

[Matt Evans]

I like this, you can feel what he feels. Write some more man!

[Raef C. Boylan]

Brave move: to inform your readers that their 'hero' is going to die (or maybe not, maybe I took the last few lines too literally). However, also a great way to guarantee our full attention...

The phrase "beating the warmth of its rays" is closely followed by "the warmth beating his body" in the next paragraph, which seems slightly repetitive. Is there another way you could word one of them, or was the repetition deliberate, for emphasis?

Your simile “drinking away his life, like an alcoholic puts down the beer” strikes me as almost making sense, but not quite. “Puts down the beer” makes me think of them slamming an empty bottle down on the table or something, whereas I think here you want us to picture somebody chugging a beer like there’s no tomorrow (excuse the cliché lol) - maybe I’m wrong(?) but “drinking away his life” is written in the present progressive aspect, like it’s still going on and not finished, which then clashes with the second part. Just a hunch, but did you maybe mean “puts away” rather than “puts down”?

Other than that, I have no constructive criticism to offer. Very well-written, and I look forward to learning more about the story. Cheers for sharing this, and thanks for reading and reviewing my untitled story.

[janiksxxl]

I had the same feeling with "drinking away his life", but as he states - "He felt one last twitch of his helpless soul", it could really mean what he really wrote and it's simply fast event

[Jon Settle]

Answering your questions would give away the entire plot, so I'm not going to do that.

I do agree with the beer thing: when I wrote that I was a slight bit tired and it just made sense in my mind ya know? but I do see what you mean and I'll keep that in mind with my next edit as well as all the other feedback I've received.

[Raef C. Boylan]

What, the question about "beating" being repetitive? OK, fair enough.

[Jon Settle]

Yea, like I deliberately write things the way I do and each and everything will serve its own purpose in time.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Alright, good for you.

[Lena Rossmore]

Its extremely grabbing and bone chilling and something i would definitely read ! The only thing I would advise against is adding too many adjectives as they tend to weaken each other, but I hope to read more soon!

[Timeless-Chan]

really good:) really creepy! idk if it was me i def wouldn't go TOWARD the shadow... Not my idea of smart... but then again you wouldn't have a story if he didn't go toward the shadow right?:P I look foward to reading what happens next!

[janiksxxl]

Why would he follow that shadow? Why?
“took few seconds to make out a cry for help” - or something stating long time for me would feel a bit better. “words were so muffled” and “only a few seconds” is in opposition to each other and so close together a bit throws you back.
I wanted for it to be somehow scarier. And a description of that shadow could be good thing... Other than that – let's see what goes further.

[Jon Settle]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll keep that in mind when I do my next edit!

[Peaceworker22]

I could imagine what the shadow looked like, but to put it into words would be hard... It looked like a faceless, hooded and cloaked figure with the eyes looking like much like the character from the band Disturbed's cover, only they were a very bright blue. The color of them were like that of Kakashi's "Chidori" Ninjuitsu. I suppose you could say that's electric blue. The shadow also seemed to have these strange sort of "tentacles" I guess you could also say. The shadow's colors were black and dark blue and the tentacles flowed as if they were tongues of flame. I hope this helped to give you an idea if it wasn't too confusing.

[janiksxxl]

For me a shadow is a 3d silhouette, totally dark (not emitting dark light, but absorbing more than 75% of light coming to/through it) The silhouette is fuzzy, because it isn't a solid body, but ether and it's more like smoke, with some kind of smoky evaporation effect going on. And a 60% - 80% areas swirling around the whole body. Flowing to points he has his focus on that time. It gets visibly colder when he appear and it's movements aren't even close to natural looking because it isn't limited by rules of this world. He has no need to move at all. A person standing in front of him could feel a low slow vibration all around him in the air, most of the time in form of paranoiac unexplainable fear, hopelessness, regrets, suicidal thoughts and other related low vibration emotions up to simply collapsing unconscious. Waking up with disease like cancer, other oncological diseases, brain diseases or not waking up ever at all – some further possible options. That's shadow for me, so I wanted to have a better description what this concrete shadow is like. :D

[Jon Settle]

Thanks for the tips!!! I honestly hadn't even thought about that, but next time I edit I'll keep that in mind!! :)

[Peaceworker22]

No problem! Happy to help. : )

[afra]

amazing ....bit scary but amazing ...BTW i like scary stuff

[Jon Settle]

Thanks :)
and so do i :P

[afra]

when will you post the next ?

[Jon Settle]

Maybe within the next couple of days.
I'm going to be editing what I've got written as I post

[afra]

okay ...cant wait

[floopes]

Very creepy :p can't wait for the rest!

[Jon Settle]

I know you can't :P
you've been telling me this forever

[floopes]

Ik :p

[Jon Settle]

feel free to stop anytime :P