Chapter Twelve

Those eyes staring back at him, so familiar, so kind, so… hurt. Jason noticed how sad L looked up there and he knew why. Another girl was in his arms as he caressed her hair and held her so close to him in the fog filled night club. He couldn’t bear to see L this way as he imagined she must have had this look of sadness painted across her face the whole night her eyes were locked on him. Jason didn’t want to keep up this image of him and Merta there in front of her. He took Merta by the hand immediately to rush out of the club but as he was turning he saw Him up there too. His guilt and sympathy quickly turned into anger and sadness as a small glimpse of that guy crossed his vision.

            Once outside Jason dropped Merta’s hand and took a breath of what seemed like relief, although the breath was anything but relief for him. Jason, after exhausting every option he had with no avail had finally found L and all he did was rush out of the club as quickly as possible.

            “Oh my gosh! That was so much fun!” Merta exclaims oblivious of what was going on within Jason. “Thank you for inviting me Jay!”

            Jason doesn’t respond; he’s too caught up within his own thoughts that he becomes deaf to the outside world. Without warning Jason takes her hand again and leads her down the street going back and forth in his mind unable to stop the thoughts.

            I can’t believe I found her. This whole time she was right here, downtown.

            What is she doing in a place like this!? She hates this scene.

            It must be Him, that’s why she’s down here.

            “Jay?”

            I can’t believe this, that whole time I asked her to come down here with me and she’s always said no and refused because it was a stupid idea and this is where I find her!?

            Not only that but she’s with HIM!

            “Jay??”

            But I finally found her… but now that I have, what do I do?

            I need to talk to her.

            “Hey Jay???”

            I can’t talk to her down here though, she’s with him. Crap… what do I do?

            Why should I even want to talk to her? it’s not like she even cares about me anymore.

            Damn it, I’m so confused!

            “Jason!” Merta yells

            “Oh… Yeah?”

            “Are you okay? You seem.. removed.”

            “Sorry about that, umm yeah tonight was fun.” Jason responds regaining his sense of hearing.

            “Where are we going now?” She asks looking around confused.

            Jason stops dead in his tracks and turns around with a blank expression on his face.

            “I uhh… I really don’t know.” Jason drops her hand and looks around scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. “umm, Where’s your friends?”

            “Oh, they already left a long time ago while we were in the club.”

            “Oh damn, do you need a ride back home?”

            “Umm, if you don’t mind?” She asks not wanting to impose.

            “Sure, where do you live?” Jason asks.

            Merta begins explaining where she lives and which apartment complex it is. Jason realizes that they both live within the same complex and happily agrees taking her home since it’s in the exact same direction he’s going anyway.

            The drive back home is silent; at least it is for Jason. The music is on, the kind they danced to in the club, Merta is talking but once again she speaks only to deaf ears. Jason’s mind resides else-where. She talks about the night and how fun it was, how it felt to right to her. Merta starts re-thinking her relationship out loud which catches Jason’s attention.

           

“Wait what?”

            “I don’t think this is right for me, being in this relationship and moving to California. I mean, I’ve been having these thoughts for a while now, but now I’m just scared of what I should really do”

            “California? Oh wow, that’s… big. How long have you two been together?”

            “Two years now. We plan on moving out there together next month.”

            “Oh my gosh, that’s pretty intense! Why the sudden change of heart?” Jason keeps his eyes on the road maintaining focus on his driving.

            “Well.. honestly: Tonight.”

            Jason’s snaps his vision to Merta in astonishment. He can’t believe what he’s making her think and feel. He, himself cannot believe how he feels. He’s never been a home wrecker but that’s exactly what he’s doing and now this sense of guilt adds to his array of emotions. He tries putting his other feelings aside and focus on what’s going on within his car.

            “You can’t do that, you two have been together for so long and the both of you are planning on moving to a completely different state with each other. That’s a big decision!”

            “Exactly and that’s why I’m questioning this whole thing now.”

            “But because of me?” Jason asks worried about derailing her plans and whole life. This endeavor makes it difficult for him to stay focused on the road. His whole attention is diverted into trying to convince Merta not to do what she’s thinking about.

            Merta and Jason both had a little spark between them four years ago. That spark went out without warning and neither of them ever spoke again. When they met at the rave long ago they shared a dance with each other that sprung a connection between them. They both had that butterfly effect inside them and bashfulness coating their exterior when the music went silent that night. Afterwards the two exchanged phone numbers hoping to see each other again. They did, at a coffee shop, but after that they went silent towards. The two each went their separate ways, Jason meeting L a year later and Merta with her own boyfriend.

            “I understand how you feel Merta, I remember what happened between us four years ago, but you’re with someone now and you can’t throw it all away for me. Please don’t do that.”

            “But Jay.”

            Jason pulls up to the apartment complex and finds a quick parking right outside of his own apartment. The engine dies out and the music silent. He looks over at Merta whose eyes are willing and full of hope.

            “I’m not worth it, trust me.”

            “It wouldn’t just be for you Jay, I mean I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, it’s just tonight had made me realize that it might be the biggest mistake of my life.”

            “Listen… Merta… Just think about it please. I don’t want to be that guy-“

            “and I don’t want to be that girl, but I do know what I want.”

            They both exit his car and he begins walking her to her own apartment. At the door he looks at her with cautious eyes “Please, just think about it before you make any decisions.” Jason gives her a hug and takes his leave.

            Back inside of his own apartment, everyone is asleep while his home is quiet and still. Jason makes his way to his own room and allows for his shirt to slide off his back leaving his chest bare and exposed, but to no one but the darkness he’s surrounding himself in. He turns the lights on, but it’s no use. His world is still shrouded in darkness. The emotions within him are so diverse and haunting. Guilt, sadness, regret, fear, anger, hatred, longing, desperation. He’s potentially breaking up a two year relationship. He finally found L, but in the last place he wanted to. He saw the person who stole her away from him and realizes he was never good enough. He even feels bad for L having to see him like that out with someone else and being so close to another person. He himself never wanted to be that close to someone else except with L. His feelings and emotions overcome him; the darkness grows deeper and denser; it’s suffocating him. Jason makes his way to his bathroom, weak kneed and light headed. He looks into the mirror but doesn’t see his reflection. It’s like a poltergeist is staring back at him. Jason freaks and snaps backwards in fear slamming his back against the wall and slowly sliding down to the floor.

            As Jason reached the floor his phone falls out of his jean pocket illuminating the entire bathroom with vibrations and text tones. He looks down and it’s her, its L lighting the darkness he’s surrounded in and illuminating his world once again. Jason picks up the phone slowly in fear of what the message could say but regardless he peers into the touch screen.

L: I always told you that you could do better :p I’m glad to see you doing well. Good luck with everything Jason. That’s all I want for you.

            His world once again stops. He’s astonished she would text him much less something positive instead of something sad. Maybe she really was happy for him to happy. Regardless she had to know that none of that was his intention; that he wasn’t trying to get back at her at all.

Jason: I seriously didn’t know you would be down there like that… I didn’t mean for that. I promise.

            Jason’s head starts spinning after his message is sent. With all the emotions raging left and right his body became chemically imbalanced and his vision started to become foggy and blurry. He almost couldn’t see straight feeling light headed and nauseous. Jason stared at his phone waiting for her to text back which came sooner than expected.

L: It’s fine don’t worry about.

            Jason some how feels relieved and at the same time he knows it’s not fine. He knows her too well. He begins typing a reply but his vision is only getting worse.

Jason: L… I still-