It Should've Been Me

A tragic story of the struggles with drugs and alcohol a young boy and ultimately, his family go through after the death of his father.

“I was sixteen years old when my dad died. My brother, Jimmy, was only thirteen. We didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. He was working late, like he always did the day before his company’s payroll was due, and when he was leaving his office, he was robbed and shot twice in the chest. He didn’t die right away but by the time we got up to the hospital, he was gone. We were both really close to our dad, but Jimmy seemed to take it a lot harder than me. He was the youngest so, of course, mom and dad kind of spoiled him.

It was real quiet around the house for the next year. Mom was able to take a whole year off from work because dad had quite a large insurance policy and she was also able to sell his plumbing company for a nice sum of money. Even though she was at home, she didn’t do much for the first six months but sleep and cry. Other than that, no one talked about him at all. It was just too hard.

After that first year things calmed down a little. I had to pick up the slack and help mom out because I was the oldest and I knew that, just because she wasn’t acting sad anymore, she had to be miserable. She went back to work, even though we didn’t need the money, but I think it was helping her keep her mind off everything, The only problem was that she worked second shift as a nurse at St. Ann Hospital and we hardly ever saw her. I don’t think it helped my brothers frame of mind much by not having her around.

Jimmy never did bounce back. He became kind of withdrawn and walked around depressed all the time, but he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I was a senior in high school when he was a sophomore and, unfortunately, I had to witness his grades and social life start suffering. He was an A and B student all his life, but now he was struggling to make C’s. I tried so hard to help but every time I went to talk to him, he would become hostile and slam the door in my face. We used to be really close but now he just seemed like a total stranger. The worst part was, he had been playing football for five years before dad died, and he didn’t even try out for the team that year.

Eventually, he started hanging out with the wrong crowd. They were the kids that were always getting into trouble and skipping class. He even got caught smoking in the bathroom and his “so called” friends let him take the rap for all of them. Mom was too busy with work to really punish him and I think she still felt kind of sorry for him. All year long he was constantly in trouble.

The next year I went away to college at Mizzou. I argued with mom about going because I knew both her and Jimmy needed me, but. Since I was offered a full baseball scholarship, mom insisted that I go. I have to admit, even though I worried about mom and Jimmy, I had the time of my life.

Jimmy kept going downhill. He got his drivers license and mom told me he got three tickets his first month. Mom did make him get a job and pay for his insurance, but she also bought him a car, which was a huge mistake. Especially since it was a brand new mustang that she bought him. I talked to him a couple of times but it seemed like he was always mad at me. I think he was angry because he thought that I wasn’t bothered by dad’s death because I was doing so well, but I just shook it off. I was hoping that eventually he would realize that life still had to go on.

When I came home that summer, I could tell that Jimmy was on drugs. He had grown his hair out and stopped shaving. He looked like a mix between a hippy and a bum. I was really hoping that he was only smoking pot but I feared the worst. I didn’t confront him about it because I knew that he would take offense and I really didn’t want to ruin what was left of our friendship. Besides, I was pretty busy with my summer job trying to make more spending money for the next school year. I was also spending a lot of time partying with my old high school buddies.

Summer went by pretty quick that year and I was back off to Mizzou. Jimmy was a senior now. Somehow he got through his junior year without failing any classes, though he barely scraped by. He told me that he had a girlfriend now but he was still hanging out with the same people so I was sure she was into drugs also.

I got a hysterical call from mom about a week before I was supposed to come home for Christmas. Supposedly, Jimmy was out with his friends, and he was driving drunk. He got into an accident and got arrested for a DWI and possession of cocaine. I got weak when my mom told me that. I felt partially responsible because I knew he was on something, and I never confronted him or talked to him about it. Luckily, no one was hurt in the accident.

The judge sent Jimmy to a rehab center for three months. Mom and I were both really happy that he didn’t get sent to jail. Jimmy was mad at first but mom was really supporting him by saying that she would get his mustang fixed and take care of everything and that she just wanted him to get well. Mom also told him that she talked to his school and they were going to let him make up his classes and graduate over the summer so he could go to college in the fall. He wouldn’t be able to get into Mizzou because of his grades but he was planning on going to Southwest Missouri State University.

I tried to write him as much as possible but my time was limited because I had joined a fraternity and we were required to attend all of the parties. Between parties and studying, my days were pretty much filled. He didn’t send a letter to me or mom for a month and a half. Finally, when he did write, he told us that he was doing much better. He said that for the first month he was angry most of the time but we kind of expected that. He told us that he had been thinking a lot about the way things happened and it seemed like he really wanted to change.

When Jimmy got out of rehab it was almost time for spring break. When I saw him, he looked and acted completely different. He was clean shaven, he had his hair cut and was actually smiling. He looked like an older, grown up version of the little brother I had when dad was still alive. I was so happy to see him changed. We started getting close again just like we were before. I was only there for the week but I truly believed that the new Jimmy was there to stay.

That summer we were like best friends. He was finishing his high school work and I was working as a painter. We hung out most of the time on the weekends. We were pretty much inseparable. Mom seemed to finally be at peace, which was also a relief. I would take Jimmy to parties with me but he wouldn’t ever drink, which was great because he was always the sober driver.

One night, a few days before Jimmy had graduated, we went out to a party at my girlfriend’s house. Jimmy, of course, wasn’t drinking but the rest of us were. We both drove that night because I went there right after work and Jimmy met up with us later on. The party was a blast. There was even a cute girl that was all over Jimmy all night.

Around midnight, Jimmy told me that he was kind of tired and said he was going to grab a bite to eat and head home. I told him I would catch a ride later and told him to go ahead. Me, my girlfriend and a couple of friends all decided to go to a bar. I was the least drunk so I agreed to drive and we all piled into the car. There were six of us in the car, but we weren’t going very far.

I guess I was driving too fast and paying more attention to my friends that the road. We were about two miles from the club, right in front of a McDonalds when the accident happened. I didn’t see the car coming and it was dark so I couldn’t even see what kind of car it was that we hit., Luckily, no one was hurt in my car.

When I got out of the car to see if the other driver was alright, I was finally able to see that the car I hit was a newer model Ford Mustang. I ran over to see if anyone was hurt and when I got there I realized that the other driver was dead, and it was my little brother Jimmy. I screamed at the top of my lungs and tried to revive him but it was too late.

I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what happened. My brother was a great kid and he didn’t even get a chance to graduate high school. I cant believe I killed my best friend. It should’ve been me. That’s why I’m here tonight. Hello, my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic.”

 

Reviews

[Star Catcher]

That is sad. I saw the tragic ending coming, but when you ended with "Hello, my name is Jeff and I'm an alcoholic," that really blew me away. Nice job.