New Untitled Beginnings

newest work

Daytime streetlight manifestations haunt my eyesight every moment so i suffer in silence. 

My world is so much smaller.

Getting paper cuts from letters in the past, ex's making no sense knowing it wouldn't last. 

I find your words are getting harder to swallow, but what do you expect, lies do that to me, they choke me up.

Way to many drunken lullaby's ruined us long before the too late apologies.  

I'm in too deep I don't want, but need to, escape. 

It's all my fault, I gave you no reasons, I'm leaving like we never knew each other at all. 

I cannot live the rest of my life caring for somebody else other then myself, call me selfish. 

Treating you like a victim and pressing my life forward just to please and give you the things I didn't want for a second time.

Like wine only time and the rolling of the tides can tell you wether its fine.

Emotionally and deliberately damaging is what's caused by you trying to manage me.

Trying to escape by reading about reading about escaping. 

Like a sad sad song by the time you try to analyze the beginning the meaning and me are already gone.

The thievery by you of my mental capacity leaves me cleaning my thoughts with a fine tooth comb, knowledge is power so thanks for reminding me.

I see her face but cant remember her voice and the lack of memories makes me weep. 

Teary eyed late night repetitive screams from everyone telling me I have so much more potential then what I am to now be. 

Tired so tired, battered and broken, down and out, oh how the flesh is weak.

The voices are so demanding, is it to much to ask for peace.

Arguing with myself over the morals I'm not so sure i have.

A conscience decision about trying to come to grips with the fact that my conscience is negligent.

Is me leaving so much more hurtful then staying around with untrue feelings and faith that one day we'll be o.k.

We've tried and we've tried, it just wasn't meant to last or work this time....

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

You want honest? I got it babe.
Daytime and streelight clash. Streetlights are distinct only at night. Also, it's phonetically stuttering.

My world is so much smaller."
Explain. It's such a big topic. Second paragraph. It's own indent in one line. Very noticeable, and very unanswered IMHO.

It's verbose at times. My revision?

"My world is reduced to paper cuts from past love notes, the ex making nonsense over a relationship that wouldn't last."
My version draws the correlation from the world small thing. It is concise, and you don't have to say it with that many extra words. YOu just can't afford clutter. Especially in a piece of this size and caliber.

"Way to many drunken lullaby's" needs an extra "o" in "to".

Run-on and comma splices respectively:"I'm in too deep I don't want, but need to, escape.

It's all my fault, I gave you no reasons, I'm leaving like we never knew each other at all. "

"Like a sad sad song by the time you try to analyze the beginning the meaning and me are already gone."

me are?

maybe a comp glitch. typo sorta deal.

"wether its fine." it's "whether it's fine".

This next line has a comma splice and weird syntax. Actually, I'm fairly certain it's erroneous with preps and in deficit of a possessive."The thievery by you of my mental capacity leaves me cleaning my thoughts with a fine tooth comb, knowledge is power so thanks for reminding me."

"I see her face but cant remember her voice and the lack of memories makes me weep.