Die Plankton - a play for radio - 1/3

Die Plankton is play in the form of a radio documentary about a German "nu-Krautrock" band trying to make it in the UK. Only things aren't all that they seem...

Characters

Karl �" Band member, speaks in a contrived German accent and broken English.

Heinrich �" Band member, speaks in a contrived German accent and broken English, seems constantly amused. 

Seb Freelander �" Documentary maker, confident, early-20s. Home Counties accent. Narrator

Neil �" Music Promoter, old stoner, Leeds accent.

Sound Engineer �" Midlands accent, quite disjointed and nervous in his speech.

Alan �" old drug-wreck, very slurred speech, bordering on incoherent.

Adam �" Friend of Karl and Heinrich, cocky Manc.

“Helga” �" Girlfriend of Karl, seems annoyed by Die Plankton’s existence.

Scene: Interview clip

 

Seb:                      What do you play?

Heinrich:             I play the Krautrock, the nu-Krautrock, the krautrock-fusion.

Seb:                      I meant the instruments, what instruments do you play?

Karl:                      (Interrupting) Perhaps you are learning to give clarity with your questionings.

Heinrich:             Next question!

Seb:                      Er, okay, erm, what instruments do you play?

Heinrich:             I say next question!

 

Short musical interlude

 

Narrator:             For the past three months I have been following the Leeds-based nu-Krautrock pioneers Die Plankton. Originally from Hamburg, members Karl and Heinrich met fortuitously and formed one of the most innovative and important bands to hit the West Leeds music scene. With Germany’s history of great music: Das Kontemptables, Kraftwerk, Mooglefruckers and David Hassellhoff, it is of little wonder that they are one of the most exciting and unpredictable bands around. The Evening Post has described their music "an assault on all the senses, including common." The Guardian has said that ‘Die Plankton don't have "songs" as such - they use and subvert song forms within the context of an expressive whole.’ And Metro declared them to be ‘Enigmatic Nihilists’. So who, what, why, where, and when, and how are Die Plankton... I’m Seb Freelander, and that’s what I’m about to find out.

-

Scene: Interview

Seb:                      Okay, would you like to introduce yourselves.

Heinrich:             We are Die Plankton, what more is there to know?

Seb:                      So, you are both from Hamburg, how did you meet?

Heinrich:             Well originally, yes. We did not meet in our mother’s land. We met after another failed Jewish singles’ night in Brighouse. Karl and I were waiting for a bus stop.

Karl:                      I saw Heinrich wearing his patented ‘Neu! 3:16’ t-shirt and realised we shared a love of Krautrock and wrestling.

Heinrich:             We had wrestle for a short time,

Karl:                      I took a pretty bad bump to my face. It look like I had been fell from a ledge.

Heinrich:              and we went our way home, with Karl stained with grass and blood and bits of ground. It was only a month or so, and we meet again. By accident you must understand. There was no homosexual attraction, I must be clear.

Seb:                      Are you both still single?

Heinrich:             Of course, we are both in love with Die Plankto, That is our muse and our plaything.

Karl:                      Faust play a show at the Leeds Irish Centre and Heinrich was there talking to a bald man about public transport. He was very fat.  

Seb:                      I didn’t realise they were still going. How was it?

Heinrich:             It was okay, you know. He seem very against building tram system in Leeds. I tried to convince, but he was stubborn, like soldier, or perhaps an animal that is recognised for its stubborn character.

Karl:                      A donkey, perhaps?

Heinrich:             Maybe an a*s?

Karl:                      Maybe you the a*s.

Heinrich:             Maybe you the a*s, more like.     

Seb:                      (Exasperated) No, no, I mean, how was the show, how was Faust?

Karl:                      Your questions are misleading; I think that he is trying to trip our feet.

Heinrich:             You ask to provide judgement of infrastructure ignoramus, but then you “flip flip flip”, change channel like a restless child.      

Seb:                      Geez... Look, I think we’ve got our wires crossed here. Can you please just tell me how the show was.

Karl:                      You seem to be flustering yourself. If is just a small misunderstand. England is not our mothers’ tongue, you must forgive ourselves if we offend.

Heinrich:             You must understand that anger is not good for you. We can help you. Perhaps you could take stroll, perform breathing exercises, or take bubble bath and  listen to some relaxation music.

Karl:                      Enigma or Enya, I could lend you, it is not a problem.

Heinrich:             Whale sounds will also relax, or pan-pipe version of popular music. You should consider perhaps anger management therapy.

Karl:                      Or a hypnotist.

Heinrich:             Perhaps hypnotist will make you act like chicken. “Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep”.

Karl:                      But not angry chicken, that is the last thing he need,

Heinrich:             I think if he was angry chicken he would try peck our face.

Karl:                      His nose does look like a beak; that would make sense, ha ha ha! He look very cross, perhaps he will peck our face in one moment!

Seb:                      (Sighing and retaining compusure) I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work, can you stop avoiding the question.

Heinrich:             Sorry, which question you mean?

Seb:                      Forget it.

Karl:                      All we do is try help. Your anger management issue is perhaps most pressing, and you are send negative vibe to us.       

Seb:                      Alright, let’s move on.

 

(End of Scene)

 

Narrator:             Tonight is Die Plankton’s first show in six months. They are third headline for an experimental music night at the Cardigan Arms in the city. I spoke to the promoter, Neil, whilst the band were setting up.

 

Scene: Interview

Seb:                      This is quite the event you got going on tonight.

Neil:                      Tuesdays are usually pretty dead in here, so putting on a few, ahem, ‘niche’ bands fills up the place a bit. Trouble is that niche bands tend to attract a niche audience.

Seb:                      Niche audience?

Neil:                      (Long pause) The mentals.

Seb:                      Is that another band?

Neil:                      No mate, most of their fans are like old drug-wrecks or druggie students.

Seb:                      Sounds like they should have a ‘nut allergy’ warning on the posters.

Neil:                      I mean, yeah, we sell peanuts, I suppose.

Seb:                      No, as in ‘may contain nuts’.

Neil:                      Oh yeah, I get it. That’s pretty funny. Yeah, y’should write jokes for someone, not for someone funny, mind, but I dunno, I’m sure it’d work on Radio 4 or something.

Seb:                      Oh, well, thanks.

Neil:                      (Bluntly) That wasn’t a compliment.

Seb:                      Oh, okay...

Neil:                      Ahh, ignore me, I’m just ribbin’ you mate. Shoot.

Seb:                      Right, erm, have you dealt with Die Plankton before?

Neil:                      Yeah, I think, I dunno, sometime last year. They’ve got a bit of a following. Not my cup of tea, mind. Can’t be doing with all that noise and stupidity. They’re on first, so it shouldn’t be too bad.  

 

Scene: Sound Check

[A clip of discordant noise plays for a few moments, there is a sudden pop which sounds like some equipment breaking followed by a fading static hiss.]

Karl:                      Perfect, that sounds great. What now?

Sound guy:         (shouting]: Can we try and get a level on the bowl?

[A noise of a metal meditation bowl ringing can be heard]

 

Narrator:              With Die Plankton’s range of weird and wonderful instruments, sound checks can be a nightmare for the inexperienced engineer. I caught up with the sound guy before everything kicked off and asked him about working with such interesting musicians.

 

Scene: Interview

Seb:                      Can you talk about some of the difficulties or challenges you’ve had working with Die Plankton?

Sound guy:         Nah, it’s sound. I did, like, four maybe, like, seven shows. Just set ‘em up and sit back. All their stuff just goes through a loop pedal. They’re into feedback, like, so I don’t have to do owt. Get ‘em plugged in, check the levels, and then get a beer. Sorted.

Seb:                      I thought with their range of instruments and sounds that you might have difficulty. It’s not your usual set up is it?

Sound guy:         You’re over-thinking it, man. It’s, like, I dunno, you put on an average dog metal band, you got, what, like, couple of guitars, bass, you know? Drum kit with a dozen mics. Each one of them’s gotta balance with each sound. These guys got just one output that goes straight into the mixer. It’s an easy fifty quid, man. There’s nowt to it.

Seb:                      Oh right, I just assumed that the bigger the noise, the more you had to do.

Sound guy:         Well you know what they say about people who assume?

Seb:                      I don’t know, what do they say about people who assume?

Sound guy:         Oh, I dunno, just thought I’d ask.  

 

(end of scene)

 

Narrator:             With only seven minutes before the doors open to the eager public. I spoke to the band about last minute jitters.

 

Scene: Interview

Seb:                      Are you nervous about tonight’s show?

Karl:                      We love our performs. We have nothing to lose, why do we care about our nervous system?

Heinrich:             It is perhaps our digestive system that should be of concern, no? (Laughs) Karl has ingested more than his share of Gefilte fish today and his hole is pumping out terrible smell cloud.

Karl:                      I will furz on stage and we will laugh, everyone’s a winner, no?

Seb:                      Do you, ahem,  ‘furz’ much on stage?

Heinrich:             What are you inferring?

Seb:                      I’m not inferring, I’m implying.

Karl:                      No, you inferred that there are a lot of furz, and your statement implied as such. Perhaps we should correct you every English mistake, no?

Heinrich:             You speak like a furz!

Karl:                      He is like dog with boner. You start on furz and Heinrich will not stop until a real furz is presented. Will you furz for us?

Seb:                      Excuse me?

Heinrich:             Will you let out a smell cloud for us? Perhaps you could join us on stage?

Seb:                      How about I don’t.

 

(End of Scene)

 

Narration:           Die Plankton’s set goes without a hitch, or so I initially thought. During the show, I stepped out  to take a phone-call. On my return, I discovered that an argument had broken out between one of the audience members and the promoter.

[This scene is set in an adjoining room to the stage. The noises of the band’s performance echoes in the background]

Scene: Argument

Neil:                      Look, I’m not being funny mate, but there’s no refunds.

Adam:                  I’m not paying for this crap, I want my money back.

Neil:                      You paid to come in. I dunno, man, I mean, that’s kinda what you pay for. And you did come in.

Adam:                  If I went into a shop and I bought something that was broken, or was just painful to listen to, or just idiotic, I’d get my money back. That’s my right as a consumer. Have you not even heard of the Sale of Goods Act?  

Neil:                      Well mate, you’ll have to give trading standards a call. The poster said three quid entry; the bands on the poster are here, even though it said ‘subject to change’. Sorry mate, but there’s  nowt I can do.

Adam:                  Screw you; I want my God damn money back now!

Narrator:             My attempts to interview the disgruntled punter were to no avail. I did, however, managed to speak with Alan who was a little more gruntled with the show.

Seb:                      Is this your first  Die Plankton performance?

Alan:                    ‘Ere,’ere. Let me tell you something. I’ll tell you this for nowt. (Coughs hard) If these were doing this thirty years ago, people’d be queuing around the street to get in. Let me tell you, it’s erm, it’s erm. (Coughs and hacks up some phlegm which is audibly spat onto the floor) This is what it should be about.

Drunk Man:        [Shouting in background] It’s made up mate! They’re not even German. It’s a load of crap, it’s all made up.

Seb:                      Sorry, I’m trying to do an interview here.

Alan:                    I tell you, these young ‘uns don’t get it unless it’s some text-a-number karaoke on the tele. And I’ll tell you something else; they’d be queuing for miles to see this in the seventies.

Seb:                      How old are you exactly?

Alan:                    I’m 62, but let me tell this (coughs heavily) This is more futuristic than all your computers and machines make, This is real, it’s all just clicks and whistles these days. Let me tell you something. It’s all about opening the third eye. You can do that, you can see the reality, it’s all shapeshifters and lizards. This stuff is real.

Seb:                      Do you think that I’m a lizard?

Alan:                    Yes. (Coughs vigorously) 

 

Scene: Interview

[The scattered claps of a small audience are heard as Die Plankton’s set comes to an end. There is an obvious mixture of cheers and boos - the split in the audience is quite obvious.]

Seb:                      Wow, guys, that was something else. How was it?

Karl:                      Eh, it was okay. I missed the ukulele solo in ‘Ice Man’ and we restarted ‘Ill Advised Teenage Moustache” fourteen times, but, I think it was pretty good.

Heinrich:             We usually restart ‘Ill Advised Teenage Moustache’ nineteen times. By the seventeenth introduction, the audience have stopped laughing at us and atmosphere goes quite sour. We like that. People can be very easy to manipulate.

Seb:                      A very Kaufmanesque attitude. How do you feel about the fact that one of the punters was demanding his money back?

Karl:                      Punters? Punters? We are not prostitute; we play Krautrock, nu-Krautrock and Krautrock-fusion. You line of question continues to be very inappropriate.

Heinrich:             Next question.

Seb:                      Sorry, a member of the audience was demanding their money back. How does that make you feel, as performers, I mean?

Karl:                      Okay, okay. So a person want his money back. Let him have it. It is not like we are making money for this.

Seb:                      You don’t get paid?

Karl:                      Our performs are not profitable for us, or probably anybody involved. We like to perform, no problem. We are not seeing like a business. 

Heinrich:             What do you want from us? We say we play Krautrock, nu-Krautrock and Krautrock-fusion and what we do? Tell me?

Seb:                      (Hesitantly) Erm, I’m not really sure...

Heinrich:             (Interrupting) We play Krautrock, nu-Krautrock and Krautrock-fusion, no question.

Karl:                      There was even some Kraut-hop we play, so he can go kiss Tinterfisch.

Heinrich:             And that’s the bottom line, cuz Heinrich say so. 

 Seb:                     Er, if you say so.

 

(End of Scene)

 

Narrator:             I had the honour of being invited to a recording session at Plankton HQ .The attic room of a small terraced house is where Die Plankton tirelessly rehearse and lay down their tracks. It’s quite amazing to think that fan favourites such as ‘es gibt nichts lustig über den D-Tag-Landungen’, ‘My Phone is Who I Am’ and ‘Are We Not Men? No! We are Die Plankton �" We Play Krautrock, Nu-Krautrock and Krautrock-fusion’ were recorded in this very room.

I was quite taken aback by how the room was scattered with wires and microphones and strange instruments. A broken xylophone, a dozen or so whoopee cushions, a Jew’s harp and a few other things that I wasn’t quite sure about.

 

Scene: Recording session

Seb:                      It’s a bit of a crazy set-up you’ve got here. What is this?

Karl:                      That is mine, please put it down.

Heinrich:             I like this; I found this in a skip.

Seb:                      It’s a fish!

Karl:                      Wrong

Heinrich:             Ha ha, it is an ocarina that appears to be a fish. You blow into its mouth and you play the by fingering the holes to make notes. Please try.

 

[Seb is heard trying unsuccessfully to work the ocarina. He blows a few times until something clears and pops out.]

 

Seb:                      Eugh, that didn’t taste good, what was that?

Heinrich:             Perhaps I should have cleaned it before use, no? Ha ha ha.

 

[There is a knock and the door, and the door opens.]

 

“Helga”:              Oh, hey babe, didn’t realise you were back.

Karl:                      (Interrupting) Hahaha, ah Helga! My very own Yoko Ono.

“Helga”:              Helga? Oh, for the love of God,I thought you’d stopped doing this stuff.

Seb:                      I thought you guys were single?

Karl:                      We have guest. He is interviewing Die Plankton, it could be very...

“Helga”:              Oh right, I’ll leave you to it. Erm, you know Adam’s downstairs for you?

Karl:                      Adam? Oh erm okay. Send him up.

Seb:                      So what are you planning to record?

Heinrich:             Planning?

Seb:                      Some kind of Krautrock odyssey, a few hours of noise,  something groundbreaking, I bet.

 

[The door opens again, Adam enters.]

Adam:                  Hey man, oh who’s this?

Karl:                      This is Sebastian, he is making documentary about Die Plankton.

Adam:                  Nice to meet you mate, hope they’re treating you well. Hmm, have I, erm, have we met?

Seb:                      I don’t think so.  Pleasure to meet you though, how do you know Die Plankton? Wait a minute, you were at the Cardigan Arms show, you were the guy asking for a refund!

Adam:                  That wasn’t me.

Karl:                      Mistaken identity.

Heinrich:             Next question!

Seb:                      Erm, no... It was definitely you. I’m not sure what to make of this, why would you ask for a refund if it’s your friend’s band? That doesn’t make sense.

Adam:                  (Laughs) Time to break kayfabe?

Heinrich:             (mumbles, but accent slips to sound English)  Let’s not jump the gun here.

Karl:                      Okay, you have caught us out. Hands up, we admit. Adam is a member of Die Plankton. We like to create a little brouhaha, a little hullaballoo around our performs. It adds to the experience, it make the people talk.

Heinrich:             Hahaha, very good. Very good. Okay, okay. Next question, come on guys. He kids.                              Next question! 

Karl:                      You must keep this a secret. I can admit, I trust you, it is part of our act, but nobody must know. He is our English connection.

Seb:                      So, does he come to all of your shows and ask for a refund.

Karl:                      Oh, no. He’s not there every time. When he is, I don’t know, perhaps he heckle, or perhaps he will complain to the manager. He writes a lot of articles and reviews for us, make us look like worst band. It is all part of brand Plankton.

Seb:                      (Shocked) So all of the quotes about Die Plankton are fake? You made them up?

Heinrich:            Such simple distinctions, real/fake, fiction/fact. It is all same, it is all a construct. We just pull some string here, some string there. No problem.

Seb:                     But it’s all bollocks.

Adam:                  Yeah, it’s probably more common than you’d think, to be honest. I just put negative messages out there. Get a bit of controversy going. As Eric Bischoff puts it, ‘controversy creates cash.’

Heinrich:             That did not work so well for Gary Glitter.

Seb:                    Sorry, who’s Eric Bischoff?

 

(End of Scene)

Narrator:             I came away from this conversation feeling very deflated. I had spent a lot of time gathering reviews and information about Die Plankton, and now I don’t what it is true and what is not.  A number of doubts are beginning to manifest themselves in my brain. In our next episode, I hope to investigate some of these doubts and uncover the truth about Die Plankton. 

 

Author's Note

Any feedback welcome

Reviews

[Craig2591]

Very funny. Good dialogue. I enjoyed it. The pidgin English of the German characters is very convincing.

David Hassellhoff a part of Germany's great history of music?! To a Yank, that's funny! I mentioned it to a Austrian friend of mine and she said, "That's okay. We gave you guys Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a fair trade." LOL