I still feel

Posted Date: : Nov 10, 2008 8:48 PM

I still feel this little grudge with my older brother...

I feel excited to see him this 25th of November..

But at the same time I feel like he doesn't care...

No phone calls or texts from his part..

My mom's excuse is " He is always busy"

But not busy to call my them..right?

It is this hate that I feel coming from my brother...

It also has to do with my mom telling me what he supposedly told her..

She told me that he didn't like the way I was...

So, I guess he can't accept me for the way I am...

I've never felt accepted by my brother....

I mean I'm not a drug addict...or a bum..

I have gone through things that have made me get tough and go crazy on people

But I am Me.

I still feel like there is no point in getting excited because my brother won't accept

Me.

I hate the fact that he can't be there for me sometimes...

But if he was here, he wouldn't be here for me anyway.....

Just because he's not open with me...

I wish he was...

I still cry because I do miss him..

Because he's my only brother...

But I still don't feel loved by him...for some reason...

I think he has felt left out since he was little because of my disability..

I was always on the spotlight..

My parents loved to record me..I loved the attention..

But we were young...my parents didn't know any better...

I didn't know what was happening...

But I feel like I should blame myself for our distant relationship..

We both act like its all good...but it is NOT.

And its not even that ...

It is the fact that I wish he didn't come because he's leaving me again...

I hate good bye's and see you later...

It just leaves a f*****g scar on my heart and brings a thousand tears

And that is what I fear...

That is what I do NOT want to hear....

If you are going to come to leave me again, then just don't come to visit at all..

I hate to hurt....