Compelled

Facing someone who has wronged you is hard, but something compelled me to tap him on the shoulder that day...

 

The person whom I felt stole most of my childhood was standing across the crowded funeral home filled with my grandfather’s friends and family.  I was a little uncomfortable; yet full of pride that I was forced to wear my military uniform since I came straight from my National Guard duty to the wake.  Funerals are always the saddest because you get to see your family that you miss very much, but you have to go through the motions of being appropriately sad. 

 

The sea of familiar faces all turned to see me walk through the door.  Although the faces all sprang to life with a smile, one didn’t.  He was the one who molested me from the age of nine to twelve.  I was a little kid who shouldn’t have known anything about kissing and body parts that existed under his intruding hands. 

 

Most of all, he forced me to question what it meant to be one of the cool kids.  You see, the “big kids” never let us play their games, which always seemed so much more interesting than the ones my appropriately aged cousins were playing.  When he chose me to hide with during a game of hide and go seek, that first time, I thought I was special.  He chose me.  He wanted to hang out and hide with me.  Those feelings were quickly tarnished with the most evil, dark feeling of numbness, confusion and utter shame.  Most importantly, I continued to let him for years. 

 

So, here we were face to face for the first time in eight years; four of those he had spent in prison for molesting our cousin.  Or was it rape?  Maybe I was lucky that it hadn’t gone that far.  We both stood around talking to our loved ones, and as chance would have it, we ended up in a crowd of people back to back.  I stood there thinking to myself, “Do it.”  After wrestling with this idea only for a mere minute, I turned and tapped him on the shoulder.

 

“Hi,” I said.   He looked shocked at first, but then a quick look of relief once he felt the encounter welcoming.  I said, “How have you been?”  He asked me about being in the military.  I told him I had joined the military while in college to pay my way through.  I was a teacher now in Detroit.  I love what I do.  I’m happy.  You couldn’t take away my happiness; you didn't ruin me because I wouldn’t let you. 

 

Once the conversation was over, I turned around and felt the weight of shame and hatred being pulled from my body like a car being pulled from the bottom of a mucky river.  I was slowly being drained of hatred for this man, who was once a boy.  What did it matter?  I am who I am because of my experiences, good or bad. 

 

As I left the funeral home that night, I knew I had done something.  It was a feeling of elation like none that I had ever had before.  The darkness was gone and now there was light deep within my body.  Funny, sixteen years later, as I sit here early in the morning compelled to write this, I finally realized that I wasn’t that strong. Something greater than myself made the decision to tap him on the shoulder.  I would never have done that on my own free will! 

 

When we got to the sight of my grandfather’s burial I noticed him there with tears in his eyes.  At first, it evoked emotions of the past.  Did you cry like this when you were convicted?  Did you ever think about how you made me feel?  Serves you right to cry.  Even though he had caused me years of pain, my heart broke to see him cry.  Someone whispered in my ear, “It’s over.”  I went over to him and asked if he needed a hug.  He choked out in embarrassment, “No.” 

 

I did it anyway.

 

Author's Note

Woke up from about four hours of sleep thinking about this...had to write it. What do you think?

Reviews

[J.Michele]

Oh my gosh this is so deep, I'm a little speechless. The way you described the characters to the emotional aspect of the story was tremendous. I was really happy for the character when they forgave the man and the true meaning of kindness and forgiveness was laced beautifully in your chosen words. I am utterly impressed, keep writing! :)