You're a Liar and I'm a Loser

Actually this is not a prepared writing, it was a product of bursting emotion.

You’re a liar and I am a loser

Feb 20, 2011

 

 

            Your jokes made me laugh. I am flattered by them but I didn't know that they will also be the one to lead me into tears. You told me that you care for me. Was it real? Maybe it was just one of your pranks. I thought I was strong enough to handle those jokes. I thought that I won't be hurt. I thought that I am not affected by them. And the worst thing, I thought they won't make me fall in love with you.

I have denied to myself so many times that I am not in love with you but then I came to think about it. If I'm not hurt and I'm not in love with you, why the hell am I sitting here teary eyed typing these damn stuffs? I am typing continuously not caring about the grammars and losing the sense of consistency of every sentences. I just feel like this is the only way to release this feeling of mine. Is this due to my agony? Hey! Stop it! But I really I can't.

I don't know what is in you, that I am reacting this way? You don't have the physical attributes of a man I'm dreaming of but still you've got total electro negativity. Alongside your imperfection is the fact that you’re so perfect in my eyes that I come to forget how imperfect you are. Damn I look like a loser in here crying for a man who doesn't deserve a tear.

 Actually it wasn't the jokes that made me cry but it's the fact that you like someone else. It hurts so much seeing your posts on her wall, receiving your GMs with her name specially mentioned, knowing you writing tons of songs for her and what hurts the most is that you love her so much. How I wish they were mine. How I wish I was her. Oh! How I wish.

I wanted to ask you a lot of things. I wanted to know if in the series of lies we've shared, is there at least one true thing? I wanted to know what was in your mind when you were sending me those messages. I wanted to know what was your real intention. I wanted to know why your best friend asked me if we were exchanging messages and just smiled after I told him yes. I wanted 'to know everything but I can't. I don't want to lose the last thing I am holding on---my pride and I guess this is the irony of being a woman. As just what my friend said it is very unethical to ask a man regarding his feelings towards you.

 I may not be the best actress but I know I'm capable of speaking with your best friend naturally without a flaw but I don't know why is it that when it comes to you, I can't be the pretender, the actress that I used to be when I talk to your best friend. I can't even look into your eyes because I know that if I'm going to look unto them you'll be able to read up my mind. I don't want you to feel sorry about me. I don't want you to think that I'm weak. Whenever we talk I have this awkward feeling and I know that you have it too.

Last Thursday, supposedly you were my partner on our ballroom dance. You've even given up another joke just like the way we used to. Are they really half meant? Or are they simply jokes? Are we looking into different perspectives? Probably you've noticed that I'm no longer capable of riding on it. You've asked this guy to try it out with me in the dance for he always doesn't have a partner in our group. But then, I know it wasn't the real reason. You just don't want to dance with me. And your real reason is unknown.

Maybe you know that no matter how we pretend to be as how we used to, the awkward feeling is undeniably there. How I wish you don't feel sorry on me cause once you've felt that way I’ll feel like a total loser. I will feel like losing my pride and I don’t want to. Please don't be sorry. Please.

 But then, I don’t know if I’ll be glad if we leave things like this, totally illuminated. What’s the problem is that we act so professional. When we meet in the corridor or when we see each other during practice, we try to be as how we used to. We, you or I don’t dare to talk about it. Sometimes I wanted to be so immature and fragile so that at least I could clarify things with you if there are such. And yet, those are not what I am known for.

There's a huge possibility that you will be my partner on our practicum and I wish that at that time, I would be capable of looking into your eyes without any awkward feeling, holding your hand as if it doesn't matter and to finish the dance without giving me hopes of us being together. Seriously, I would like to put all the blame in you for bringing me onto this. But, who am I to do so? You're such a great liar and I'm such a damn loser.