How to Build the Life you Want

1

Everybody that would be here was here as had they been no one and nothing waiting to be made part of the story. But a girl sat waiting for a ride on the benches downtown unnoticed but by me in the sunlight and the traffic noise when I spoke to her.

“Write a life for yourself Beth,” I said sounding like her own thoughts so that she would think she had thought it. “A break up isn't a big deal when you care for them no more than you did him. It always turns out this way for you it seems. That's because nobody's writing it. Write it girl.” Then I turned from her conscious mind to her subliminal thoughts she had no idea she was thinking but she would know when it was relevant to access them. Then I gave her my mind so she could access that and taught her how to access it in her subliminal mind.

She thought with joy that would be a good idea and that that was what was wrong with her she was letting random chance write her life and it was not doing a very good job. I knew she would try as a white low cost but almost new car stopped and she snapped out of her reverie, stood, ran to the car, opened the door, sat on the passenger seat, pulled on her seat belt looked at he woman driving the car and said her thank yous then looked at the floor mat as the driver backed up a little by turning in her seat to see whether there was anyone behind her, then turned to look down the street behind them where no one was coming, put it in drive, turn the wheel and pull out into traffic.

Her first thought when she returned to my conscious suggestion was about what she would need first and I had her think to just think about what she wanted in her life beginning with her and she thought that she wanted to be happy and being under control and in a real life setting that was decorated with pretty things in a clean environment. So she settled upon looking for some pretty pictures with flowers and cute animals and lots of bright delightful colors. Then she thought of the free store but decided against that because it would limit her choices and look like what it was when she was done, like it was all stuff from the free store before settling on a store called the Re-Store where some really nice stuff was donated that needed a little fixing, was fixed and sold not for what it was worth then but according to parts and labor of the process of restoring it.

Then she turned to her mother, the driver, and it all came bubbling out in greater detail exactly what she wanted knowing there were likely to be decorations there that surpassed what she imagined she wanted and asked her mother's help in coordinating everything. The conversation went on all the way to her parents' house where she had agreed to eat dinner them for they were worried she had not been getting enough to eat not that she looked inordinately thin but she just didn't seem to be as into things as she had been since it had become clear that neither her nor her last boyfriend actually care for each other or found each other all that exciting any more. In a word, they just didn't seem to hit it off and he finally never even bothered coming around leaving only an old catcher's mitt with the loose strap the only thing of his left. He had just naturally taken everything he came with or bought with him without her noticing and probably without him noticing much but to think to himself that he didn't want to come back after it because it wasn't that valuable to him anyway and it was clear this thing they were in was ending. Then when he never came back after a week or two she remembered now realizing he was finally gone and said, 'Eh! What the hell was that anyway?' Then she felt like the only real person on earth, the only one with a mind that was thinking and doing things by choice as had all the others been shills or very lifelike machines that looked so human she could see no difference. Did they notice her on her own? Did they ignore her or pay attention or even say, “Hi,” on their own? What if she had evolved and was the only real one of the entire human race for instance, but not knowing she was not real, but in my thought life that I was giving her from thoughts I had once had before I became a God and in a way had been right, the rest of the people in God's mind actually were not like me and her now but alive and not just a character no that's not it, a spirit, no whatever it is that gives us our moods, moods we cannot have without one or more of our own when we are being what makes us what we are. Was it evil of me to make her me in a story I wrote with her as myself in the limited dimension of a story and not reality like God did everyone who actually did nothing, said nothing and thought nothing until he paid attention to them and reality revealed what had all happened in his mind concerning them when they cannot do, say or think anything unless his reality does it and he writes his reality except in my mind, in my reality except when she was unconscious as when sleeping I was doing, saying and thinking everything she did, said or thought. Would the actual truth and the actual reality force me to accept her as a peer one day when and if she realized what I did and forced me to be either good and let her be in her own self and not in me or in my story in the reality I was writing just for her. All these other people, her boyfriend, her mother and I assume since I said parents' place, her father did not really exist and we at most like some of the tools I was making her with.

When I paid attention to her again we, her and I realized she had been lost in reverie thinking the same thoughts I had. It was working. She was part of me. One day after she realized with all her differences I could make her real and my peer and in a sense I would give birth to the daughter I never had for I never had any kids and never really was married. Is that why I was doing it. I thought I was just doing it to write but now the truth is I realize I want to stick by the truth so she can be real.

Then her reverie caused her to drift off to sleep with our thoughts and she dreamed in part of stepping out of her human body as a Gods body appeared as she left each part of her human body instantly replaced by a God's body when she saw my face and my eyes but realized she needed nothing more than to be in overall reality which if you believe it exists and if you don't does not but you are in you, not in me, not in Jesus God or in God, the reality God made his reality in his mind in.

She would complete the dream and think about it and remember it experiencing it the same but each time ever so slightly different until at last it was not the same dream at all and then she would think about that and the meaning of the subtle changes that changed it completely. You know what I mean, dreams, the dreams of a God learning to be a God, the way it almost always go unless its a bad dream or a real rip snorter of a nightmare, that I bury in her subliminal mind and lock it in so it takes me to be or bring the key to access it ever again.

When she awoke I was in front of he face above her in the part of the mind made to copy my reality I was writing and have the illusion of time and distance, me and my feeling for her.

She smiled.

I was suddenly unsure what to do, what to feel, where to go, who to be. It was actual reality her reaction and mine. It was embarrassing to be a God caught in that which he did not make for her and which he did not plan to have happen. To suddenly be in actual reality doing something like he and Jesus and God always are though most often for me at least completely unaware of it and the first time she looked at me in actual reality and the first time her face had been in actual reality at all. It worked. I could have measured her face in actual reality and that is what its dimension was exactly but not in the reality I was writing for her, that was not perfectly real like actual reality has no chance and no other way to but always be, perfect everything, exactly in a perfect way, only that it was even if it all was a total failure with a flaw that completely destroyed it and left it nonexistent fiction.

Then I recovered and in memory for I actually remembered her thoughts and emotions, wants and desires and surprisingly to me her realizing I was real in reality.

“You are too,” I said to her conscious mind in just those words as she pondered whether she was sane because of thinking those words in my voice or going insane to hear the voice of another who seemed to be thinking or at least listening to her thoughts about actually being real in reality, the goal of my project and she realized they had been my thoughts the same as hers and that we were sharing a true moment that was true to both of us at the same time and no long a truth that was only true to her and not really true to anyone besides me but untrue for where she had been was in my created reality and now she was in actual reality and we, me and her, would be interacting in actual reality too and actually were at all times in a way anyway.

Then she realized I had written her memory of what she had been thinking when we were in actual reality and wondered if it was what she had actually thought while I was distracted away from her by reality. But she had been real in actual reality and had thought something. Had I overpowered it with my version of what she had thought? Had the truth of actual reality revealed to me alone what her thoughts had been? It doesn't sound important but one can put all of good and evil in the dilemma. It is evil to give someone else new memories just so you could have them the way you wrote them to be. I should have asked her what they were.

Some voice, perhaps my own, or Jesus' or God's but not actual reality's. It has never spoke to me except when I said what it would say if it were possible that it should speak or would say that if it could speak like a large rock jutting up through the surface of a lake says to one as he thinks it, “Danger. There may be other rocks just below the surface,” as one navigates his boat toward shore. If that rock is real then that is actual reality speaking you by catching your notice or at least letting the rock be there as a sign reading, “Careful possible submerged rocks.” I find that with actual reality we wind up reading it more often than actually seeing the rest of what it is showing us if we know the truth and how to read it. But in particular us Gods, God, Jesus God, and me tend to notice those things and deal with them adequately without considering if they are also in actual reality, reality the way we think it exists, write it exists, daydream it is, hallucinate it is or dream it is so.

2

While she was doing nothing: trying on her mother's blue jeans, a dress at the mall and texting and hanging out at the mall doing nothing of consequence not to mention anything of a divine nature I was busy giving myself a rest and now as she settles down to read on her Amazon Fire I plan to give her a childhood.

She will probably want some masculine item in her apartment rather than all frilly stuff and some tees and looser jeans that don't call so much attention to her being a beautiful seventeen year old. She was quite the tomboy even when she was very little. She would play with girly dolls but pit herself against the toughest game characters that might even require a little knowledge of the sort of thing she loved to learn, things other girls knew little about or cared almost nothing about. She even tried to pee on a tree in the backyard like the boys did. Oh, well, she was a tomboy.

But when she was born she was a naked little girl that was physically blind but had spiritual eyes that put her into the mood to see intangible things like pi and love, right, good, justice, mercy, kindness and their opposites as well as things like light, darkness, fiction, impractical things, everything scattered in a disarray of many different kinds of potential forces that could act on clusters of very much strong forces by moving them rather than opposing them but only on the intangible level all the way through but seeing the potential for gravity and for forces of all types again but her potential to control all of it that she wanted, not realizing any of it but taking it all in to be awakened even as I write these memories of her past that are happening as I remember them and make them memories of hers that I have become privy to as her memory becomes aware of it for her mind might as well not be functioning at all as she gets into Hip Hop in the background and right now cute little videos of kittens doing things that are implied to be real and might be but so far have not ever happened except in someone's mind but she knows it is not real let alone knows it's not actually real which is as far away from her mind as cartoons are from live war initiatives in Iraq which is still going on though so many have forgotten it's even there or where it is anymore.

I knew I had done right. It was not just random not some things that could be seen. She understood them. On the same level she knew lights were in a different place and that a light that moved away was the same light that came back or not. She's always been excellent at seeing precepts, concepts, and what ideas are rejects in almost any situation. She has a quick eye. She is like her creator. She can understand absolutely anything but her mind works a lot quicker than his. He's right a little more often but her might is faster but not brighter and she tends to brag rather than make truer promises when using it.

She immediately took to doing miracles of a practical nature and loved to do one with a magic routine she did for exposure to crowds when in eighth grade. At the end of each show everyone got a penny. But she has had difficulty accepting her mother and her father as intellectual equals and occasionally I have to ask her a question that caused her mind to be blown, gently holding the searing pain until she at last admits she has to admit she has no way to handle it yet. Then I let the pain go and when at last I can manage it I tell her to quit imagining it like you should all pain which is only imaginary but useful sometimes. Then when I let it all go I too wrestle for a while with no longer remembering it or imagining it.

Pain is not actually real or something being real it is not even an illusion of anything true. It's an evil suggestion started by God when he was being Satan before he was born again. That was some other guy not the God we have now. He realized that even he cannot be evil at all and be good. Goodness does not come in layers of good, better, best. It is all good and anyone that is good is judged that way when justice comes into play. Evil is judged by what awful thing it did and the severity and circumstances it comes in because people try to rationalize it away. The truth is not obeying a God you are not in at the moment about cleanliness issues is evil, so is killing God evil. There are no degrees but wisdom does not demand that one wash as in another God they would have to if they were in it or for killing God if he was reborn someone else, a God that is forever God if he never falls away.

She had a headache after all that Hip Hop and cute little male animals for compared to her that is what they are.

“You do realize don't you?” I said in her conscious thoughts as she texted something that might imply she was sexually turned on by some sexless runt online, “Since you are or will be a God, he is actually an animal or computer to you. Even to think of making love to him would be kinky as it gets for me.” Then she let out a loud sound as were she in torture and an, “Ew!!!” that indicated she was not too pleased.

I told her in my voice in her mind, “You can have a spirit to do it with. It's a thing that puts you in the mood. You do it and then you forget it or destroy it. It is weird and it is kinky for one to have sex with anything they created but if that is all it is, it is not evil and you are not evil to use it properly as a tool.”

She thought that I should give her one right then.

I thought back that she should actually make her own scratcher I called it when she had an itch for sex. But then I thought how that would seem in thought and warned her subliminal thoughts and conscious thoughts at the same time that she was not eligible until she was eighteen.

“Why eighteen?” she verbalized in her mind.

“It is better than twenty-one or thirty like in the Bible,” I said aloud in my reality in her apartment in her physical hearing probably in actual reality to her but nowhere to me impressing her that I was speaking audibly in the physical reality I had made for her but then again to come together on it again I don't expect her to obey me. She just does. Is that a sign she is good?

Obeying God when you are in him or when you are a God in the reality he has created for those in him to be in without being in his mind or spirit or even his body is good. But for a God it is not actually possible to be in another God. It is like filling a fifty gallon drum with fifty gallons or more of water after it is full without dumping any out.

“But,” I said to her in my normal voice in her conscious mind, “When you love someone and you see what that is all about in the context of sex and you will know what true sex is and what sexual togetherness is then I will let you be who you are in actual reality and not my shill.

I didn't do that. Now I may never know. Know it, for me, for him, for yourself, for everyone that will look up to you or even worship and obey you. Very few like me do it right. If possible give that treat to some guy you love. I have no business getting involved with something like that yet. If you make the grade there will be three male Gods and one female but I don't believe in having sex with something I made and if I have my way you will always be my daughter.”

I cried.

I knew about what had to happen between her and horny toads like God and Jesus God. If you are listening to me whoever you are make sure you love my daughter before you do what was such a disaster to her creator I don't ever want to do it again, ever.

Daughter, do all things and I mean all things well. Find the truth, wrap it around you to keep an attack from anywhere at bay. It will not defeat every opponent for some you put in a bind won't care about what will happen to them no matter what the options are and they will just flatten you and too late find out they have no reason or purpose to be and no one lives long that way. But I will raise you up and you will be better than before because if we get worse or even just acceptable we will put it down until we come up with a good one we like. But be careful not to die unless it is better that you die. Remember we don't always get a good one back from death sometimes we get an evil one. We will help you.

Though most of you are not the daughter of a God or expect to be and we expect a lot less from you but demand the same things. You must be good. You must be loving and ready to forgive. You must be right when it is called for but wrong when it is bad but needed to be good; which happens. You must learn to grant justice and not turn away if you are called upon or the situation has come to you.

But mercy? Do not be merciful first. Judge rightly and mercilessly all that should come upon one, then in the end you can see clearly just what is merciful in the case. Justice without judgment is a disaster. Judgment without mercy is a warning for the next one, but judgment and mercy is desirable. Think of the victims first then of the crowd that should desire as much mercy as wisdom affords a criminal but remember you are dealing with the criminal not righting what they did. No matter of justice ever rights anything but again sometimes wisdom ignores being right and does wrong for it ends better. Learn when these times are and err not in what looks like the good way but yields the disaster that should have fallowed evil instead.

In God's first reality that concerns earth, Jesus of Nazareth was beaten and killed for the sins of everybody though he had done nothing wrong. God was right. The disaster that befell them the same as should a wicked judge condemn a just man. But Jesus Christ rose and even today right at this moment almost talking people into being good using the truth in an effort to reveal every possible good man on earth.

What if the judge had done right and set him free? No one would be alive on earth possibly and no one would ever have heard of Calvary where Christ died to pay the price for your sins all the things you did wrong that had to be paid for and were paid for by him in an evil God's reality the beginning of substitution kinds of punishment. Him paying for what you owe because of your lies and wrongs and evil deeds.

But nowadays it is enough to know you will not live. God has decided to right what he did wrong as much as he can through Jesus God. You are dead because of your lies, lies exactly like the lies of God. If you will admit they are wrong that they are not right like all the things you have done wrong and put them to death by forever turning away from them to be honest. Then live by the truth you didn't even know before. There is an actual reality not made by any God not even the one God and you are in that God made in innocence and ignorance.

No one can create reality. It and nothing are the same thing. But truth spoke to God as had it said, “God you are wrong. You cannot be both good and evil and survive as had you really been good.” God repented and now has destroyed his reality and placed everyone he made in himself free to be themselves and not have to be in God's self, a self that was wrong and did many many horrible things wrong but countless things that were very good to attempt to pay back his evil as he is plainly capable of now that he has changed forever. But those left are those he took from heaven where not one of them was true and are even though he freed them really someone else the best he can do for those he changed into unreal likenesses no longer even somewhat like those he started with who died to see his face and dead became someone else though God claimed they would be the one they were by implication and instead had another not them at all going on to live forever seeming to them to be the one they were before that one that is no more.

He said that if you believed in him you would live forever. It was not true. One might live forever in God that way. But it doesn't take someone who has listened to the actual truth all his life to realize when they say, “You must die when you see God's eyes and then you will live forever. Not all died that saw God's eyes. Many many didn't even know what was supposed to happen or who or what they were supposed to be. Many did see him and became eligible to live forever but turned him down to live on without God. Many many of them were just as happy as the others. You see the only ones that got through were the ones that were used to God and would do anything God said. They did live. When God saw them after an absence they made up a past, for they really actually did nothing in God's absence. They lived from the arrival of God to the departure of God and then not again until the next arrival of God and so on. The rest were exactly like them but what they told and remembered they swore other stories of what they had been doing which was a wicked evil lie. It was all a lie.

Heaven is not a place in the spirit. That is a lie. There really is no such a thing as a place in the spirit. There are places in actual reality but there are no real places or places that last a moment in the mind. It is all illusion. They do anything they pretend to do or be like a mind alone, not at all what they were. That is all what God had to talk about in Scripture outside it and he thought people actually could be good and live forever in him, but he knows as we all do, those in his mind do not do anything real, they are not real, they are not even the same as you are. It was all a lie and it still is a lie. It was in the mind a thing that is intangible and in the mind it may be used to know things even things about actual reality not God's reality which he has destroyed in shame to be risen again in perfect glory.

Truth is not just a word to use in an argument or play word games with. It can be known. It can be felt. It can change anyone that is live enough to know it, feel it and be changed by it. The rest are dead. Not much more than the idea that cons them into thinking they are real but that realness is in a fictional reality. They never were anything. They cannot feel what goodness feels like, they cannot be made uncomfortable just by breathing the air of the evil like being in God. They cannot see the truth. They cannot know the truth of goodness. They cannot know the benefits of love.

To them I say, “You are dead. The children of the wicked are all dead. They will be rejected by Jesus who is God and God who is not. A good spirit with a good mind will be put in their place. They will only physically look like their evil fathers the rest of them the good one that stays on that child forever will be there and the children of the evil will be removed from that evil environment and put in their place with a good, right and loving home as is just for they are judged not guilty and will be released from any wrong they did forgiven and live as many times as they live even millions of times beyond the point where the only evil people left on earth are just breeders providing bodies for those who are free of physical sex, by choice, those who marry and have good children and those that cannot have babies for the old ones who die to pass on their mind and spirit and their God part the part that is exactly what defines what they are to any and everyone until the earth is full and we have to colonize though there are many many redundancies but whom do we choose to decide which one dies and which one lives though they are all good and all alive but again the evil who are still there in small numbers as breeders to place the mind and spirit of the new one in which is actually a redundant one exactly like many others actually them.

No one can make one that is not one of them. Not me not Jesus who is God and King not this daughter of mine whom is some one of them currently attempting to make the grade to be a God, my God, my daughter, a good God.

3

“Beth,” I said to the seventeen year old girl in my reality in my mind, “I want you to go to actual reality. You knew intangibles when a baby before you got your physical sight. You know what it is like to be in the reality I made for you in my mind both what it is like to think and see things in your minds eye that appear to be in reality but are only in my reality and the area of the reality of my mind is very similar had I taken you to the part wherein I hallucinated. But there is an actual reality where you have been only once. You did not see me but you felt my presence as it is in my mind and you reacted to it with a smile I never gave you the only thing of any consequence you ever did in actual reality. Do you understand all this?”

Beth considered what I said and replied, “How does this make me a God?”

“You originated in a God, Beth,” I said, “You can see people's feelings, hear their thoughts, work miracles at least in my mind and now only need to move your miracles from my mind to actual reality. Only Jesus who is God and King of the Earth can outdo you. That makes you a God like God and Jesus the God and me. But as for the people there they will not know you and you will not know them. I have taken the liberty to give you a nice little apartment like the one you have in my mind. We can talk. Say, 'Hey,' to Jesus the God.”

I sent the thought her way that she was still in me and all she had to do was put everything she saw, heard and felt in my mind in her mind and open her eyes a she was in actual reality. Jesus the God had noticed.

She did.

“Hi, Beth,” Jesus said, “I am pleased to meet you. Everything you are fascinates me and everything your creator God does fascinates me.”

Beth smiled.

“What's he look like?” she asked.

“An old man,” Jesus said, “He's 68 years old.”

“Wow!!!” she exclaimed.

“Can she work with you now Jesus saving the good people for your kingdom and dealing with and destroying the evil ones saving some to be people to breed people to make new people for the good to be in when they die as babies?”

She looked at Jesus.

“I guess so,” he said, “You can tag along with me. Don't be afraid to ask questions. All I am really doing today is convincing people of the truth that they are spirit and can live forever right here on earth by being reincarnated over and over. Surprising as it is that as strange as it sounds is the only way to guarantee they actually continue to talk, speak and think all day long; having them in reality and loading their mind and spirit onto a baby that is born is the best most seamless way of transferring them from their old body to the baby's body. Don't worry,” he said noticing she was looking overwhelmed, “You'll catch on.”

“What will they be when we convince them?” Beth asked, “Just people living forever.”

“Exactly!!!” Jesus lit up. “In our form but not with our abilities at first anyway but somewhere along the way to infinite time there is no telling what we can convince them to believe they can do and then just have them do it. John, your creator evolved on his own and then got saved. We never had anyone do that. We never had anyone do this either, making a God so slowly while you lived it and he explained all while he was writing.” Then he turned to me and said, “That conversation is great. It is taking place as you write it.”

“Does this mean I am to actual reality what a prophet was the Holy Spirit in post Crucifixion Era or like being in God when he is not letting you say anything evil?” I asked.

“It's the same thing,” God said.

“Is all I need to do to get the people she made in my mind out of my mind to just clear my mind and they have to leave?” I asked.

“Me too!” Beth complained.

“I'll take them out of both of you,” Jesus said and they were gone from me but Beth had a little trouble with some of hers who couldn't see why they couldn't just stay and text and hang around and stuff. But Jesus got it in the end.

So Beth was complete, good and one of us. Now we are four. I created her just while I was writing with some minor tweaking when I was resting. I had created what I think is a good God and Jesus is sure she is while writing that it took place mostly in my mind and a reality I created just to do it in. So I was not just a God doing nothing but explaining some pretty hairy stuff for us to think about but I am confident it is all good but the evil breeders whose children die immediately as one we have convinced of the truth that is good has their mind and spirit take the baby's place. It is done the moment they are born in God's old reality and placed immediately into a couple attempting to have a baby that shortly give birth and the old one is born. As they grow they remember all the times they have been and think nothing of it knowing nothing else since they are a baby and finding none of the information unusual since it is what the old one knew, the new one is just a body with a tiny spirit of the flesh that is never really much of a problem. I assure you. We make certain that the evil baby is unconvinced and there is no chance they will ever be. The phenomenon seems to sometimes happen to evil parents every time. When the evil breeders get past their fertile years or do something evil that requires their death or that gets them killed we just let them die and take their mind and spirit and have them born again as breeders if they were good enough to turn out many evil babies. God is not hallucinating.

4

As you become used to being in reality for all people were in God's reality and he has removed all of us to actual reality I suggest you consider the life you are making though most of you evil ones haven't noticed anything. You are in actual reality for the first time and not in the reality that God built to place the ones he felt good enough to live in there in his mind forever. Your environment will be actual reality and no complicated remake one way or the other of our environment which God claims to be identical to the environment in his mind and the reality there. It is an interesting concept, but it seems hard for me to believe and I know that a reality in the mind of God has differences from actual reality for example God cannot control actual reality but can the reality he claims to be impossible to decide any difference between it and actual reality. God will still doubtlessly bestow his special mind games that had people believing in special powers he claimed they have some of which he claims I have in my mind to use in his sentient reality and to also use in actual reality. I am just not in him and we are converting heaven where what happened and what was there was up to you to imagine or pretend depending upon which you preferred to do. It is atrocious to me and I don't think I will ever be able to accept being any place I want to be in a characters' body that puts me in the mood to where my mind has saw fit to place me in my imagination that makes everything I imagine or pretend as real as everything before I became a God and they the same before they began to have God's powers ever were. I do not like it. I see nothing wrong with the reality that already was here before God imagined so he says the same thing. If so such a great curse as that is has become ours. Nobody really wants anything they can imagine to really be there. Realities dependability is far more preferred by me. It may be an illusion to God but I love reality, actual reality just the way it is, no God to worry about offending or coming up with something that is sure to stress me out. Save the earth. All the good people. In heaven I see as well as most and it is like looking at things you realize are there as you concentrate only to pick them out of a sort of darkness. Here in actual reality you see things in the normal way and not as trying to figure out what a vision or dream is showing you which is very unsuitable to and inferior to the regular light of day. The entire idea of living in somebody's mind as compared to actual reality is unacceptable and revolting God or no God. I do not want any part of heaven and I am a God but living forever on earth in actual reality what in the hell was ever wrong with that.

5

He didn't want to be anymore. She was an angel in a shaggy dog manifestation. He was run down and beaten. A prolific writer who could no longer sign his name he was so beaten back by drugs and alcohol and violence and fear. He wondered if even him, God's God could straighten out his brain. It was an alien thing to nature altered by chemicals like acid, speed, and alcohol. All he knew was he didn't want it to get that bad again and his mind wasn't working right, sometimes all emotions riled up and filled to an unmanageable level of anger realizing he was taking everything wrong and that wrong too watching his completely destroyed self try to run things for him and not knowing what to do about him and having no idea how to control and so all that was left was just to observe what he had become act out what was left of his life not wanting to see it but believing there was no remedy for it, what was left and just there. Then he connected with a shaggy little white dog he thought to be an angel and he hugged her in the driveway's lights as the large snowflakes fell from the dark night sky each one lit brighter than a star falling all around them and God's God who never says anything seemed to be saying by it all, “It will all be alright.”

Then when he went to collect for the fill up and making change the customer said, “You look to me like a man that needs a dog.”

He did. Monster, the thing there was the most evidence of, freak with an altered brain and heart, dead man forever he did need a dog and as happens some times God's God used a man to say what he needed to say that everyone there, the dog, the little daughter, her father and the pump jockey who used to be an electrician all knew was true, that kind of truth that only comes from God's God the one he tried to kill by claiming his reality in the hopes of stealing it. God never put an angel in it but there was an angel in the form of a dog no one but him knew was an angel from God's God someone he came to realize even God did not know but he had known him since he was two years old and heard that which cannot be heard saw that which cannot be see and felt what does not even involve touch. He was real. God's God was the only one he was not an alien to for he was an alien what was left always acting out and the observer that watched what was always acting out both aliens to each other both wanting to totally destroy the other but neither having any method to conceive of how, for their physical death they knew would be only the beginning of it.

Jesus saved me. God spirited me away time after time until I was completely sane. My little angel brought me back to where people did not notice the wreck inside or out. But I still don't want to be anymore, to just end. Him I watch now came from madness where everything he imagined was true to him. Now God tells him he's a God and everything he imagines is true. He and his observer within could not accept the first madness and cannot accept this second divine madness either. So it appears that after all this, work, and actions, and hopes and heartbreaks to make him what he is there is only the same place for him there has every been, nowhere and only no one can live there. So he just doesn't want to be. He just wants to not be. Forever. Because the only way out of hell is to die and he has been in heaven and it was hell the same as hell was with no difference except in degree and the number in hell that actually were in heaven and the sad fact he never met anyone even God and Jesus that were in heaven. God's God, if this is all there is, I'll pass.