A Changing Heart

  I was having the dream again, the Iraqi missing the top of his head. It was all black, I was blind and I couldn’t see him. Any minute the man would tip his head and his brains would spill out on my face. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even turn my head so I could see him. I hated not seeing him; it had always made the dream so much worse. If could tilt my head back slightly, if I could just get my head back a little more maybe I could yell at the man to leave me alone. My arms were frozen and I couldn’t find my legs, I started to scream.

   ‘Conner! Conner, wake up baby! Baby please wake up. Look at me Conner, focus right here! Look here at my eyes baby.’

  I could hear my love, if I could focus on her, the man with the top of his head missing couldn’t grab me and dump is brains on me.

   ’Focus Conner, can you see me? Please baby!’ my love pleaded.

  Her voice was so pretty. If I could I only open my eyes, it would be so much better than this blackness. But when I could see again all I could see is blood pouring on my face. I was screaming, I knew it was me, but it seemed so far away. The blood burned my body, I had to be in hell. Nothing I had ever felt, felt this bad. I was still screaming, but why did I have to scream? I knew it would upset the love that was calling my name.

  I was lying on my back; my tears had washed the blood out of my eyes. I tried to hold back the screams, but when I looked up; there standing over me was the man with the top of his head missing all I could do was screamed. He was standing on my on my chest, he looked so sad standing there. He tilted his head above me and his brains slid out of his head and it fell on my face. When it hit me

I felt a jolt, then blackness.

   

   ‘Don’t you f*****g think about!’

  In the time that I’ve been here in Iraq, I’ve pointed my weapon at Iraqis countless times. I’ve pointed it at old men, women with propane tanks, and a crazy old bat with a cane. But this was different, this man had a pistol. I was looking right into his eyes, as I yelled at him I raised my weapon. I couldn’t believe the things that were going through my head. The first thing I thought of was my wife.

  The way she felt when I touched her, the way her face looked in candle light. I thought about sitting in my front yard back home with my dad. My hands, that could be gentle enough to hold a small child, were the same hands that were about to end a life.

   ’Drop that f*****g gun or I’ll f*****g kill you!’

  God! I hate this place! He’s not going to drop it; I can see it in his eyes. There were Iraqis all over the place. I hated markets, there’s always so many people. A s**t load of women, damn rock throwing little kids and here I am about to kill a person right here in front all of them.

  I was ten feet away from my truck. I was between this guy and my gunner. My gunner couldn’t help me, with me in between them it turned this whole thing into a Wild West show down. I was faster on the draw, and he was going to raise his pistol. If the jack-a*s would just turn and run I wouldn’t even bother to chase him, it was too hot and it was too early.

  I wasn’t even looking down my sights at him. I didn’t need too; he was only twenty feet from me. All the Iraqis were starting to clear out from around him.

As he started to raise his pistol, I just gritted my teeth. Everything became so quite, my wife’s face flashed across my mind. I fired; I think I fired three times. I know I heard the shots, but I didn’t feel my weapon kick. I just saw him go down.

  He went straight down in a heap; he didn’t look like something from the movies.

In the movies they flew back words, or waved their arms, or made a horrible face.

As I fired my eyes never left his, he just looked surprised.

  It was like he had this show down all settled in his mind. Like he would kill me and would become someone’s champion. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind I would shoot him first.

  I took five or six steps quickly to my left; I didn’t want to be between this man and my gunner. My truck was the first of three trucks, so by moving left I wouldn’t be blocking the second truck’s gunner. It’s funny; we move without a second thought of others sectors of fire.

  I took a knee keeping my weapon raised on the guy, no one saw what happened.

It happened too quickly, a panic that spread through the patrol. My buddies heard me yell, and fire. The Iraqis ran away from us. It’s impressive how quickly a city block could empty once we stared shooting. Stupid Iraqis, they never take us serious. They think we’re out here bullshitting, that we’re here f*****g around for are health. But man once someone shoots, like roaches when the light comes on.

That’s all she wrote. Stupid Iraqis. Stupid Iraq. Stupid army. Man I hate this f*****g place.

  ‘Steele…what the f**k?!’ That was the Lieutenant. His face melted. Blood pored out of his empty eye sockets. His ears slid down the front of his body armor.

  ‘Son of a b***h pulled a pistol!’ I said.

  The LT came up and took a knee right next to me. Melted flesh and blood went everywhere. Sgt Rick and Sgt Tanish both came up from their trucks. Sgt Rick had a combat life saver bag. Staff Sergeant Rick, he was the section sergeant. I’m so glad I’m not on his truck. He’s such a*****e, a bully that picks on anyone that he out ranks. Sgt. Tanish is cool, he knows his s**t. We don’t get along to well, but

I trust him almost as much as I do the platoon sergeant. There’s isn’t much I wouldn’t do for Sgt. Tanish, as long as he didn’t bust my balls to much. Now Sgt.

Rick on the other hand, I wouldn’t piss on his face if his head was on fire. Well that’s not true; I don’t think I wouldn’t pass up a chance to piss on his face.

  LT. Mann was cool, a West Pointer, twenty three years old and dumb as rocks.

But that was okay, he knew it, so he let the NCOs do their thing. Sgt Rick rolled the Iraqi over onto his back to start treating his wounds. I’ll never understand a war that you have to treat the people that you shot that were trying to kill you.

But whatever, nothing in this place makes sense. Stupid Iraqis. Sgt Tanish ran up to the LT and me.

   ’Steele, what the f**k?’ asked Sgt Tanish.

   ’He pulled a pistol.’

 Sgt Tanish never seemed to stress at anything, even when his arms fell off right there in front of me. It seemed like his mind could run in about nine different directions at once. Why didn’t he pick up his arms I thought?

   ’Sgt Rick?’ asked Sgt Tanish.

   ’Dead.’ Sgt Rick responded.

   ’LT, need you to get on the horn with Eagle X-ray, give them a sit-rep on what has happen. Tell them we need QRF out here now. Got it?’

   ’Sit-rep to X-ray, get QRF out here, got it. What about our other section?’

   ‘Don’t worry about it; they’ll hear it over the net. But I’ll have my gunner get on platoon net and make sure they head this way.’

  He yelled to Hall, his gunner to get the rest of the platoon here and went over to

Sgt. Rick. The LT went back to our truck and got on the net. As the LT ran back to the truck I could see a trail of blood.

  I looked at Sgt. Rick; he looked like he had been skinned alive under his helmet. I could see all of his veins and muscles in his face. He didn’t even have eyelids.  

I closed my eyes, and then I looked at the man I had just shot. It was the man with the top of his head missing. He stood up and started walking towards me. I was still kneeling there on the ground, I watched him approach me and I couldn’t move. I tried to look away, and as soon as I did I went blind. I looked back at him and started to scream. He walked up to me and tipped his head and the blood started poring on me. I screamed.

   ’Conner!’

  I was in blackness; I could hear my love again. I was in a living hell, a nightmare.

And I burned, my stomach was sour. I was afraid I wouldn’t die. I was afraid I was dead and I would never be alive again, for the rest of eternity this was my fate.

   ’Conner baby please, please stop screaming and look at me, I’m begging you.’

  My love was sobbing. I could hear her; I tried to push everything out of my mind. I could almost see her. Through the darkness I could just make out her eyes, they were red. They were my beautiful girl’s eyes, Gloria. She was here with me in death. No I wanted to yell at her, I couldn’t let her stay with me in this death.

   ’NO! Gloria you have to get away! Don’t let it take you like it’s taking me!’

   ’CONNER!’ Gloria shrieked. ’Baby look at me!’

  Gloria grabbed the sides of my face and pulled my head up off the ground. She looked right in my eyes. It was night time. The last thing I could remember it was day time.

   ’Stay with me Conner, okay? Stay with me.’

   ’Gloria, am I alive or am I dead? I can’t tell.’

   ’You’re alive baby, you’re alive. You’re dreaming I think. Do you know where you are? What’s happening to you?

   ’Gloria! Where are you? I can’t see you?!’

  She was gone, my darling, my love. The pain was everywhere, I could see the pain, and it looked like a court jester. There was a few of them, they were strangely dressed.

  They had knives in their hands they would dance around me and stab me in the eyes. My screams filled my head; I could see my screams fly out from my mouth, they would shoot up like the wind. There above me they would swirl around and turn to vultures, then they would fly back down and pick at my flesh and I would scream. The jesters would laugh and dance, they would dance over me and stabbed me in the eyes over and over again.

  Every time I would scream the vultures would come, the jesters would mutilate me and the vulture would eat my flesh. They would do this to me till the world stopped and fell into the nothingness of space.

  ’Gloria?’ I had awoken to a world of pain.

  I could still feel where the vultures picked at me. My eye hurt so bad, stupid jesters.

  ’Gloria are you there?’

  It was so bright. I knew I was alive because I was in so much pain. I was too tired to scream. Every time I screamed the vultures would come.

   ’Conner? Baby, can you see me?’

  Gloria looked so tired. I couldn’t tell if what I was seeing was real, or the delirium of the waking nightmare. I had been in Iraq I think, it was my first tour. I had killed my first man, but he had turned into the nightmare man missing the top of his head.

   ’I can see you, what’s happening to me? I feel like I’m in hell, am I dead?’

   I could see I was in the mountains, it was cool outside. I was lying on the ground. There were trees all around me. Where was the wild life? I couldn’t hear the bugs. Gloria was kneeling beside me.

   ’You’re not dead baby. Can‘t you remember what happened?’

  I hurt so much. I was so tired; I was so tired and thirsty.

   ’I’m thirsty.’ 

  Gloria held a large bottle of water up to my mouth to drink. It tasted like algae, it made my stomach sour. I closed my eyes; I could feel my stomach twisting. The water was nice on my throat, but my stomach was in such pain I don’t think I could ever drink water again. I vomited; it got all over my face. I didn’t have the strength to move my head when I had gotten sick. I felt like I was going to choke.

   ’Oh baby.’

  Gloria sounded heartbroken. I heard cloth tearing, she turned my head to the side and I choked the vomit out of my throat. She washed my face with the water and wiped it with cloth rag.

   ’What wrong with me?’ I pleaded ’Why won’t I die?’

   ’Conner don’t you remember? You were pointed at a bird and accidentally hit me in the mouth. You were cut; I infected you with my venom. You’re changing into a vampire. Baby I’m so sorry.’

  That’s right I could remember, now that she reminded me. I had cut the back of my hand on her bottom teeth. I grabbed my hand and we looked into each others eyes, she told me she was sorry.

   ’How much longer till I’m changed?’

   ’I don’t know Conner; it’s been a little over a day and half. You’re still very much human. Your eyes are still blue; your heart rate is still steady. Your skin is still very human like. I can still see the scare on your face.’

   ’I thought it took you like two and a half days?’

   ’It did. I don’t know what’s wrong.’

  I could feel the darkness coming on. Then pain spun in my head.

   ’Gloria, don’t let them stab me in the eyes any more please? How it hurts when they do.’

  Darkness.    

   ‘Steele, when you’re done rainbow gazing get your a*s over here.’

  Stupid a*s Sgt. Rick. I got off my knee and walked over to him. The man I had shot was hit three times. The throat, the chest and the thigh. The bullet that hit him in the throat left a hole about the size of the end of a pencil, but it had blown most of the back his neck off. It had destroyed his spine. The bullet that struck him in the chest had hit him right below the left collar bone. The third was a light graze in the thigh.

   ’Guess what? He an Iraqi police officer.’

  As he spoke, Sgt. Rick’s mouth started drooping like syrup out of a bottle. His chin dropped on to the ground. His face slowly turned inside out. I screamed.

  The vultures were there instantly. I was alone in the dark, I was naked. I could see slightly and I was surrounded by bodies in clear body bags, they were stacked like cord wood. I could hear babies crying, it broke my heart. This was the left over’s of war, why did babies have to be crying here with the stacked bodies? The vultures were picking at me. I tried to cry from the sorrow and the pain, but I couldn’t. When I opened my mouth, flies flew out of my mouth and I choked.

   ’Gloria? Can you hear me?’

  I couldn’t see. No, I could see, it was night time.

   ’Baby I’m right here. I’m holding your hand.’

   ’I can’t see you. Oh Gloria, I hurt so much, please kill me. Please, I can’t bear this. Please I don’t want to go back, don’t let them take me. Gloria? Where are you?’

   ’I’m right here baby, can’t you feel my holding your hand?’

   ’No.’

  I tried to choke down the sob in my throat. I could hardly move, I didn’t know much time had passed, I was afraid to ask.

  Gloria’s was right in front of my eyes. She was like my angel and I could still see

her. She was clear, when the world around her was dark.

   ‘Gloria, are you there?’

   ‘I’m here.’

   ‘Gloria, why can’t I move?’

   ‘Because you’re changing now, I can see it. How are you doing, you hanging in there?’

   ‘When I’m here all I have is your face and the pain. But when I’m in Iraq, I’m so frighten.’

   ‘Conner, listen to me,’ Gloria grabbed the back of my neck and twisted my head so I could see right into her eyes,

   ‘Remember, no matter where you go I have you by the hand baby. Nothing you see is really but me. Do you understand? You’re not in Iraq, none of it is real, you here with me.’

   ‘What time is it?’ I asked, I couldn’t stand this any longer.

   ‘It’s right before dawn. You’ve been changing for almost two days.’

  I closed my eyes, and fell back into the darkness.

  I was awake, But I wasn’t conscience. How did this happen? I tried to think back.

I remember being in the shower with Gloria. Her beautiful naked body in the low light. We were surrounded with steam from the shower. I had picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist and locked her ankle together behind my back. I could feel her privates on my stomach. The thought of that made me burn inside, we kiss so passionately. She had to stop, she would have hurt me. Now

I’m in the darkness burning, bleeding. My eyes hurt so bad, I was afraid to open my eyes. The jesters would come and stab me. Maybe if I tried, I could go back to how I got here. Maybe I could stop myself from hitting her in the mouth.

   It was my idea to come here, I told her there was this lake. It was off the I-90 Freeway, about an hour from Seattle. It was on the Denny creek trail. It was like a four and a half mile hike to this lake I loved. Lake Malakwa, it was a beautiful lake. It was surrounded by mountains. The water was very clear, very blue. I had hiked here with my dad as a child. I hadn’t been up here in years, not sense before the army.

  Gloria marveled when we stood under the freeway, about a mile or so into the hike you went under the western lanes of I-90. The eastern lanes were about two or three miles to the south. The free way was elevated about a hundred feet in the air there. The trail went under the freeway and snaked up a valley between two mountains. The vegetation was amazingly thick, the trees were so high.

  Gloria looked like someone out of a sporting magazine. She was wearing little cargo shorts, they were classic Gloria, very short. She was wearing a white T-shirt. She had her Mariners baseball cap on. She had these tiny little hiking boots with bright red laces. She had her sun glasses resting on the bill of her hat.

She wasn’t wearing her contacts, which I was happy about. I loved her eyes. I told her that every time I saw them, I never grew tired of complementing Gloria.

  She had convinced me that she was going to carry my backpack. I had some stuff in there to eat, a roll of toilet paper and some baby wipes. I had a first aid kit, and three one liter bottles of water. Gloria didn’t need the water, so I figured a bottle up the mountain, a bottle while I was at the lake and another back down.

That’s one thing the army had taught me, drink water.

  I thought it silly that she should carry my pack, but she wouldn’t get tired. She could put five hundred pounds in it and it wouldn’t matter to her. The pack only weighed about twenty five pounds, but at this altitude even that could wear you out after awhile. Gloria though I was being foolish for carrying my .357 magnum in a shoulder holster. She had asked why I thought I needed it and I told her because carrying a fire arm in the woods was about the same as wearing boots to me. I was dressed in my army fatigues, plus being in the mountains? How could you not carry a gun? I told her it was a guy thing, she just shook her head.

  We took a break at what I liked to call the half way point. The trail wound on the left of a small ravine. There was a small waterfall on the far side of the ravine.

There was a nice log on the side of the trail to sit on and look at the waterfall.

  I could still remember the conversation we had on the log, Gloria had sat right next to me. She had pulled the backpack off and took a digital camera out and took a picture of the little waterfall. She stood up and took a picture of me. I scowled at her. Gloria laughed at the look on my face.

   ’Such a serious face, don’t tell me you don’t like your picture taken Conner.’

  Gloria was standing by the edge of the ravine across from me. She had her hands on her hips and was looking at me like she was angry. But I could see she was trying not to laugh.

   ’Gloria could you come away from the edge please? You’re making me nervous.’

  She laughed, ’It’s not like I’m going to fall, but if it will keep you from frowning

I’ll move.’

  Gloria looked up the path and put her sunglasses on, people must be coming.

She came back over and sat on the log beside me. After a few minutes a couple came down the pathway, they looked like classic Washington hikers. Everything they had looked like it was right out of the camping catalog. Gloria popped up and said hello to them and asked if they could take our picture. The couple saw that I was armed and looked nervous. I tried not to smile to big, didn’t want to frighten them.

  Gloria was standing in the path in front of them which left them stuck close to me. The girl figured the best way for them to get away from us was to take the picture. Gloria handed them the camera and bounced over to me she stood behind me and rapped her cool arms around my neck she put her face against mine with a huge smile.

   ’You better smile Conner!’

  The girl took the pick and Gloria retrieved the camera to look at the picture of us. The couple took off down the mountain before Gloria was able to ask for a second picture. She was the vampire and I was the one they were afraid of, dumb asses.

  Gloria came and sat beside me again and showed me the picture. She was really excited about the picture, but I couldn’t see it. It was too bright outside for the light of the screen to be seen by my eyes, Gloria didn’t buy it. I had told her that as long as she like the picture, that’s all I cared about. I didn’t care what I looked like, and I knew she looked amazing, so what did I need to see the picture for?

  I stood and stretched, it was still early. We had left the apartment about seven that morning. We had got to the trail head a little after eight, and we’ve been hiking about an hour and a half and I was ready to get to the lake and chill.

  As I got up I saw an owl fly down in the ravine. He had flown from my left to my right. I loved birds, and seeing an owl out here in the daytime was a treat. I was so excited; I quickly point at it with my right hand and yell for Gloria to come and see. I turn and was a little careless with my hand. Gloria was so quick when I jumped up on seeing the bird I hadn’t seen that she was beside me, when I turned to asked if she had seen the bird I hit Gloria in the mouth with the back of my hand she was trying to take a picture of the bird and for once wasn’t paying attention.

  When I was a small child I took a light bulb out of a lamp and stuck my finger in the lamp and turn it on. The lamp gave me a hell of a wallop, Gloria’s bottom teeth felt like the lamp. I yanked my hand back and grabbed it with my other hand.

   ’Son of a b***h!’ I grumbled to myself, ‘Are you okay honey?’ I asked rubbing my hand.

  Gloria look mortified.

   ‘Let me see your hand!’ she shrieked.

  She was standing right in front of me. She pulled my hand up by the wrist to get a better look at my hand.

   ‘Damn look at that, I scratched myself pretty good didn’t I?’

  I could see panic setting in on Gloria’s face.

   ‘Don’t worry about it Gloria, I brought a first aid kit with us, it’s in my bag.’

   ‘Conner, my venom!’

  My eyes shot down at the cut. There was a little blood coming out of the scratch.

I looked up into Gloria’s eyes, and then I understood. The venom was inside of me. In the next few days, I would be a brand new vampire. Gloria looked at me and said,

   ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t want this for you Conner, I would have kept you human. To live one life, I’m so sorry.’

  Right then, my handed started to cramp horribly. It had started.

  ‘We have to get off the path, get deeper into the mountains.’ I said, ‘Once we get to the top of the mountain, the lake’s to the right. If we keep going down the back side of the mountain there’s nothing around for miles.’

  Squeezing my cut hand with my other, I turned and headed up the path. If my memory served me true, this was the part of the hike was the more difficult. I could hear Gloria behind me. Gloria had reached up and placed a hand in my lower back to let me know she was here if I needed her.

  The burning and cramping in my hand was getting worse by the minute. It was getting to the point that Gloria had to steady me on the path. It felt as if we had been walking for hours, but I knew these mountains well enough to know we were still a good two miles out from the lake.

   The part of the hike I was dreading was towards the top of the mountain.

Towards the top, there were steep switch backs. Then the trail turns south for about a quarter of a mile to the lake.

  The cramp in my hand was excruciating. I couldn’t open my hand, my finger were stuck curled up like claws in a loose fist. The scratch was now dark purple.

Blood poisoning lines were shooting out from the wound all over my hand. I was starting to get cramps up into my forearm. I had a horrible knot in my stomach. I had to stop and rest. We were walking along side a rock face, the sun was shining on us and it was killing my eyes.

   I stopped and leaned against the rock face. Gloria could see that my eyes were hurting, so she handed me her sunglasses. Gloria reached out for my poisoned hand. She grimmest at the sight of it, she was on the verge of panic. She looked into my eyes, Gloria’s sanity was walking the edge of a knife and she had one foot on a banana peel.

   ‘Gloria, can I have some water please?’

  Gloria pulled the backpack off and pulled out one of the bottles of water. She took the cap off and handed it to me.

   ‘Thank you.’

  I took a couple of big drinks. I thought I could feel the water hitting my stomach.

I turned my head a vomited. I thought I would vomit up my toes, I handed the water bottle back to Gloria. I didn’t think I wanted to try the water a second time.

Gloria placed the bottle back in the pack and returned the pack to her back.

   ‘Conner, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I should do. What can I do to help you?’

  I looked at my watch, it was ten after ten. It was hard to think.

   ‘Well, we can’t go back home, from what I remember from your story, we have to stay away from people, we can’t risked someone seeing me like this. I just want to get some place where no one will hear me while I’m changing.’

  The pain was in my shoulder now. The blood poisoning lines had spread to the middle of my forearm.

   ‘Can you still walk?’

   ‘I think so, let’s get moving.’

I was fading fast. I didn’t know how much more I could walk; we had just hit the switch backs. Gloria had an arm around my waist; I had my good arm over her shoulders. I had most of my weight on her. Gloria was carrying me more then anything. I think she was going to suffer me walking as long as I was willing to keep trying.

   I was finished though, I was starting to see stuff. We hadn’t gotten over the mountain yet, but I could see that we were getting close. I tried to look at my watch, but there was a film over my eyes that made it impossible for me to see it.

   ‘Gloria, I need to sit please, I can’t go on.’

   ‘I got you Conner’

   Gloria scooped me up in her arms. We must have looked ridiculous, my six foot two, two hundred pound frame being carried in the arms of a five foot tall girl. It felt like we were flying. Gloria didn’t wait a second, she was running so fast. I was dead weight in her arms. She was maneuvering though and around the different tree branches. Not a single one had touched me, nor had she jolted me in the slightest. I was in and out of consciousness.

  It had seemed like we had run for hours, Gloria didn’t turn to the south at the top of the mountain, and she went straight down the other side into the next valley.

The living nightmare had started; looking back behind us I could see the jesters chasing us. I didn’t want Gloria to stop; the jesters would catch us if we did. Their faces looked evil and hateful. Their only desire was to torment me, I wished that

Gloria would outrun them but no matter how fast she ran they were always twenty or thirty yards behind us.

  When Gloria set me down the jesters were gone, I looked around for them. I was afraid it was a trick of theirs; I was in so much pain. I was having spasms running through my back and legs. I felt as if I needed to vomit again, but nothing would come. I thought maybe I should drink some water, maybe it would help the sourness in my stomach pass, then I thought about how painful it was the last time I did and changed my mind. The darkness came again, then I was alone.

  When I was aware, thinking about Gloria helped keep the monsters away. I opened my eyes.

   ’Conner? Can you hear me baby?’

  I couldn’t find my voice. I was so week. I tried to focus on Gloria’s face; the pain that was ravaging my body throbbed like when you would hit your thumb with a hammer on a blistering cold day. I could feel my heart beating. It felt like it was pumping razor blades threw my veins. The spasms would come in waves, when they felt like they would break my bones, then burning would start. Gloria padded a wet cloth on my lips. It felt so good. I was amazed that I could find something that was soothing when I was in such pain.

   ‘Time?’ I whispered.

  Wondering on how much time had passed somehow gave me hope that this would passed. I had never met a vampire other then Gloria. Gloria had seen another out my window the night before last. So I knew there were others out there that had survived this torment. If I could just make it through this, then I would have Gloria forever and ever. I just had to get through the pain and the burning; I could do this if I could have Gloria.

   ‘It’s the middle of the night Conner.’

   I thought she had said that it was right before down. That met it was the next day. It had been almost three days. Damn it, how much longer could this go on?

The darkness came; I didn’t try to fight it. I had no fight left in me, I figured maybe if I didn’t fight the darkness it would take me into my death. Then I could be at peace. I could hear Gloria far away telling me to that she wouldn’t leave me.

The blackness won.

   Sgt. Rick, Sgt Tanish and I picked up the body of the dead Iraqi police officer. We carried him over to my truck; the LT. came over and told us that quick reaction force was on the way and that he had talked to the other section and they were right around the corner. We put the dead Iraqi on the hood of my truck; we carried dead Iraqis we killed on the hood of our trucks like some kind of prize deer. We weren’t allowed to do that on my second tour.

  It was amazing how much things had changed between the deployments. The army seemed to have gone soft over here while I was in between tours. Like many of the things that didn’t make sense out here, how could you go soft, when the war was getting worse? Stupid Iraq.

  The LT. asked Sgt. Rick what the plan was and Sgt. Rick said we needed to hang around till the other section got here, then we would get back to the F.O.B. This was going to be messy; killing a Iraqi policeman even though he wasn’t in uniform was a bad thing. One, it meant that the Iraqi police force had corrupt police officers in it which no one wanted to admit. Or I shot a police officer in cold blood without provocation, this was a s**t sandwich.

   The Lt. came up to me, ’Steele, you sure he was drawing on you?’

   ’Eh sir, we recovered a pistol didn’t we?’

   ’Yeah, but you’re sure he wasn’t pointing at anyone else?’

Was he joking? No used getting upset, the LT. knew what was coming, ’He drew on me sir.’

  All the other drivers from the section had joined us; Sgt. Rick and Tanish were standing there also. All eyes were on me, we were drawing a large crowd which was never good. All of the Iraqis were missing their eyes. They were all looking at us with empty eye sockets. I could hear murmuring from the crowd, when I looked to them. None of them had tongues in their mouths, I tried not to look. It started raining, which I thought was strange because it was the middle of the summer. It never rained here in the summer; I held my hand out trying to see the drops that I could catch on my palm. The drops were red, it was raining blood.

  I was being pecked by the vultures; I couldn’t feel it over anything else. I was in so much pain. I didn’t even notice when the jesters stabbed me. It seemed that life had become moments of darkness, then brief moments of grey. The grey was

sickly, the pain was the worst in the grey. I didn’t like the grey, but in the grey I could sometimes hear Gloria. Gloria seemed like a life time ago, I didn’t think I was dead anymore, I didn’t think like that anymore. There was no life or death; there was the pain and the pain alone. At least the dreams were gone.

 

    It suddenly seem like a great deal of time had passed. Had I been unconscious for long? I noticed the jesters had left me in peace, I didn’t see the vulture either. There seemed to be no room in my head for anything but pain. All I could see was the darkness and grey colored light. I couldn’t feel myself breathing. The only thing I could feel other then the burning, was the raging pain in my heart, it felt like it was under great strain. It was a strong heart, it wouldn’t fail me. I would focus on each beat; I willed it to keep beating. If my heart had teeth, it would be gritting from the force it took to pump the blood through my veins.

  Each beat was pure agony. I would not quit, I could not quit. There were so many things I had lived through, I tried to remember the dream I was having about my first tour in Iraq, but it was gone. Like a wonderful dream you would wake up from and then try to go back to. I tried to remember, if I could get back to the dream about Iraq, then at least the horror would be something I could hold on too. The strength from fear would be enough to force my heart to keep beating. I could feel the darkness coming, it was a new darkness. It was complete and final.

  Gloria would be so disappointed. Oh Gloria, how could I ever tell you how sorry

I was for not fighting anymore. I was just so tired; the darkness was coming over me. As the darkness crawled up my legs, I could feel my legs disappear. My arms were disappearing; at least the Iraqi with the top of his head missing couldn’t bother me anymore. The dreams of my tours, the ex-wives, it was all gone. I could feel the darkness surrounding my heart; I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. I would spend my last few moments of life thinking of Gloria.

  I needed to let Gloria know that my last thoughts were of her, I had a few moments of strength left in my heart. I decided to used that last bit of strength to tell Gloria I loved her. So she would know as she traveled though life I had loved her to the end.  

   ‘Gloria.’

  Her name was all I could manage to say. The darkness took me and I knew no more.