Parting

Till death do us part

The night is so cold

I miss your presence so bad

coz' you give me warmth

 

I hear the crickets

Yet all they mean is silence

Because you are gone

 

It's sad to recall

our memories together,

It hurts me so much!

 

You were my sunlight

You were my morning prayer

my first glimpse and more

 

Til death do us part

is such a sorrowful thing

it's so hard to bear!

 

It's painful I know

but I have to let you go

Death came and took you.

 

but I will go on

I will see you in the end

I love you, always!

Reviews

[Ency Bearis]

Nice Haiku in series write. Well expressed emotion of yearning and poetized. I like the suggestion of Sir Joe, there must be variation of words to simile to make the poem to look a poem in ambiguity. But so far this poem is a great one. Write more Oragon na amigo and share what you got.

[Sir Joe]

I must say that you are great when it comes to "line and stanza metering". The meter could've been perfectly consistent if you added one more syllable to the second line of the fourth stanza. The word "prayer" which refers to the sequence of words used in praying is read as "prair" (monosyllabic). However, if that word is used to mean "a person who prays", then it should be read as "prey-er" (bisyllabic). Perhaps you could do something about that particular line.

These days, only a few writers remain faithful to the basic elements of poetry which are rhyme, rhythm and meter. this poem of yours is rhythmic and meter-bound but is not much rhyme-rich. I"m not saying that it is necessary to infuse in poetry-writing all of those elements, but the more restricted and rule-bound a poem is, the more poetic, more beuatiful, more musical and more impressive it becomes. But, of course, never forsake the bearing or the content of the poem. Take Shakespeare's sonnets as examples. His sonnets are not only rich in content but are also consistent in form and structure that's why they have been remarkably praised by literary scholars and by common readers.

Are the stanzas in your poem haikus? What I know about haikus is that they are 7-5-7 poems about nature or our natural environment and nothing more. Just correct me if I'm wrong. =)

As regards the theme of the poem, the poem has so much to hold. The use of simple and plain language made it easy for me to grasp the meaning quickly.

Writing, most of the time, serves as an outlet of one's emotions. Whatever a person feels or experiences, he can scribble them on a piece of paper. But if he decides to post it here on writercafe or to subject it to public reading, he must consider the taste of the readers or the appeal that should be possessed by his work.

Don't worry, my friend. As a reader-reviewer, I like this work of yours. I was able to connect to the poetic persona for I have already experienced losing a person whom I loved so much. But I believe not only I can relate to this. Even those who haven't experienced losing someone dear to them can also link themselves to this piece. Besides, death and sorrow are universal themes.

I have one more suggestion. Try saying familiar things in unfamiliar or uncommon ways. For example, instead of saying "i wrote a poem", better say "I dipped my quill in a bowlful of words and painted poetry". As far as poesy is concerned, the latter sounds better, does it not? Now, how will you say "death", a familiar thing, in an unfamiliar way? By the way, we call that technique "defamiliarization".

I can't say much anymore. Thank you so much for sharing the poem. =)


- joe

[jonathanjaime]

I wish you could comment on all my works. This one's a great piece of review. =) Made my day. =) Thank Sir Joe, this is your niche and I sincerely appreciate the effort you poured in. Haikus are written in5-7-5 phrases. =)

[Sir Joe]

Awwww pardon my mistake. 5-7-5 stanzas, indeed. =)
=) nabaliktad q lng hahaha
You're most welcome "po", Sir Jonathan. =)
You deserve the review. =)

- joe