I Don't

Posted Date: : Jul 25, 2009 10:37 AM

"There is a difference between being strong and acting tough".
This is what my husband said to me yesterday..
I keep thinking about it because I am trying so hard to ignore that fact that he is going away. I look at his face before I go to sleep and I can't picture him in that soldier suit.
That horrible feeling won't go away.
Why me?
Why this situation ?
Why the worst thing to be tested on?
Because everyone knows I am weak when someone says good-bye.
I hate good-bye or I'll see you later.
The pain hits my heart and soul.
A little of me dies when I have to force myself to let go.
Especially when I force myself to NOT CARE. TO IGNORE.
I've hidden this same pain constantly.
When he smiles now, its hurts.
When he kisses me on the forehead, it hurts.
I told him I don't know what I will do without him.
This is why every minute and second I can, I hug him and hold him.
I don't want to let go..
I don't want to.
Not my heart.
Not my protector.
Not my guidance.
My EVERYTHING!
I hate it. I really do.
And I cannot be or act selfish.
I have to pretend that I am happy for my family's sake....
I told him I keep dreaming of him going away.
I had a dream I was running away from bomb's of fire.
People around me running too..
I see myself walking towards a memorial wall.
I grab a random sheet of paper and write " I LOVE YOU RONY".
And I put it back on that wall for everyone to see..
I wake up with sadness and confusion.

This wasn't part of my plan..but what was my plan in the beginning after all???