Kigo in Conflict with Inverse Mora

This is the first haiku I've written in years. The underlying theme is the conflict of metaphorical Kigo (inferring youth as spring and adulthood as autumn). The inversed mora was to convey the struggle depicted.

 

The little boy inside me,

longs to shed his pains.

The man I am can't face them.

 

 

Author's Note

This is the first haiku I've written in years. The underlying theme is the conflict of metaphorical kigo (inferring youth as spring and adulthood as autumn). The inversed mora (mine of 7-5-7 vs 5-7-5) is intentional and was meant to convey the struggle depicted in the poem.The .jpeg attached is the Japanese character for integration.

Reviews

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on your great inversed haiku

[Neg]

I like how you went with the 7-5-7 version of a haiku. Its like an inverse haiku. Very original, I think many people have felt like this before. Keep up the good work.

[Alejandro Espinoza]

So much said with so few words, and with an intriguing structure.

I enjoyed this very much.

[Bennett Logan]

I do like this a good deal, though I'd still argue that this is not a haiku if only because of its form. Otherwise, it's a fantastic three line poem. Everyone has felt what you're talking about here at some point or another -- the child version of me would stomp on my toe and shoot me a dirty look. When I was reading, though, I pictured (if this makes sense) a child trying to literally claw his way out of imprisonment within the adult version of himself. Though rather gorey and grotesque, I think it could make a fantastic longer poem... You wouldn't even have to mention being trapped -- just describe getting out. Or being trapped. Make it a weird science project that none of the other kids understand or appreciate. ;) I like where you're going with this, but I think you could go one more and make this idea/experience even more personal.

Otherwise, I think this is fantastic. Keep up the good work, and I'll certainly be reading more.

[jen]

this is wonderful... i have toyed with haiku but feel that this is a very successful one more so with the accompanying description you offer regarding it's structure..

and mostly because it conveys what i believe we all struggle with... really nicely done

[Kristin Mast]

I am familiar with Haiku, but have never written one. That being said, I think that the underlying meaning of your poem was communicated very effectively. I just read that rules of writing were made for exceptions. I think it is great that you took a different road with the Haiku and to me, the meaning was clear. I think that this is a universal struggle and it was simply and beautifully expressed in your poem.

[Legion]

First note, this isn't a haiku. A haiku form is 5-7-5. You have a 7-5-7 scheme. Now, that being said, the message of this is perfectly spot on. I enjoyed the thought of this immensely (as sad as it may be). Kudos.

[Helena]

How brilliant was this Jon. Very original the way you went with the 7 - 5 - 7 metrical phrases,
as opposed to the more standard Haiku of 5 - 7 - 5. I am a great believer in not always following
structural norms, besides Basho and his contemporaries had their own style. Good job indeed!

Helena