When Nectar is Rotten...

Here lye words of anger and disgust

 

 

Rolling the dice for substance, when justice is all but lost,

Vindication is brought forth on a whim, than again, at what cost?

Have we changed a thing? Is it solice we offer, or peace we bring?

When we settle a score that is not soon forgoten, ripe and rancid,  and poison, when nectar is rotten. 

We gain not a thing...

Not a riddle we solve...

Desolet grows hope...

Trust but dissolves...

We struggle, to clean a pallet fit for a king,

We engorge and devour, we dance and we sing,

Damnation to those who don't recognize the power,

In our moment of truth, when final are hours...

When nectar is rotten, not but fit for a king,

What solice have we provided?

What peace do we bring?

 

-jr 

 

 

Author's Note

I was a bit angry here. Bare with me.

Reviews

[Collette]

I felt this.
Really.
All of the anger seems to radiate from the piece, and I whole-heartedly embrace the message. My friend, this is like a cold glass of water on a scorching day. Poignant and concise. Everything that needs to be said is covered, without becoming overly engrossed in lyrical frills. The flow is smooth, the transitions are easy, and the motif is clear. I could see this as a rallying cry, or a song for the unsung heroes of the artistic movement. You really have something here, and aside from the anger, there is hope. Hope in questioning, and hope in touching at least one person. It's all about connections, I suppose. I love this, and I think I shall join your ranks, should you ever choose to revolt.

As far as changes go, I would simply break this line up:
When we settle a score that is not soon forgoten, ripe and rancid, and poison, when nectar is rotten.

It's a lot to get through in one line. By putting it into smaller chunks, it would strengthen the piece overall.
brava, my friend.

[Morgan Ashire]

I very much like the premise, but there are a few rewordings that I see that might help the piece move along a bit better and help the message be conveyed a bit smoother with less guesswork for the reader. "...ripe and rancid, and poison, when nectar is rotten." I believe the "and poison" reiterates the same point made as "ripe and rancid," thereby becoming repetitive. I suggest its removal. "We gain not a thing...Not a riddle we solve... Desolet grows hope... Trust but dissolves..." I see the direction you're going with it and I like it, but it reads rather choppy and could easily be misconstrued by the reader. With a couple minor fixes, this could be resolved. I suggest rewording the last two lines to something along the lines of, "Desolately grows hope/Desolate hope grows... Trust all but dissolves." With a minor tweak to the first line and the addition of "all" to the second helps convey the same point, but in a sharper, more focused way. I see one more rewording that could make this piece flow much better. "In our moment of truth, when final are hours." I suggest a small reword of this last line, as so it flows better with the rest of the style of the poem to something along the lines of, "In our moment of truth, our final hour." It also rhymes better with "power" than the half rhyme, half implied rhyme of "hours." These changes are, or course, your prerogative to do with as you please, but I think it would make for a much more focused final piece.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

What solace , a good question.. this is really good and i enjoyed it ... truth spoken word..

Chloe
xoxo

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Definitely feels like lyrics to me...so telling and truthful - to the heart of the matter - well written and moving. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha

[Ashley Campbell]

Writing with words from the top of your head that look pretty on paper is good. Being able to write with words from an emotion is simply amazing. You've expressed your anger well, while also making a symbolic point. Looking at this simple piece, I find many flaws in the human race and the world that you have seemed to so cleverly hid. I really enjoyed reading this, keep up the good work=).

~
Silver Wolf

[E. M. Murren]

Hey... anger works in art quite well... better than punching walls. LOL This feels like a song. Not surprising since you are a songwriter. Really well done. I look forward to reading more. Cheers.