The pirate ship

Victory Squad, under the leadership of Lieutenant Cornish, is tasked with retrieving stolen cargo from a pirate gang in the Lawless Voids - the criminal haven of the Milky Way.

2311 (or thereabouts)

I pierced a pirate`s eye once.

I fail to remember when it was, nor do I remember where. But it happened during a surprise attack on one of their trafficking ships. Us attacking pirates was a rarity, as scum like them were way below our concerns. Only these were different. An annoyance? A threat? It didn`t matter. Their attempts at raiding our supply lines had to stop, and that`s why the crew and I were sent to deal with the situation.

In the morning earlier that day, I stood on the bridge admiring the gleaming stars in the empty void. The voices of the crew: the navigators, the captain and some of our admirals had become background noise. On the few of them that came back as reflections from the windows, I could see their lips moving. I could hear their mouths shaping and uttering words, but I couldn`t get a hold on what they were saying. Because that`s what they were, just some background noise. That`s one of the consequences you`ll have to take responsibility for when you`re a daydreamer, that you fail to catch on when someone`s addressing you. Lieutenant. What was that? Lieutenant? Is someone talking to me? Lieutenant, is everything okay? Once I understood the answer to my question was “yes”, I turned around to see one of my crew with a tablet in his hands.

It contained information about the pirates, their crimes and their whereabouts (which I don`t recall) and a single order. Eliminate the pirates at all costs and retrieve the stolen cargo if possible. And I told the crew, not just on the bridge, but on the speaker so the whole ship could hear me. “We`ll have them by the end of the day.”

As it happens, the effectiveness of the crew made me stay true to my words. After hours of flying in the black, sparkly sea, we located a ship. She hovered about fifteen minutes away from us in the north, and she matched the description provided by the tablet. She was a three-story ship that had its hull painted in a crimson-like colour. Scans made by our navigators also showed she didn`t have any kinetic barriers activated, meaning we could cut through their armour at will.

So, overwhelm them with the superiority of our cannons and blast them into tiny chunks of metal, then? Well, no. As the tablet mentioned, we were to reclaim the cargo they`d stolen if the opportunity presented itself. Meaning we had to board.

We flew up next them " our broadside on the port facing the back of their ship. Our cannons targeted its engines and hammered them with grapeshot until they broke. She attempted to turn around to give us a hard time with her broadside too, but we crippled her before she even had a chance.

As I went to get my weapons and body armour, our gangways attached themselves to the holes we`d made when disabling the engines. Once I stepped out in the hall our gangways had extended from with my equipment ready, the crew already boarded her, fighting like a pack of wolves. The sight blocked by thick smoke, the painful noise of automatic guns and the occasional blasts of shotguns going off. It didn`t take long before I was a part of it too, an assault rifle in my hands and a sidearm firmly placed in a holster hanging from my waist. Three of them attempted to best me, and the first was an easy kill. I aimed my gun and sent him pounding to the floor with a third eye. The last pair required extra work as they ran for cover as soon as their friend had fallen. Extra work indeed, but it wasn`t impossible, after grabbing the attention of some of the crew by waving my hand, I pointed at my rifle and thereafter at the generator those scum used as cover. Sharp as they were, bullets began snapping the machinery shortly after, and I exploited this by circling around, completely exposing them. Dhack! Dhack! Dhack! Both were sent to join the first attacker with blood splashing from their faces.

After confirming they were dead, I checked the magazine to make sure it wouldn`t run out. Once I learned the mag would last a little longer, I led a squad of five deeper inside the ship to find its captain. We fought our way through the corridors till we reached the elevator, and took it to the third floor. The target was on the bridge, obviously, which suited our situation. There was only one way to get in and out. They were trapped like animals in a cage.

We placed a charge on the door and blew it as soon as our backs faced the walls next to it. The group rushed inside with me at the tip of the spear, the triggers of our weapons pulled without hesitation. It was like a domino effect, right after the first fell, the second fell, and after the second died, a third of their crew went KIA. This progress lasted until the captain himself entered the fight. The b*****d had snuck around us; perhaps he used the terminals and computers as cover? I will never know, but what I do know is that the donkey smashed a chair on my head. The helmet absorbed the most of the pain, but regardless, I lost my balance and fell. And before I got up, a foot found itself on my back that pressed my chest against the floor. I tried to resist, constantly grunting as I attempted to get loose, but to no avail. Two gunshots echoed through the room, and two of my best men sagged downwards like a pair of sinking ships rightly after. 

That`s when Simon Berg caught notice, and turned around to see the enemy crew`s captain pointing his gun at me. I wanted the captain alive, but in retrospect, I came to respect the corporal`s decision. His forefinger pulled the firing mechanism. The bluish gas of the plasma emerged from his rifle as the captain flattened next to me, his scream almost piercing my ears.

As the man already suffered fatal injuries, I decided to kill him was be the best solution. That`s why I bent over to him with a knife in my hand. The idea was to slit his throat, but my arm slipped as my knife was about to make contact. Instead of stabbing his throat, it pierced his eye. Making a squishy sound just before the man continued to scream.

A shadow appeared on the captain that made me look over my shoulder. Simon stood looking over us now, with his gun at the ready. He didn`t hesitate, and the captain stopped breathing because of it. I`ve got to admit, I wanted to get that b*****d alive, but the operation was a success nonetheless. I`d gladly go through the loss of the enemy captain and two of my crew in exchange for the elimination of a pirate ship. About Private Daniels and Private Jackson " the two shot in the head by the captain. It might seem a little cold to say that I`d gladly sacrifice them for victory, but that`s the reality of war. You`re going to lose people. Friends, family, partners, it comes with being a Marine. My father, Vice Admiral Mark Stuart Cornish was the one who taught me how to deal with such losses. I think he saved me in a lot of ways.

A hand patted my shoulder. It turned out to be Simon`s arm reaching out for me.

“Need a hand, Nicole?”

“Yes, thank you, Corporal.” 

Author's Note

This is the early stages for a possible first chapter to a possible novel. That`s why all kinds of feedback are welcome. However, I`m most interested in hearing whether this is a first chapter that would make you interested enough to keep reading if this was a finished book. If not, then I`d love to get some criticism on that subject! :)

Reviews

[Shannon]

Opening: Character feels a bit arrogant or self important. Not a terrible thing, but thought it worth mentioning.

I like the variety of your sentence lengths and your use of fragments.

There are a few places where wordiness might interrupt the flow of words. I'll highlight a few (this is something I find challenging):

Only these were different
that`s why the crew and I were sent to deal with the situation.
In the morning earlier that day,
And I told the crew,
After confirming they were dead, I checked the magazine to make sure it wouldn`t run out.
I tried to resist, constantly grunting as I attempted to get loose,
It turned out to be Simon`s arm reaching out for me.

Awkward sentences:
On the few of them that came back as reflections from the windows, I could see their lips moving.
As it happens, the effectiveness of the crew made me stay true to my words.
the helmet absorbed the most of the pain, but regardless, I lost my balance and fell.
As the man already suffered fatal injuries, I decided to kill him was be the best solution.
Extra work indeed, but it wasn`t impossible, after grabbing the attention of some of the crew by waving my hand, I pointed at my rifle and thereafter at the generator those scum used as cover.

I love the revelation that he is daydreaming, not dismissing his people!

Enjoy Black sparkly sea, hovered...

The barriers and hull well said

Following him and the progression of the boarding interesting. Might need some more visuals here, expressions, feelings, rather than simply account the events. What did the pirates look like?

Like this: The bluish gas of the plasma emerged from his rifle as the captain flattened next to me, his scream almost piercing my ears.

You'll note above I assumed “he” throughout. I reviewed as I read to give you real time feedback. The “Nicole” a pleasant surprise. Upon second reading, I agree with all my comments, but like the end better, because I made assumptions, but you did not write a particularly male character.

A few things if this is to be a book, which i think it has the potential to be, for sure. You need to use this expedition to create the world we are in more fully. What do things look like, who is the military, what is going on in the universe besides military and pirates. Are there civilians? Are there aliens? How do they survive the breech without a shield in space? You don't have to tell us all in the first chapter, but I feel we needed a bit more orientation.

Please note, that I enjoyed this piece, I simply saw it needed some polishing and know that you wanted significant feedback on it. All my thoughts are just my opinion, please only take what works for you and disregard the rest. Let me know if you have further questions.

Well conceived, excellent cliffhanger.

[Daniel-Andre]

Thank you for the excellent feedback!

About the sentences, thanks for pointing them out. I realized already in advance that I`ve got to do a lot of rewriting before I can call it the first chapter of a book, but seeing them like this makes it easier to root them out. Thanks!

As for the main character. She is in fact a bit arrogant and self important. She`s also a racist towards the other alien species in the Milky Way, and as it happens, she`ll be forced to work with them in the future. The plan is that she`s going to evolve past this by the end, kind of like a morale behind the book.

As for more visuals and feelings. Count on it, I`ll give it a look and do some rewriting on that as well, totally agree.

As for the lore in itself, this chapter is meant to merely serve as a "hook" to make readers interested enough to continue reading. As it happens, some expedition on humanity`s place in the Milky Way will reflect itself in the main character`s words in the next chapter. And more lore will follow in the next chapters as well. :)

Don`t worry, that`s covered. There will in fact be alien species as well, and they will function as vital components to the story. If I manage to follow it through of course. Writing a book is hard and I`m just 18 so no arrogance.

Correct me if I`m wrong, but the revelation of the main character as a female at the end was something you liked?

Thank you for this review, great job!

[Shannon]

Yes, I liked the end and liked it better when I reread and realized that you had written a character where this was plausible. In other words, it did not feel random, just surprising.
Story telling takes practice, I am assuming more so in your second language. Those sentences aren't incorrect, for the most part, they just don't feel comfortable in the story.

Look forward to reading more.